This has been one of the hardest weeks, surrendering to another level of deep grief. Every time I get really low and can’t seem to get out of it, and I remember to ask for help, I get more and more confirmations that I am supported. The wave of grief turns into a wave of peace and love.
9/9/09 (3 days ago) was a day symbolizing death and rebirth. The ocean was intense – waves crashing, washing up dead birds and plenty of food for the seagulls hovering in the wind beside me. There was barely a beach to walk on, but I was called to walk to heal my pain. I found an isolated stone circle to sit in and let the waves crash toward me, feeling some big purification. It was profound, and I felt Jason’s presence and sensed his wish for me. He really wants me, and all of us, to be free of unnecessary human suffering. He wants us to know we can drop the human stuff that gets in the way of feeling our infinite-ness, to approach being limitless in a human body.
I was asking myself how can I be free of suffering when I am so sad? I got immediately that being sad doesn’t mean we are suffering. It means we have lost something that we love, and that is a reminder of our love. We only suffer when we get attached to having things a certain way or when we get stuck in unhealthy stories and beliefs (“creations” in the Avatar term). He wants us to know we can let go of attachment to having him on the physical plane, because we will experience his influence on us in other energetic planes. The love will always be there, even larger than before, and I keep getting confirmation of that with my experiences.
Being human is just one way that consciousness manifests; it’s the tip of the iceberg.
As I was walking toward the rocks, they were mostly underwater and I got the clear message to remember that just because we can’t see them doesn’t mean we can’t feel them. I felt the energy and messages of the rocks just the same, and that reminded me how I can feel the energy of Jason even when he is not visible or audible. He keeps reminding me of this; what a blessing.
When I got home I finally got the chance to go through photos Jason took in a special trip we did together to Utah Canyonlands two years ago, that I recently (and with great relief) found on my back-up drive. There were photos I hadn’t seen before (he showed me the ones that were artist-approved) and it was as if he was there showing me photos he just took. I felt immediately peaceful and realized I can look at his photos to get back in touch with him by seeing the beauty he saw, and let the beauty heal me. There are spirits in these photos I hadn’t seen before. There are photos of me I hadn’t seen before, capturing my spirit during that magical trip. What blessings.
His photography is a course in seeing things differently, as my niece Nikki beautifully wrote. That’s why I want to share his photography with so many, to share his message without words. Jason produced enough photos to train people to do this; that’s a message I have been getting. He also did this with his music, breaking rules for meter and rhythm and sound combinations, putting us in another world to open us up to new possibilities.
As humans we always think we don’t have enough, we haven’t done enough, we aren’t enough, etc. Jason wants us to believe we are enough and he is enough, and he has left enough of himself on the physical plane as reminders of who he is and how he can be in our lives, continually teaching us and helping us teach others. What tremendous gifts.
I got another wave of intense grief and asked Jason to help me again. I immediately felt his hands on my shoulders, one way he used to hug me as a teenager, moments before getting a special quick shoulder rub. I melted in peace and gratitude.
I got another wave of intense grief and I got a call from my and Jason’s dear healer friend Patrick to tell me about the times he had been connecting with Jason. We shared our experiences and I felt so confirmed that Jason is here with me, in my heart, in the cosmos, in some energetic form that our minds can’t ever comprehend. I just know he is here helping me through this, letting me know that we aren’t the body. The spirit/soul is what we are, and that remains and gets even bigger, giving us gifts we might not have imagined if we weren’t open to it.
Love keeps guiding me on the right path.
P.S. I want to thank Chuck for asking to grieve together, going through Jason’s things and feeling the sadness fully. It’s so hard but we are both doing very well; we are supported.