Here we are in this little coffee-growing pueblo of San Agustin in the mountains overlooking the General Valley of Perez Zeledon, three hours south of San Jose, and an hour bus ride to the sweet city of San Isidro. We were drawn here to stay in Finca Fruicion, a permaculture education center that is growing an intentional community on this beautiful land.

In the title of this writing I say “budget” because we are somewhere in the spectrum between camping and modern home living. We choose a lifestyle that is close to nature as well as very comfortable. We discovered two years ago that we could retire early here, adapting to a much simpler and much preferred lifestyle that what we had in the States.  Our living costs are a fraction of what it cost us in the states, and significantly less than what we were spending in Oregon living in a trailer. Local produce is inexpensive, but some produce and most packaged foods are imported, so food can be no cheaper than in the States, depending on what you eat. Bus transportation is an amazing deal, roughly 1000 colones ($2) per hour of travel. Bus travel is usually quite comfortable and safe, although on occasion if the bus fills up we might be standing for a time as the bus rocks back and forth on winding roads! We’ve enjoyed very much refraining from renting a car, and using taxis when we need them. It’s far less than costly than renting or owning a car.

We are so grateful to have a bus (which is rare for many remote communities) four days a week, as we have chosen (for now) not to buy a vehicle that requires much maintenance and also uses fossil fuels, something we are wanting to limit as much as possible in our lives.

We are living outdoors most of the time; even when we are sleeping we feel we are outdoors, with our large screen windows. We don’t need much space, and the only doors we need are for one bedroom privacy and security. We use a compost toilet, delivering our bio-goods back to the soil, with no need for septic maintenance. The farm has solar showers, and we also have an electric-heated shower in our rented home. Julio is bulding another solar shower for the farm, and we will definitely have one in the house we build. We bought a super-comfortable orthopedic mattress in town that we cover in an allergy cover we brought from the states. We are living rustically and comfortably at the same time!

I still remember what an amazing feeling it was to let go of so much material “stuff” when we moved from Massachusetts to Oregon two years ago. We whittled our belongings down to what fits into our adorable trailer home we will return to for the summer. I felt so free, not tied down by the physical, and ready to follow our hearts, leading us here to finding a second home in Costa Rica. I’m still enjoying that feeling of freedom….

The first thing that we loved about Costa Rica when we first started coming here four years ago is the weather. In the higher altitude areas that we have most enjoyed, the temperature is 60’s-80’s F year round, with refreshing breezes and cool nights. The second most important things are abundance of water and food; we grow year round here, and the fruit and vegetables are delicious! The third is the sound environment; I listen to the birds and insects all day and night, and as a sound healer I appreciate the relaxing effect on my system. I also fell in love with the people here immediately, very sweet, happy, and peaceful. There is no military in Costa Rica, and no violent history. Everyone watches out for each other, their family, their neighbors. The neighbors see everyone as their friend, and they can’t imagine living anywhere else.

We wake up to the crow of the rooster at daybreak, and stretch out on our deck, enjoying an ever-changing landscape of clouds and sunrise lighting across the mountains and valley. After some tea and “crumpet”, we do our morning “Do In” yoga routine and morning invocations. The rest of the day is a flow of email and phone check-ins, work projects, wonderful walks, visits with our neighbors, meetings about the farm, and hanging out. I plan to do get into more gardening; I enjoy pulling yucca and helping plant seedlings. We are making great use of our hang-out space here, with our outdoor office space!

Twice a week we take the bus into San Isidro; our bus stop is only a 10 minute walk from our casa, and it’s a beautiful ride on a well-groomed dirt road over the mountain ridges with gorgeous pastures and forest on either side, down to the Pacuare River, up to La Angostura, and down through Quebrada Honda to the highway, with another 10 minutes into town. We enjoy a wholesome breakfast and/or lunch in town, choosing to eat meat (chicken and fish, mostly) in town and cooking vegetarian at home. We do our banking, food shopping, social networking, exploring, and hanging out until our 2 PM bus back home.

We’ve had some great gatherings here at Finca Fruicion, a permaculture education festival called “Earthworks” in December, a sound healing workshop in February, and some firecircles, yucca-pizza nights, and music time. We’ve enjoyed sharing our gifts of solar engineering, healing, and community building to this farm and the visitors.

Life in the tropics has been very sweet, entertaining, and sometimes challenging. We decided to turn our annoyance with the cockroaches into an amusing game of catching these super-fast critters and giving them to the chickens in the morning; it’s quite a treat for them and entertaining for us! We have to keep our kitchen clean at all times, and keep ripening veggies and fruit in mouse-cockroach-proof containers. We had a visit from the infamous army ants that had the kitchen floor crawling with 100s of 10000s of army ants that took down cockroaches and broke them up into transportable pieces to fortify the nomadic troops. They were gone within hours, leaving us a cleaner house!

The hardest part about tropical bugs has been the super-tiny sugar ants that get into absolutely anything! They eat into plastic bags, and they are small enough to climb up jar and bottle threads – honey and olive oil and everything else! We need waterproof containers to keep them out, or put stuff in the refrigerator. I gave up and I store our chips, rice, and cookies in the freezer! My partner Julio found a great recipe of 1 c water, 2 c sugar, and 1 tbsp boric acid that has had a successful impact on lowering the population of food-eating and wood-eating ants.

Contrary to popular opinion, there are very few stinging insects in Costa Rica, at least in this area close to the Pacific. There is a healthy balance of nature here; the birds and bats and other critters take care of the mosquitos. I’m really enjoying hanging outdoors at night with no mosquito repellent, something I couldn’t do in Ipswich Massachusetts! We watch where we stand on the earth, as fire ants and other stinging ants can be quite painful and annoying if we disturb their homes! We respect nature.

We are enjoying the animals here – the wild and the domestic: toucans, parrots, hawks, soaring buzzard, peaceful grazing cows and goats, the egg-laying chickens, and interesting insects such as the one we call the headlamp beetle whose two eyes glow in the dark. We have yet to see snakes here, but know they are around and must be respected.  We visited the Osa Peninsula this year, the most biodiverse region in the world, and got to meet peccaries, capuchin monkeys, spider monkeys, squirrel monkeys, as well as the familiar howler monkeys. We missed seeing the elusive large tapir, that is almost extinct in other regions, but felt its presence in this wild place. We’ve seen small crocodiles in various smooth-water locations at a distance, and understand why you can’t swim in lakes around here. One of the stray cats that hang at the farm adopted us, and we enjoy affectionate Jasmine and her mousing skills.

Our Tico (Costa Rican) neighbors are quiet, often staying at home. They like to dance at the annual fiesta, with good food and super loud music! Every one that I’ve gotten to know a bit has been friendly and curious about us gringo foreigners, several interested in longer conversations at the local pulperia (convenience store) and offering us to visit their ranch. We have gotten to know a few of our pueblo neighbors, and we are grateful for our workable Spanish and the opportunity to improve with practice. Finca Fruicion and one other rental property house the only gringos in the area. They find us interesting, and are always available for a friendly chat at the local pulperia (convenience store).

We connect with all the elements – embraced and fed by mother earth, cooled by mountain streams and waterfalls, inspired by the big sky, and fueled by the sun. There’s a hum of peace here, a sacred lush current of sound and good vibration.

The sun sets early here near the equator, and by 6 PM we eat by candlelight, connect with the stars, and are ready for reading or a movie and to bed by 9 PM, to arise by 5 PM the next day. It feels so good to be following nature’s cycles!

Pura Vida! (Pure Life!)

One thing that has kept me above water in my continuing grieving process, that I am eternally grateful for, is my ability to believe that I can connect with my son whenever I want to. I say “believe” because there’s no tangible proof that I connect with Jason, because there is no way to see, hear, touch, or smell him with my earthly senses. I just believe he is there; I can feel the energy he exuded in life. I also believe that whatever anyone’s religious or logical beliefs are about death and life, that anyone can connect with their beloved departed, in their own way – through memories, with one-way or two-way conversations, with imagination, and perhaps with the idea that the soul lives on.

I connect with Jason in many ways that often bring me sadness but always bring me waves of love, and therefore joy. The first time I connected with Jason was the first night after he died, when I had the impulse, amidst the shock and intense grief, to sit up in bed in the middle of the night and write. It felt that his words were coming to me through my writing. I conversed with him in this way. These communications continued daily for months and then continued a few times a month for a couple of years. I started a blog called “Messages from Jason” which I compiled into a book last year. Writing helped me tremendously to process grief, but it also allowed me to connect with Jason, to believe that he is not completely lost from me.

One way that always works for me to feel Jason with me is to recall a fun time we had together, to relive the memory. Even though it doesn’t feel we are there, reliving the experience in the present, his energy is “real”-ly there with me. One of the messages Jason gave me a few days after his passing is to “lighten up”; he wanted me to remember the times we would laugh together. That not only eased the pain because of the positive emotion, but it also reconnected us with joy. Before Jason’s passing, I don’t recall ever being able to laugh and cry at the same time so consistently!

When I listen to Jason’s music compositions or gaze into his photography, I feel him with me, celebrating his art with me. He lives in his art, and that will never die. He continues to inspire me to do my music; I recorded my first solo CD, in his memory, at the 3^rd anniversary of his passing last summer. We celebrated the completion together.

I talk to Jason all the time. I figure since there’s no way of knowing that he can’t hear me on other side, then why not? I’ve heard of people who’ve survived comas who were so grateful that their loved ones continued to talk with them in their coma even if they couldn’t talk back. I feel Jason’s excitement when I pay attention to listen to him, even when I don’t hear words. We communicate in a different way now, beyond words.

If anyone thinks I’m crazy that I talk with my departed child, I’m fine with that. I’d rather be “crazy” than miss out on my opportunity to connect with my favorite soul in the universe!

–Vyola Myst, aka Michelle Herrera Foster, Ph.D., is author of the e-book “Messages from Jason, a Mother’s Healing Journey of Grief and Spirit”. The original blog and other writings can be found at www.vyolamyst.com . She assists people to connect with their spirit guides and their beloved departed, and offers a session to bereaved parents.

1. Be Fearless: There is nothing to be afraid of. Don’t be afraid of your own shadow, your beliefs that dictate what you experience. If we accept death, we embrace life. We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer. Death often happens to serve a higher purpose that might not be clear with our minds for some time. Trust in the cycle of life and death, of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth. If we see everything as spirit (energy) transforming from one form to another, then there is no loss and we see abundance and the worth of every living thing.

2. You Are Precious: Know that we are all precious beings, connected by a higher power. Treat ourselves and others as precious and we will feel connected and supported. Be fully who you are. We are limitless and we limit ourselves with our minds. Be the infinite Being that you are.

3. Follow Your Passion: Follow your passion; it will bring you fulfillment. Live your life fully, and this inspires others to live their lives fully. Pay It Forward – Help other people follow their passion, to empower your own. Go into your heart – that’s where the answers are, not in our minds.

4. Lighten Up: We connect with our loved ones, alive or departed, through our love and fond memories of them, including play and humor. We can “lighten up” to experience the uplifting memories, to feel their energy with us, uplifting us, as if they were right there with us. When we play, we connect with our infinite nature; we are in the moment with joy. Lighten up to feel the light.

5. Love Is All There Is: Love is eternal; it is the only thing that really exists. Go into your heart, that’s where the important answers are, not our minds. We have access to everything through love. Love brings us into the beauty of the moment. When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us. Be the infinite Being that you are.

6. Connection to the Other Side: We communicate with others, alive or departed, through their essence, or spirit, in many non-verbal ways that are often more powerful than verbal. Our dreams help us to connect with our essence without being hindered by the mind’s beliefs. Everything is energy. Memories capture the energy, which is timeless. We are never alone. There is a higher power with us all the time; we have our guides, angels, and our higher self. You can connect with your departed loved ones as if they were with you, feeling their love and support. Listen to your own messages from Spirit. We are the bridges between the worlds of spirit and physical reality; there is no separation.

7. Surrender: Let go of the ego and feeling the need to control. Surrender to the healing. We die every moment, to be reborn to the new moment. Remember we are infinite beings, and death is the other side of life. Let go of old beliefs and patterns that don’t serve you anymore, and open your heart and your mind to receiving the new that does serve you. We are held by a higher power, the divine. We can drop the unnecessary suffering that gets in the way of our infinite-ness. We are one.

8. Be in the Present: Enjoy Being. Practice Presence, releasing your over-focused attention on the past, worries of the future, etc. The ultimate joy is in being in the moment, being present to the now, seeing the beauty of all. This is the secret to happiness.

9. Hang Out: Take time to relax. Hang out with no agenda, practicing presence with others. Being in community is key to our evolution.

10. Soul Contracts: We have made agreements with everyone in our lives at a soul level, for us to learn and grow. Knowing we made these choices helps us to accept our experiences on the earth plane, and to not judge them as good or bad.

11. Manifesting: We choose our reality by choosing which “world” we want to be in, and fully feeling it. Gratitude connects us with our heart and helps us to manifest more. Practice being grateful often. Feel your flow.

12. Put Art First: We capture the essence of ourselves and others through art, music, and other creative expression that help us see the beauty and preciousness of everything. Art connects us with limitless potential, and with Source. When we share our gifts with self-love and love for others we empower others to share their gifts and feel powerful, too.

13. The New Family: We attract and create family, loving community, wherever we are, if we believe this can happen. Believe in Oneness – There is no separation, we are all connected.

14. No Rules: There are no rules, there is only the mind and what it chooses to believe. Our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. That’s our illusion. The formless is what counts.

15. What’s Really Important: When Jason passed to the other side, he helped me to see what was really important in my life and that I could create the life I always wanted. Move more fully into who you are, to your true nature. Embrace what is really important to you.

16. Be The Healer: We all have the capacity to heal and be healed, when we believe. Jason and are a healing team, and we believe anyone can connect with the other side to tap into some powerful healing and information. We are all healers in our own way, through our art.

17. Young Wise Souls: Many young people have a great deal of wisdom for us to open to and receive. When these “old souls” pass to the other side they offer us a powerful connection to this wisdom. Listen to the wisdom of our youth. Accept others the way they are. Appreciate beauty in everyone and everything.

The process of recording this CD was done with sacred intention. I dedicate this to my late son Jason Foster, a talented musician and composer who has inspired me to record my music. The pieces are sacred music improvisations of viola and voice inspired by the Divine Feminine.  There are no lyrics, and my voice is used as an instrument, with 4-5 part harmonies.  More about the CD below.

Blessed Be!

Vyola

About “Sacred Myst”:

1. Sacred Myst:

I started the recording session with the intention of creating a connection with the Divine. It was completely improvised. I started out with the gold crystal quartz singing bowl, to capture the crown chakra connection with the B note. I added the first voice part, then the viola part, and then the second voice part that was enhanced by a large frame drum resonator.  All tracks were first takes, no repeats, to keep the original connection fresh. I’m really happy with this piece, because I never tire of listening to it, as it connects me to the Divine every time I do.

2. Inspiration:

This is one of three looped pieces (with Mantra and Clarity) that “came in” as musical improvisations in 2002, and I finally got to record them professionally.  I recorded the first “loop”, then added harmonies and frame drum and finally the improvised voice track over the loops.

3. Abundance:

During my Priestess training at the Goddess Temple of Ashland, my teacher Graell Corsini asked me to play an improvised piece to her improvised dance at the Goddess Festival in Glastonbury, England summer 2012. I couldn’t attend in person, but she inspired me to play a piece dedicated to the festival of Lammas, which is about abundance of the harvest.  The piece was intended to instill a feeling of abundance in our lives. It has many classical elements, including Middle Eastern and Celtic music.

4. Mantra:

I have been listening to this looped piece since it “came in” 10 years ago as I was listening to the hum of a Jacuzzi tub, hearing multiple harmony parts. It has a Latin swing to it. When I sat down to record it for this CD, each loop came in easily, with no need for retakes. I started out with the first voice part, adding additional voice harmonies one by one. Listening to the looped vocal harmony, I improvised the viola part in one continuous track.

5. Trust:

Trust is essential to manifesting what we want in life, and I wanted this theme in my first CD.  This was an in-the-moment improvisation of my viola to the ringing of the quartz crystal singing bowl in G, for the throat chakra, which resonates Truth and Trust for me.  I wanted this to be a long piece, to immerse in contemplation. After I recorded the viola part, I listened to it in the studio and spontaneously decided to add the other-worldly echoes from the waterphone halfway through.  The waterphone puts me in a place outside mind, and the viola keeps the theme of Trust with no mind limitations.

6. Clarity:

This looped piece has the feel of being clear, seeing through the mist, letting go of past limitations. I decided to do this with only voice and no other instruments to maintain this feel with angelic voices. It “came in” as improvisational parts, one by one, in loop fashion. The solo voice line is improvised over the looped harmonies.

7. Transformation:

This is one of two pieces, with Streams, that was co-created with Ben Sheppard, a dear musician friend who has been on a journey of sound healing with me since 2001.  We recorded the three singing bowls and added my voice, then his throat-singing harmonic vocals that create the low hum.  It has a nice balance of the Divine Feminine and Masculine energies, that we use to manifest, and a sense of being transformed by the sounds. Ben recorded and mastered this piece in 2005 through his Harmonic Alchemy Productions.

8. Streams

This beautiful weaving of my viola and voice was improvised to a mbira composition that Ben had channeled from his spiritual African teacher who had recently passed away.  A talented multi-instrumentalist, Ben added bouzouki (a Celtic/Mediterranean guitar), percussion, and throat-singing harmonic vocals. We co-improvised this piece to capture the feeling of Flow, to follow our flow, to manifest what we want in our lives.

Credits:

Cover art: Jason Foster

Photo of Vyola Myst: Rocky Garrotto

CD Design: Tara Kemp

Recorded, mixed and mastered:

Tracks 1-6: Sonic Sojourns, Ashland, OR

Tracks 7-8: Harmonic Alchemy Productions, with Ben Sheppard on vocals, bouzouki, mbira, and percussion

Note: See www.goddesstempleashland.com for info on Goddess Temple events.

Wed June 13, 7 PM Abundance Activation at the Goddess Temple; $15 donation

Wed June 20, 7:30 PM Solstice Ceremony, Sending Love to the Earth, at Hidden Springs; free

Wed. June 27, 7 PM Sound Healing Ceremony at the Goddess Temple – Accessing Heart Magic with Victoria Marihart 

Fri June 29, 2 PM Celtic Faire at the Jackson WellSprings – with Meredith MacFadden

Fri June 29, 8 PM and Sun July 1 1 PM Celtic Faire at the Jackson WellSprings – with Talia Rose, Rico Herrera, and Richard Williams

Fri July 13, Talent, Oregon art walk – more info to come

Wed July 18, 7 PM Sound healing circle, Goddess Temple of Ashland, led by Vyola Myst

Fri July 20, 2-4 PM Mystic Garden Festival, Lake Selmac, Oregon – Sound Healing Circle led by Vyola Myst

Come join us every Wed. (except July 4), 7 PM, Sound Healing Ceremonies at the Goddess Temple.

Also occasional sound healing performances at Oasis in Ashland, Oregon

Event break – August-October, to complete my CD “Sacred Myst” and my book “Messages from Jason”

December-April – Costa Rica (events TBD)

May-June – CD Release party for “Sacred Myst” (TBD)

That’s all you are. If you think you are somebody other than that, then it’s time to reassess and rediscover who you are. 2012 is a good time to do this!

Spiritual teachers tell us we are nothing, and we are everything. We lose our mind trying to figure that one out, and – guess what, losing our mind is the goal! If we surrender all our beliefs, all our judgments, all our fears, then there is nothing left but love.

That’s true freedom.

 I sat down to write about love and I realized I also am writing about freedom. When we are immersed in love, when we know that we are love, then we are free.

So, in order to communicate this clearly it’s important to give clear definitions of love and freedom, because these words have a lot of history and there are many points of view. To me, freedom is to be free of the perceived mind’s control. Recently, I found a definition of love in the book “Die to Love” by Unmani that I highly resonate with:

Love is the intimate connectedness with everything.

 When I know I am love, then I feel the Oneness. In truth, we are not separate because we are all love, we are all the source of love, we are all Source. Everything and everyone in our reality is created from consciousness by our minds. Our minds are wonderful things, but we are not what the mind creates. That’s a difficult one to really understand, until we feel it experientially, in our total Being. That’s why reading about it isn’t the way to understand it. We get it by experiencing it.

 Just be love.

Belove.

Be the beloved.

 If we start by being love, then our reality is love and oneness. In her book “Die to Love” Unmani says we’ve had it backwards, thinking we do many things to still the mind, to process, to awaken, to continue “doing”, in order to feel that expanded experience of being Source. We don’t need to do anything, we just know that we are already here.

 We are love. From this place we create abundance.

 I discovered that love is all there is when my son Jason passed over in a car accident in 2009. Amidst the shock and incredible pain of loss, I felt his loving presence letting me know he was fine, and that I will be, too. I instantly felt peace. I surrendered to what is, and I was free. In this state of surrender to Source, I felt the most expanded states of love I have ever experienced. It was so overwhelming, at times I cried from the beauty more than from the loss. I learned that nothing truly exists but love.

 I’ve learned a lot about love and freedom from many teachers, and I believe my most powerful experiential learnings were from my son Jason, during his life and after he crossed over. I remember after his birth feeling so tied down with this small dependent being who needed to be taken care of constantly. I felt my freedom was being taken away. I was mistaken. It was exactly the opposite. I discovered that when I stayed in the love for this beautiful being that came into my life, that I chose to take care of, I felt free. I didn’t have many choices of things to do to fill up my work and social schedule, I knew what I had to do and that was freeing. Being in the love for my son taught me freedom.

 When Jason passed to the other side I “lost” the most precious thing in my life. I am very grateful that my world didn’t shrink to a place of believing that all was lost. Instead, I received messages from Jason that taught me that he was still there, and therefore I didn’t lose him, and there is no such thing as loss. There is only change in form. Transformation.

 There is nothing to lose.

 That’s freedom – knowing there is nothing to lose. Our minds occupy most of their unproductive time fixed upon past losses and worrying about future ones. The ultimate freedom is to be unafraid of death. Death happens every moment. Every moment we change. The present moment is all there is. We can prove that time doesn’t exist, so when we understand this there is no such thing as past or future, why dwell on this at all? Well, we do because we have creative minds that love to be used ad nauseum. We can also use our minds to choose to have different beliefs, and to let go of having to have any beliefs. To be “empty”, as the masters teach us. That’s freedom.

 A few weeks ago during Easter time I attended a channeling by Laarkma, who spoke about the ascension process. We are all undergoing ascension to other dimensions, to other realms that we can’t see or feel with the limited senses of our human bodies. 2012 is a time of letting go of our old beliefs that no longer serve us. They say the end of karma is here, and we have the opportunity to clear old unhealthy patterns from this life and previous lifetimes. The energy of ascension that is here at this time facilitates this process. They conclude by saying we are here to move toward freedom and be love. Listen to our hearts in each moment and we are free.

 We are love.

We are embodiments of love.

We are angels on this earth plane.

 So then, let’s simply be the angels we always wanted to be, that we already are! Let’s spread our wings.

 Feel free……………………………..

To be love……………………………

The end of an era based on form (structure, predictability, systems, focus on the physical) has brought on confusion and fear, with predictions of major catastrophes. I do believe it is the end of life as we know it. I also believe it is the beginning of a much better life for all, if we are ready to embrace the change.

Going beyond form is hard to imagine, and therefore many of us don’t want to. What if what we find beyond form is way better what we could have imagined? That’s the whole point of not imagining it, so we can be open to attracting what is really good for us, with our hearts and not our minds.

Occupy Wall Street has been working to dissolve the old economic systems that don’t work. There’s no perfect solution for the future, but I believe if we all believe we will be in a better place; the right solutions will drop into place at the right time. Forms we are used to may not exist. Cooperation and caring will continue to exist.

Change is hard – it’s a kind of death, and no one knows what really happens after death. I’m a believer in the spirit continuing after the body drops, and that we are all connected in that realm of spirit. When we care for each other, we connect spiritually. The love of dear ones who have died continues, and we may feel the love and energy of departed souls as clearly as we could when they were alive. What if we could connect with living souls in this way all the time? I believe we can, and that we are being guided to doing this more and more.

Permaculture teaches us how all living things and matter are connected, and how we can make that connection work to our advantage, creating sustainability. There’s no wonder why the interest in permaculture is taking off, in the midst of this year of great evolution. Every student that I have met that has studied permaculture has been in awe of the spiritual awareness they have gained.

My personal experience with the loss of my child Jason has taught me that the Formless is where it’s at (see “Formless” 9/23/09, in Messages from Jason blog). I was in awe of how powerful our connection was after he died, as I connected with him, receiving messages (in this blog) that have been assisting my evolution and helping me to assist others’. My connection with the “other side”, the formless unseen place where we feel energy and get information, is so much stronger since my son passed and he brought me closer through our everlasting love. I am helping others to connect with the world of Spirit, introducing them to their spiritual guides, that I believe are aspects of their Higher Self.

I have proof that that world of Spirit does exist, and I believe strongly that if we connect more often with each others at this plane of existence, that we will find the peace that we have been seeking in the physical world. The world as we have known it is going through major changes in order to move us into that new world of spiritual connection. Perhaps as soon as we all get how we can connect spiritually, the physical world may no longer need to do its thing to wake us up.

Whatever people are afraid to lose in the world, as we have known it, will never be lost, just transformed. I believe that transformation is for our highest good, and when we surrender to what is happening, we find only peace and love.

When we fully feel what it feels like to have the reality we want to create, with no doubts or fears, then we have the power to manifest this reality.

So, how do we fully feel this, and how do we remove doubts and fears, especially if we don’t even know they are there? Let’s first look at the latter.

The mind is a wonderful tool, but, as we know, if left to its own the mind can get in the way. The mind is wonderful at creating fears, doubts, beliefs and stories that don’t support what we really want to create. Awareness of these mind patterns may be enough to dissolve them. For the more obstinate ones, there are proven processes for dissolving them. For example, my extensive Avatar® training spent more than 90% of the time on discreating beliefs to clear the path for creating what we want.

So it’s time in our evolution to give the mind a new job description! I ask my mind to help me choose where I want to put my attention, where it feels in alignment with the reality I want to create. Then, I ask my mind to help me create the reality in this area of attention, and to follow orders from my feeling and intuition. My mind isn’t the boss, it’s a servant. That’s a key difference!!

In my Avatar training, I learned how to release fixed attention. Whatever we put our attention on becomes our reality. Therefore, do we really want to choose to put our attention on what doesn’t feel good? Our mind does it, though, doesn’t it?! It’s on automatic, from old programming. Therefore, it’s important to reprogram our minds to put attention on what we choose.

Eckhart Tolle teaches about the pain body, and how “feeding” (giving attention to) the pain body makes it bigger. When we learn to not feed the pain body, it can dissolve away on its own. Abraham-Hicks teaches about the Law of Attraction, that we attract in our lives what we put ask for. They warn us to be careful about how we ask for what we want, and to ask for it in the positive mode. For example, when we ask not to have certain people we don’t like in our lives, they keep reappearing. When we ask for the type of people we want in our lives, then they manifest.

Now let’s explore FEELING. This is a practice of fully feeling the desired reality with our complete being, led by our heart (and not by our mind). Abraham-Hicks has taught us about the emotional guidance scale; when you feel good you are on the right track, and when it doesn’t feel good you are not on the right track. It’s very simple, but not always easy to do. It takes practice. It takes a command of your mind to be able to shift from a place that doesn’t feel good to a place that feels not only good but resonating with the feeling of the reality you want to create.

Here’s the bottom line. I believe that the only thing that truly exists is love, which is our intimate connection with all that is, with Source. When we feel love about what we want to create, we empower the potential to manifest the desired creation. So, stay in your heart and use your mind wisely!

It’s also very important to tune into your goal as supporting your highest good. Often we get an idea of something we want to create that sounds good, that the mind registers as logical and/or reminiscent of past goals or goals of someone else you respect, etc. We may believe having a new fancy car is what we want to create. It may be in your highest, but if we tune in we may discover that it doesn’t support the totality of the reality we want to create. For example, buying that car may exclude having the financial resources to go on our dream vacation or support another passion or desire.

Visioning is an effective process, where we take the time and devote full attention to feeling what we want to create. Create a sacred space, i.e. uninterrupted, comfortable quiet space with an altar or area of beauty and items that are special to you. Take some deep breaths and begin to still the mind with your breath or other meditation technique. Connect to Source and call in any spirit guides you work with, and ask to empty your mind of everything but what you want to create.

Now ask Source to help you feel what it would feel like to already have the reality you want to create. Feel the love of yourself in this new reality. Recall a time when you had this feeling, and bring it back. Let Imagination gets its play time, if this helps you get in touch with the FEELING. Think of what you want to create and allow your imagination to bring in any images, sounds, smells, and tactile feelings that create what it feels to have the reality you want to create. Your created reality may not resemble your vision, but the feeling will be the same. It’s important not to be attached to form!

Perhaps you want to attract the perfect job for you. Feel what it feels like to be in this perfect job. Recall a time when you had a job or performed an activity you loved, even moments of experiencing this is enough. Call back this feeling and allow yourself to fully feel it.

It’s very helpful to have a process to “activate” this feeling, to help you feel it fully, and to help you trust you will be able to feel this again anytime you want to, to continue your manifesting energy. As a sound healer, musician, and Reiki Master, I use these tools to activate this feeling for me and those I assist with this process. As a channeler, I call in spirit guides to help. You may find movement, essential oils, mantras, and other techniques can deepen your connection to this feeling.

It is also helpful to find an “anchor” for this feeling, to help you bring it back as a regular (daily) practice. The anchor might be an affirmation, an image, a memory, a physical object that reminds you of this feeling. Affirmations are most effective when they are stated in the positive and present. For example, “I have a job that feeds my heart and soul and feels perfect for me” is more effective than “I hope to have a job that won’t burn me out”.

In summary, these are the simple steps you can practice to manifest your desired reality, and create abundance in your life:

1) Feel what it feels like to already have created this reality. Do a regular visioning process to keep this feeling alive in you.
2) If you ever feel any fear, belief, judgment, doubt, or other negative thought that could block your manifesting, shift your awareness from that to something that brings back the feeling of creating what you desire.
3) Practice, practice, practice. Trust, trust, trust.
4) Enjoy your new reality!
5) Express gratitude and this will give you even more creating potential.

In awe and wonder of our creating potential,
Vyola Myst, Michelle Herrera Foster, Ph.D., 4/7/12

Writings by Vyola Myst inspire spiritual awakening. Michelle Herrera Foster, Ph.D. has been a creative writer since childhood, and her passion for writing was resurrected the night her 17-year old son Jason passed over in a car accident, when she received beautiful and healing messages from him. These writings not only helped her grieving process but also gave her the understanding that there is no such thing as loss, and all that truly exists is love. As she shared the writings, she discovered that they also assisted others’ spiritual evolution.

Here is the description of the Kindle e-book:

Within hours of her teen son Jason’s death in a car accident, Michelle received clear communications from him with profound spiritual messages about death, life, love, transformation, healing, and evolution. She maintained a blog of these freshly transmitted messages, written in her voice with some quotes from her spirit son, for over two years. “Messages from Jason” weaves together these blog entries with some of Jason’s digital photography and writings into a journey of love and inspiration. These channeled messages and Michelle’s experiences of them have helped her and many others to move through grief, to connect with their beloved departed, and to live life even more fully after death. Three years after Jason’s passing, his spirit continues to connect Vyola Myst (Michelle’s new name) to the “other side” to channel information and provide spirit guides and healing to others.

• The 17 Key Messages from the Book "Messages from Jason"
• Messages from Jason Book by Vyola Myst is on Kindle
• Messages From Jason
• The New Formless Era
• Healing Team
• Message 40 - Give to Others - 1/11
• BOOK SYNOPSIS - Messages from Jason
• Merging with Jason
• Earth Mother, 10/5/10
• Travelling with Jason
• Message 39 - Forever
• A Year to Live
• Hanging Out
• Message 38 - Be the Observer
• Back to Nature
• Home
• Reunion
• Trials and Tribulations
• Renaissance Man
• Message 27 - Feel the Flow
• Graduation
• Thank You for Honoring Jason
• Mother Eternal
• Gestation
• Message 36 - I'm Right Here
• Rebirth
• Letting Go of the Future
• Passages
• Purpose
• Pain as Meditation
• Holding On, Letting Go
• Sustainability
• Winds and Lava 2/7/10
• Watching the World
• Ripples and Flow
• Travelling without Plans
• Enlightenment
• Message 35 - Move In
• Grieving Affirmations
• Message 34 - Be an Avatar
• Soul Contract
• Losing a Child
• Humility and Power
• Soul Story
• Message 33 - Retreat and Relax
• Losses and Gifts
• Grieving with Strangers
• Message 32 - Be a Child
• Mirror Reflections - Jason's CD, Michelle's CD
• The Indigo Child - Part 2 - Trust
• The Indigo Child - Jason's 16 Things
• Communication with the Other Side - Part 2, with Jason's poetry
• Communicating with the Other Side
• Celebration of Life
• Message 31 - Don't Worry Be Happy
• California Connections
• Jason's Universal Messages
• Tsunami, 11/10/09
• Messages from Sound, 11/9/09
• Balance, 11/6/09
• The Healer, 11/4/09
• Wave Crash, 11/3/09
• Connections, 10/30/09
• Past Lives, 10/28/09
• Acceptance, 10/21/09
• Fulfillment, 10/13/09
• Premonitions, 10/11/09
• Lives and Identities, 10/8/09
• Gratitude, 10/7/09
• Confirmations, 9/12/09
• Imagination, 9/9/09
• Messages from Nature, 9/9/09
• The Beauty of Crying, 9/6/09
• Missing Jason, 9/1/09
• Message 30 - Being, 10/1/09
• Message 28 - We Are One, 9/27/09
• Message 29 - Bridging the Worlds, 9/29/09
• Message 27 - The Formless, 9/23/09
• Message 25 - Playing Heals, 9/15/09
• Message 26 - Planting Seeds, 9/18/09
• Message 24 - Listen To Your Messages, 8/30/09
• Message 22- Surrender, 8/27/09
• Message 23 - Listen to Youth, 8/29/09
• Message 21 - Never Alone, 8/26/09
• Message 19 - I Am With You, 8/25/09
• Message 20 - Die Every Moment, 8/25/09
• Message 18 - The Big Nothing, 8/24/09
• Message 16 - The New Family, 8/23/09
• Message 17 - Held, 8/24/09
• Message 14 - No Rules, 8/22/09
• Message 13 - Love, 8/21/09
• Message 14 - The Treasure Chest, 8/22/09
• Message 12 - Reminder, 8/20/09
• Message 11-11 - Love Is All There Is, 8/19/09
• Message 10 - Pay It Forward, 8/17/09
• Message 11 - Guided Music, 8/18/09
• Message 9 - Follow Your Passion, 8/15/09
• Message 7 - Living Life Fully, 8/13/09
• Message 8 - The Infinite - We Are All Special, 8/14/09
• Message 6 - Released, 8/12/09
• Message 5 - Thank You, 8/11/09
• Message 4 - Lighten Up, 8/10/09
• Message 3 - The New Energy, 8/9/09
• Message 2 from Jason, 8/8/09
• Message 1 from Jason, 8/7/09

 Jason was a powerful manifester in his lifetime, and we created a great life together. When I wanted to live in intentional community with other families (to help each other raise our children) and my husband was not interested, Jason created his own intentional community in a suburban cul-de-sac with four other children who all happened to be born within a couple of years of each other. We manifested a new home in Ipswich so he could be in an art-oriented school where his artistry thrived, with a record sell-and-buy cycle of a couple of months, moving in 1week before school started.

In supporting my vision to create the best life for Jason as a newly-divorced single mom, I manifested my own consulting business which not only allowed me to be home for my son, but also allowed me to be more of who I am. Outside the corporate acculturation and self-suppression of my spiritual power, I blossomed as a healer and musician.

 I created the life I wanted when Jason was with me. Since he left this earth, he continues to inspire me to create the life I want, in an even bigger way, really going for what’s important in my life.

 My partner Kule and I are creating the homes we want, the “home bases” in Ashland, Oregon, and Costa Rica. One important way we know we have found our “homes” because we are contributing our gifts to our communities with their recognition, positive feedback, and loving appreciation.  I am doing my spiritual counseling and channeling in both of my homes, and I’ve found music partners in both of my homes. Kule has been inspired in his solar engineering in both homes, and is inspired to do his personal growth and retreat guide work. This happened so magically and effortlessly, so I know we are in the right places.

 Throughout my grieving process, Jason reminded me of my power to create the life I want, and to acknowledge the knowledge I have gained about manifesting. The following blog entries address various aspects of manifesting. It is my hope that these messages assist in melting away your limits and empowering you as a manifester.

Imagination – 9/09

 How often have we been told that imagination is the opposite of reality?

 Let’s try this one on:

Imagination creates reality.

 Gazing into the clouds today, I searched for angels and images of Jason’s energy and found them. What an imagination! And it felt good, too.

 Our beliefs create our reality; I’ve been studying this for some time, and last year with advanced courses with Avatar. We choose our beliefs, and therefore we choose the reality we want to create from an infinite set of possibilities.

 This is what I got today:

When we imagine, we choose what filters we want to use to tune in to the energy (consciousness) that manifests the reality we want.

We can imagine things that feel good, or we can imagine things that don’t feel good (we do that all the time, don’t we?).

 I could imagine how devastating and unfair it is to lose a child, but I choose not to do this.

I choose to imagine the beauty that Jason has added to my world. That beauty is in my reality.

I choose to imagine how I experience Jason’s presence, so I don’t feel a loss at some level.

I choose to imagine that sadness can be beautiful and not suffering.

 Our feelings act as magnets to seek and magnify the energy we want to manifest – that’s the Law of Attraction, to use the Abraham-Hicks phrase.

 I also like the idea of “fake it until you make it.”

I can imagine what I want to have happen and it will manifest. In order to do this I have to believe it can really happen.

It’s also so important to feel what we feel, and without judgment.

It’s a human experience, a feeling. I try not to get caught up in stories about what the feeling means. It’s a continuous course!

Sadness is sadness. It’s only bad if we believe it is.

I’m fully feeling the sadness. The more I do the more I realize it’s not bad at all.

 As human beings we believe that certain experiences are horrible, such as death. Maybe energetic beings from another plane would see becoming a human as something horrible. It’s all what we decide it is, that’s all.

 I’m guessing some people won’t understand that I am not devastated by Jason’s death. They might think I’m delusional or protecting myself from a traumatic experience. I imagine that others will be interested in seeing things a different way, to create a preferred reality for themselves.

 I was in a rough place today feeling guilty that I might not have done enough for Jason in life. They say it is “normal” to feel guilt, and parents feel enough of this when their kids are alive! I had an Avatar friend lead me through an exercise to shift out of that unnecessary suffering so I can experience the pure sadness that’s not attached to some story, just to my love for Jason. That was freeing. I will continue to choose to not get into places of unnecessary suffering; Jason doesn’t want me to experience that. He wants me to feel free and as limitless as I possibly can. If I ever slip, I will remember to come out of it out of gratitude for Jason.

 Gratitude 10/7/09

 I am reminded of the power of gratitude. Often when I cry about Jason I feel the immense gratitude of having had him in my life, of continuing to feel his blessings. This feeling brings me joy and peace and carries me to a place of feeling abundance.

 I was reminded of how grateful I am for being in this place, and not in a place of devastation and despair as so many parents have experienced in the loss of a child, for years afterward. I attended a support group for bereaved parents two nights ago with Kule and witnessed a huge range of experiences, stories, emotions, and suggestions from parents who lost a child in the past few weeks to many years ago. It is clear that everyone grieves and copes so differently, and I appreciate experiencing the diversity and learning from it. I got clear in hearing some of the stories that I want to remember Jason as always 17, not someone who would-have could-have been someone at such-and-such age, creating attachment and suffering. I am grateful for that insight, and I am so grateful for the loving support of the group as they wished Jason Happy Birthday, passing around his sweet pictures for all to smile and celebrate who he was and is. I will attend the group again; it’s a great resource called The Compassionate Friends. Grieving the loss of a child is so different than any other loss, and I want to be with those who understand. I am so grateful for Kule’s desire to understand this with me, so he can support me.

 I am so grateful for my spiritual connection with Jason and how I am growing spiritually through this experience. I am very interested in the metaphysical exploration of spirit, and how we can connect with the spirit of each one more strongly in life as well as after death. I am grateful for a new connection with another bereaved parent, Henry, who lost his only child to brain cancer a year ago, who moved to this area and is starting a support group for parents that is spiritually based. He had started a website with his son Cameron called www.braincandyproject.org for parents of kids with cancer, and the gratitude he has for having had his angelic son in his life is apparent in the video sharings and interviews with his son during his cancer.

 Years ago when I was teaching goal setting using sound healing a simple equation came to me:

TRUTH +TRUST + GRATITUDE = ABUNDANCE

This feels even more real to me now, after having immersed myself in manifesting studies such as Avatar, understanding how we create our reality. Our truth reflects our beliefs; what we believe is what we experience, and we can choose our beliefs. Trust in Spirit, a higher power, and our will is of course key. Gratitude is the piece that has always fascinated me, and is often overlooked. When we are grateful, we feel the joy of gifts in our life, and that attracts more gifts (the law of attraction). Abundance is a perspective – the glass is half full or half empty or full or overflowing. I am the only one who determines that perspective; I’m responsible for my reality. I create my abundance.

 Feeling abundance after the loss of child seems inconceivable. How can loss and abundance co-exist? I feel the dichotomy of pain and beauty in my grief, so anything is possible.

 Jason’s soul chose me and Chuck as parents for particular reasons, many of which may never be fully revealed on this plane. His path was set in life; he manifested his life. What helps me tremendously is my belief that Jason’s death is not a loss at a spiritual level. I have received so many blessings throughout his life and since he passed. I know I was not meant to suffer, and that belief and trust keep me in a state of Grace and Gratitude.

 Thank you Jason, for teaching me to laugh.

Thank you for teaching me to be in the moment, to forget about time.

Thank you for teaching me patience.

Thank you for helping me lighten up.

Thank you for being an angel to so many.

Thank you for leaving us with so many creative beautiful works of art and music to experience you with our human senses.

Thank you for attracting so many beautiful spirits into our lives.

Thank you for being firmly who you are, inspiring that in others.

Thank you for so many gifts that I may not be aware of, that feed me in magical ways.

 Thank you for teaching me ways to connect with you in your new state, and reminding me we are one.

 Love,

Michelle

Breathe deeply and resonate with these messages:

♥  Grieve the passage of the old. Be grateful for what you have received and allow the letting go, to make way for the new.

♥  Focus your awareness on what you want to create, and what that feels like. Feel the gratitude for creating what is right for you.

♥  There is no such thing as loss, just transformation. We are vibrational beings and we connect energetically with all.

♥   Love is the only thing that lasts forever. If you focus on love, you will not suffer. Pain reminds us of love that we already have.

1 – Garden of Soul (Bluegate, 2003)
2 – Discovery (Bluegate, 2003)
3 – Journey (Bluegate, 2003)
4 – Little Jewel (Bluegate, 2003)
5 – Sirens (Ben Sheppard/Michelle Herrera 2005)
6 – Transformation (Ben Sheppard/Michelle Herrera 2005)
7 – Streams (Ben Sheppard/Michelle Herrera 2005)
8 – Dragonfly (Ben Sheppard/Michelle Herrera 2005)
9 – Move (Michelle Herrera 2005)

Vyola Myst, Michelle Herrera ©2009
This album is my magical journey into music that connects me with the Divine. The pieces with Bluegate are live improvisations, that has my viola and vocal harmony. The pieces with Ben were recorded in a studio and are also improvisations with my viola and voice. “Move” was one of my multi-track recordings that “came in” spontaneously as I sat down to record.

Bluegate is Christine Tulis, Ben Sheppard, Michelle Herrera, and Kem Stralka; songs were co-composed

Ben Sheppard’s website is www.liquidvoice.com , Christine Tulis and Kem Stralka’s website is www.christinetulis.com

Michelle’s CD Journey is a 2009 sample collection of improvised music (viola, voice, and singing bowls). More recent works are shown below.

Sessions for Abundance Activation, are 30-60 minutes long. Vyola Myst will activate your feeling to manifest what you desire for your highest good, and give you a take-home practice. The session includes a brief card reading, manifesting advice, and activation with Reiki, Avatar, and sound healing.

Sessions are in person or on the phone. The requested fee for 30 minute sessions is a sliding scale of $25-50. The requested fee for a 60 minute session is a sliding scale of $50-100.

This is Vyola Myst’s equation for creating abundance:

Truth + Trust +Gratitude = Abundance

Truth: Follow your true path, your own heart’s desire. Stay connected with Source to stay connected with yourself, and feel what you want to create; that’s how we manifest.

Trust: Believe that you are taken care of, and you will be. Beliefs create our reality; be aware of your beliefs and let go of those that don’t serve you. Affirm what you want daily.

Gratitude: Practice being grateful every day for what you have and what you are creating; it attracts more!

• Life in Costa Rica - Budget Style
• Love, Freedom, and Ascension
• The New Formless Era
• Evolution

• Divine Feminine

Sessions are in person or on the phone. The requested fee for 30 minutes is a sliding scale of $25-50.  The requested fee for 60 minutes is a sliding scale of $50-100.

Vyola Myst may be available to facilitate a sound healing circle for your group. The fee is negotiable depending on the size of the group, length of the event, and location.

 Sessions with Vyola Myst empower, heal, and inspire. Her healing work is at a soul level, manifesting physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She channels healing from her dear son and spirit guide Jason, who has given her a direct link to the “other side” since his passing. The sessions are intuitively guided, using Reiki, sound and music, ritual, Avatar® processes, energy clearing, and connection with Spirit guides.

Sessions may be done in person or on the phone. The fee for healing channeling sessions with Vyola Myst is a sliding scale of $60-120 per hour.

From Vyola Myst, aka Michelle Herrera Foster:

My son Jason gave me the gift of channeling on August 6, 2009 when he passed to the other side after a car accident at the age of 17. In my painful grief-stricken state I received powerful energy and messages from him that were incredibly beautiful and healing (www.jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com). I was told I would be working with him to serve as a bridge to the “other side”. My eternal love for him has anchored my connection to his new formless energy state, and this connection gives me greater access to other divine wise beings beyond our physical plane. I am in awe of the power of each person’s intuition and inner wisdom, and I am guided to help those who are ready to do this more fully.

Jason was an indigo child, a crystal child, with an innate understanding of oneness and a desire to see everyone understand the precious beings that they are. He followed his passion as a talented digital artist, music composer, poet, humorist, and percussionist. He left us with so many works that are well beyond his earthly years, and continues to inspire many to follow their passion (http://plutonicfluf.com)

I am so grateful that I have been able to fully receive Jason’s message in life and after he passed, which are also reflections of wisdom I have gained in my lifelong spiritual path. Since August 2011, two years after Jason’s passing, I have chosen to move from managing a prosperous technical writing and planning business to being a full time Spiritual Guide. I offer you my experience as a Reiki Master, Avatar Wizard, sacred sound healer, co-counseling guide, Zegg Forum facilitator, manifesting teacher, women’s group facilitator, world traveller, and other gifts.

Blessings on your journey,
Michelle

I am guided to offer one session by optional donation to anyone who has lost a child of any age. I know how difficult this type of loss is, and I want those who have lost children to know they have support.

In general, the requested fee for healing channeling sessions (in person or on the phone) is $60-120 per hour.

If you would like more information, see writings about Loss and Change, and to read about my book Messages from Jason.

I was born a healer and I gave birth to a healer. My son Jason and I are connected beyond the womb connection, beyond this earth plane. When he passed from this earth at the age of 17 in 2009, he gave me powerful messages that I shared in my writings on this blog. We are doing our work together now. He is connecting me with his wisdom and that of many guides he gets to hang out with on the “other side”. Jason always attracted beautiful souls in life and beyond!

These last two years I’ve done powerful grieving, I’ve celebrated Jason’s life, and I’ve hung on to the roller coaster of emotions and adventure of creating a new life, including travelling to the west coast and Costa Rica finding beautiful new homes and new-culture communities with my beloved Kule (www.kulemichelle.blogspot.com ) . Now I’m embracing a new relationship with this beautiful soul called Jason that was my son for 17 years. He has opened a sacred door to me of trust of seeing and understanding the wisdom that is available to us beyond our senses. I’ve suffered a difficult physical loss, and I’m in awe of a beautiful spiritual gain that Jason is offering me from his world, and I in turn want to offer to this world. My love for my son transcends form and dimension, and connects me to him in order to receive information and energetic connection from pure Source.

We are a team.

Jason never used the words “spiritual”, “heal” or “healer”; I understand now that it is because he knew from deep wisdom that we are all capable of healing ourselves. His connection to Source is apparent in his photography and music (www.plutonicfluf.com). I believe that just looking at his art and music (posting in progress 9/11) can be transformational to the viewer.

My commitment as a “healer” is to be a guide, to assist others to connect with their own inner wisdom and Source for self-healing. One of the first messages I received from Jason when he dropped his body and soared with his newfound spiritual freedom is to let everyone know what precious beings they are, and to help them find this within themselves. He helped his friends with this when he was alive, and continues to do this with those who continue to connect with his energy.

It is an honor to serve with Jason to help anyone who is asking for greater connection with their own beauty, wisdom, and creativity.

I do this in honor of you, Jason, and of my self.

There are so many times when I feel like I’m submerged in thoughts and tiny things that accumulate in my head. I start to feel hot and thirsty and overwhelmed like time collapsed into a single second and it’s all happening righthererightnow. But then I hear the leaves rustling around me like waves, and I feel a wind brush past me like a soft white sheet, and I breathe the scent of quintessential peace and presence and the comfort it brings. And in this open field things start to expand again…. And now is just… now. – Jason Foster 7/9/09

I never imagined I would lose my son at such a young age, my only child.
I certainly never imagined that losing the most precious being in my life would prove to me that there is no such thing as loss.
Now I am certain that I am here on this earth to spread the messages I received from Jason after he passed from this earth plane at the age of 17.
From the depth of pain has surfaced awe.
Love is the only thing that exists.

Jason was and is an amazing soul. I started receiving his messages the day he died. In the midst of that fresh grief, I woke up in the middle of the night and was moved to write. The pen seemed to move on its own. There was so much to receive. His spirit was so powerful; I cried from the beauty more than from the grief. I wrote every day for months.

The grief may be lifelong, but the book is written. The gifts are eternal and enlightening.

“Evening Reds” by Jason Foster, 2009

Jason was a gifted artist and musician in life (http://www.plutonicfluf.com/ ), and he wanted me to get back in touch with my gift of writing, just as he encouraged me in life to pursue my passion for music. His soul chose me in this lifetime, and he knew that I would totally get his messages and feel his spirit very much alive. He is doing important healing work from the other side, I am certain of that.

I find it difficult to write this synopsis, to distill in a short piece the depth of spiritual integration I received that I would like to pass on to others. The messages “came in” in a very sacred way, and I feel strongly that they should be kept sacred by passing them on intact. I first shared them with close friends on email, and then started a blog, http://www.jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com/. The messages have had profound impact on many, and I knew they had to be shared more widely.

The first message from Jason was to tell me how free he was without a body. He wanted me to tell everyone that we all limit ourselves in our bodies. He wants everyone to know how big they can be when they follow their passion. He inspired and continues to inspire his friends and hundreds on the internet through his Deviant art account (http://www.deviantart.plutonicfluf.com/) Jason didn’t use the word “spiritual” but he knew how to connect with people through his spirit in a big way. It was easy for him to continue the spiritual connection after he dropped his body.

“Shards of Dreams” – Jason Foster 2009

Jason is a highly evolved loving being. Minutes after I received the news that he had died suddenly in a car accident, I felt his angelic energy rush into me like soft light flashes, and I knew he was fine. He told me energetically, yet very clearly, that he was more than fine; he was exactly where his soul wanted to be to do the powerful work he wants to do. I knew in that instant that I was going to be fine, too, doing what I needed to do here on earth.

Jason’s messages came to me in ways where there was no mistaking his energy. Sometimes they came in with the type of humor he expressed when he was alive. One time he was communicating to me through his computer, and when I told him that freaked me out but that it was quite creative, he said “thank you” and stopped and never did it again. He knew I would get the messages in energetic ways that didn’t freak out his mom. I got them often when I was out in nature, when I happened to find something I had been looking for and realized Jason was handing it to me with a message, when I was reminiscing on great times we shared, when I was listening to his music or looking at his art, when I could feel his energy in cloud formations, and in many other creative ways. Jason was all about power and creativity in life and beyond. There is no mistaking the energy of Jason when it comes in. His energy and his messages come in through his photography and poetry, which will be included in this book.

“Three Benches” – Jason Foster, 2009

I can’t express enough the love and gratitude that I have experienced being connected to Jason’s spirit since he passed. He has taught me that there is no such thing as loss, just change of form. “If we see everything as spirit (energy) transforming from one form to another, then there is no loss and we see abundance and the worth of every living thing” (from the chapter Earth Mother).

My son Jason has helped me to understand that there is only one thing that exists throughout all forms, and that is love.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

Messages from Jason:
I’ve distilled Jason’s messages down to 17, Jason’s earth age.
1. We limit ourselves with our minds; if we believe this, we can see more options to create what we want.
2. Love is eternal; it is the only thing that really exists. Go into your heart, that’s where the important answers are, not our minds. We have access to everything through love.
3. When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us.
4. Know that we are all precious beings, connected by a higher power. Treat ourselves and others as precious and we will feel connected and supported. Be fully who you are.
5. Follow your passion; it will bring you fulfillment. Live your life fully, and this inspires others to live their lives fully. Pay It Forward – Help other people follow their passion, to empower your own.
6. We connect with our loved ones, alive or departed, through our love and fond memories of them, including play and humor. We can “lighten up” to experience the uplifting memories, to feel their energy with us, uplifting us, as if they were right there with us.
7. We communicate with others, alive or departed, through their essence, or spirit, in many non-verbal ways that are often more powerful than verbal. We capture the essence of ourselves and others through art, music, and other creative expression that help us see the beauty and preciousness of everything. Our dreams help us to connect with our essence without being hindered by the mind’s beliefs.
8. There are no rules, there is only the mind and what it chooses to believe. Our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. That’s our illusion.
9. Gratitude connects us with our heart and helps us to manifest more to be grateful for. Practice being grateful often.
10. If we accept death, we embrace life. We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer. Death often happens to serve a higher purpose that might not be clear with our minds for some time. Trust in the cycle of life and death, of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth.
11. Surrender. Let go of the ego and feeling the need to control. Let the love and healing in. Let go of old beliefs and patterns that don’t serve you anymore, and open your heart and your mind to receiving the new that does serve you. We are held by a higher power, the divine.
12. There is nothing to be afraid of. Don’t be afraid of your own shadow, your beliefs that dictate what you experience.
13. Wisdom comes in many forms, and often not what we expect – from dreams (the unknown), from an inner knowing (intuition), from young people (“old souls”), and from nature. Be open to learning new things and ways; lift your filters. Gifts are waiting to be received if we are open to seeing them.
14. We attract and create family, loving community, wherever we are, if we believe this can happen.
15. We are never alone. There is a higher power with us all the time; our guides, angels, and our higher self. You can connect with the essence of your departed loved ones as if they were with you, feeling their love and support. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it ain’t there!
16. Believe in Oneness – There is no separation, we are all connected.
17. Enjoy Being. Practice Presence, releasing your over-focused attention on the past, worries of the future, etc. The ultimate joy is in being in the moment, being present to the now, seeing the beauty of all. This is the secret to happiness.

PASSAGES from “Messages from Jason”:

From Message 1 from Jason, 8/7/09, 3 AM the night of his passing:

His love is so big, and now that he isn’t in his body he is limitless. He wants everyone to know that it is so easy to let the love in, and he can help us see how we can become more limitless. He is inviting all of you who know how to connect with him energetically to let him in as fully as you can because he is sending healing energy to the planet from the other side. He was so happy to get through to me, and it was quite overwhelming, I was laughing and crying at the same time. My partner Kule asked me what I can ask from Jason, and I asked him to tone it down a bit so I could sleep. He did, right away, it was amazing. Then I fell asleep. His love is magical.

From Message 8 -The Infinite, 8/14/09 :

Jason – what do we need to know about the infinite?

“Nothing – Just Be It. If you try to know it, you lose the connection. We are limitless, but we limit ourselves with our minds.”

From Message 22- Surrender, 8/22/09:

I awoke and heard “There’s Nothing Left.”

Writing it now it means to me that there is nothing left to do but surrender.I’m feeling great peace and love, and now with a sense of calm. It’s the feeling I’ve had when I’ve completely surrendered and I just know everything is perfect. It doesn’t come from my mind, but from my being. I’ve surrendered to the healing that is available from Jason and from my relationship with him and what he has taught me.

Jason is asking all of us to surrender and let the healing in.

From Message 24 – the Big Nothing, 8/24/09 :

This morning I was going through the box Jason kept bedside and found a poem on folded up paper that he must have written this past year, since I gave him the box a year ago. It was about the big nothing, the same title of a story I made up for him when he was about 10 yrs old. Lost my breath once again.

Blajhu – poem by Jason Foster, c. 2008-2009

In wet

Plunging down

into

the deep unknown

Blinded

Not knowing what’s

In front of you

or behind

Submerge

into nothing

Not knowing what’s there

and what’s not

Nothing

and everything

is there for the use

of no one

Falling

Behind of something

in front of nothing

while you drop relentlessly

Two in front of nothing

and from nothing I’m behind

Eager

Leaving the scent

of the light

from the liquid behind you

Swimming

Up above you

Where the light shows bright

You’re being brought

Touching

the scent of the brightness

that you had once lost

And finding it shattered

Leaving

Free to go, I suppose

as I get sucked down

And shot to the sky

Flying

I hover over

the sea

And watch it fly by

Two in front of nothing

And from nothing I’m behind

As I’m sucked down from my steady pace

Contained in a big black nothing

From Message 28 – We Are One, 9/27/09:

I watched the scarlet-yellow painted leaf that I threw into the stream move into a deep hole. It got caught up in eddies and swirled slowly to the bottom and the color faded to emptiness. I trusted I would see it again, and I waited patiently to see it churn upward in the cross-currents to resurface with its sunny colors. The eddies took it down again, reminding me of my emotional roller coaster. I prayed for surrender, trusting completely that this beautiful spirit would resurface with every submerge, in its own time, and be carried with the flow. With that energy of surrender held, I witnessed the sudden catapulting to the surface and with one quick smooth stroke the leaf glided glisteningly across the rocky ledge over a waterfall, where it continued its dance in the joy of being.

From Message 30 – Being, 10/1/09
I asked Jason what gives him the most joy where he is. As soon as I said it, I realized how silly the question was. In the world of spirit there is no such thing as joy or sadness or pain or peace. There is just what is. Being – with no judgment or labels or expectations. Just experiencing what is, with wonder.

From Tsunami, 11/10/09:

I believe that when someone dies, enormous energy is passed through those connected with that soul, like a tidal wave or an atomic explosion. There is the experience of shock and disbelief. There appears to be major loss and unfairness. So much crashes in on us – feelings, memories, and thoughts that are so intense and hard for our nervous systems to handle. This includes the overwhelming love that sweeps over us. There is also so much that floats to the surface, after the huge waves churn us up. It washes up on the beach, waiting to be cleared. With each burial or burning of debris, there is a clearing of energy, making way for the renewal and building of what is desired. It’s a lot of work. It’s exhausting. It’s grief.

From Grieving Affirmations, 12/31/2009:

I accept Jason’s death; it was his soul’s choice on his soul’s path. The higher plan may not be completely known to me, and I trust in his evolution and in what he is offering from the other side. I celebrate Jason’s life and spirit.

From Message 35 – Move In, 1/9/10:

It feels like time to move on, and the message I got from Jason today is to move in.

I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.

From The Observer, 8/6/10, 1 yr after Jason’s passing:

I found myself watching Jason’s ashes swirl in the water. A year ago this was a powerful shamanic experience, feeling his energy in the ashes, letting it release the intensity of grief. This year it was different. I watched the ashes in interest. I observed the texture. I watched my emotions come up – missing him, wishing he hadn’t died, feeling the fatigue of so much grief over the past year, feeling the joy of having him in my life. The ashes, the emotions, they were all dust, they were all experiences that were what they were. No judgment, just observation.

I looked around Jason’s cove, feeling his presence. The feeling of presence wasn’t separate from me as it was in the past. He was watching as I was watching; we were the Observer together, there was no separation.

From A Year to Live, 8/22/10:

I died when Jason died.

Now I have the opportunity to re-live the way I choose to.

From Travelling with Jason, 10/4/10, on a continuing cross-country sabbatical seeking a new place to live with my partner Kule:

I continue to get clear signs that Jason is with me. At Yellowstone Falls I felt Jason’s unmistakable power in the flow of tons of clear water. At Olympic National Park during my visit with the sacred Sitka tree, the grandmother spirit blessed me with her love and acknowledged the amazing love I have for Jason; Jason showered his love for me through this ancient wise tree.

These were potent experiences. They brought me back to the place of trusting in the unseen, in the incredible energetic connection we can have with each other in life and after life.

It’s awesome travelling with you, Jason.

]]> http://vyolamyst.com/book-synopsis-messages-from-jason/feed/ 0 http://vyolamyst.com/merging-with-jason/ http://vyolamyst.com/merging-with-jason/#comments Sun, 17 Oct 2010 22:12:00 +0000 michelle http://vyolamyst.com/merging-with-jason/ I am in California, where Jason thought he might go to college. We just visited my brother Al’s family’s near Lake Tahoe that is a museum of Jason’s art, hung in every room. Jason is with me everywhere I go, and recently I had some profound experiences that remind me that we are not separate.

I have always wanted to go to Mt. Shasta to feel its vortex energy. A week ago, sitting in meditation at the headwaters of Panther Meadows, a place of Indian and Western sacred ritual, I realized I hadn’t thought of Jason since I landed in Mt. Shasta a few hours before and through the beautiful hike up to the meadows. I thought that was significant, and immediately I connected with Jason and saw some clear images.

Jason was an eagle, soaring through the mist of the mountain, free and powerful. The eagle is an appropriate totem for Jason. I was soaring with him, as a condor, a symbol of death, release, and transformation. We flew together for a while, until it felt we were one winged being. My semi-lucid mind recalled the Peruvian prophecy that at this time in our evolution it is important for the eagle and the condor to fly as one.

Coming out of meditation I felt lightness I hadn’t felt in some time. The previous day I was in some heaviness, looking out at a valley by Lassen volcano that had been destroyed by a fire in August 2009, at the time of Jason’s passing. Now I felt that heaviness gone, and I was in inspiration. There is something very powerful about connecting with Jason in this way, as we are merged into one being.

Two nights ago Kule and I joined an Osho group with our friend Rob (Atmaram) in Santa Cruz to do the Quantum Light Breath meditation. I set an intention to release all judgments, especially those I have about myself and what I can create. Jason’s presence was so palpable that another meditator shared that she felt it, too, not knowing about Jason at the time.

During the meditation my pelvis was being rocked rhythmically in a highly energetic fashion, helping release old stuff, and feeling a connection with Source very deeply. Jason was there, helping me rock and roll.

After the meditation I shared my experience and Rob, who had been resonating with Jason’s messages this past year, shared that there seemed to be something unique about the merging that I have been sharing with Jason. Hearing him express this, I felt some excitement, some recognition that this is happening, that Jason and I chose to do this at a soul level.

Yesterday, we walked through the ancient redwood forest and found a 1000-2000 yr old tree that had survived a fire. The inside was hollowed out and charred completely, and the outside was a magnificent giant living tree. Looking up through the inside, I felt very strongly the qualities of death and life co-existing in this tree. It was more than beautiful, it was peaceful ancient wisdom. It was telling me that death and life are not separate, that forms change but do not cease to exist.

The bottom line (or the Top Line) is that we are all one, we are not separate, and we are eternal . My experience with Jason has cleared my doubts about that, and it helps me to pass on this understanding to others by simply sharing Jason’s story.

I am feeling the call of getting to work to publish the book about Jason’s messages, to share this in a bigger way.

As soon as I started connecting fully with Jason’s spirit on this land, I felt another presence, an omnipresence that was rich and beautiful. I continued walking on the Cedar trail of this permaculture education center outside Eugene Oregon. We came across two tombstones in the woods from the 80’s, when the land belonged to a Christian camp.

Looking at the dates, the first tombstone was of a girl who died at 22 yrs. The second tombstone was for a baby who died at 7 months. Instantly the tears came. I wept for the loss of these children. I felt the grief of the parents who lost these precious young ones. I know what this kind of grief is. I knew it wasn’t a coincidence that I came across these tombs on my first walk here. I also knew right away why these children were buried in this remote wooded area, nestled among trees, in front of a prominent tall tree stump that symbolized death and rebirth, nurtured by mother earth.

A sign was on the ground next to the tombs, barely visible in the grass. It read: “From Death comes Life.”

I paused to be with the grief and to feel the omnipresent energy I felt earlier, now even more strongly. This is the divine feminine energy, mother earth. She is loving these children. She is loving all of us. The message was so clear – the land and all life on it here loves everyone who stays here to nurture her back, tilling her soil, caring for her animals, appreciating the beauty, teaching others how to connect with nature in this way.

I got my first class in permaculture at Lost Valley, from the Earth herself.

Moving up the trail to a sunny area, I meditated for a while. When I opened my eyes I noticed a small fungus growing out of decaying matter. It showed me the cycle of life, death and new life. As I studied this small plant, I received a definition of permaculture, of what I call “Personal Permaculture”:

“If we see everything as spirit (energy) transforming from one form to another, then there is no loss and we see abundance and the worth of every living thing.”

These have been Jason’s messages all along, and his passing has given me a clearer view of these energetic connections, and an understanding of how there is no loss when we die, but a change in form. Jason has proven this to me; I have no doubt.

If we can connect energetically with all life, the earth, plants, animals, and other humans in this way, then our fears about loss dissolve and we can live life more fully and create more aliveness within ourselves as well as all we perceive outside ourselves.

This is personal permaculture. I don’t see how we can truly live in harmony with all that is without a belief in this energetic connection, without some spiritual connection. Permaculture education seems to be weighed toward the science and experimental observations, with reference to listening to what nature has to tell and show us. Perhaps there will be greater and greater focus on the spiritual aspect, back to the indigenous wisdom.

I’m curious about pursuing the spiritual path of permaculture, and will be returning to Lost Valley to spend some time here with the land and the knowledgeable and creative people who contribute to this special place.

On our third and last day of our first visit here, I walked along the creek trail and found a soft log to sit on. As I picked up my phone to make a call, it immediately didn’t feel right to be using electronic technology, but rather to be with nature here. I looked up and saw a doe and her baby deer feeding across the creek. I hung with them until they moseyed off to find more food. Back at the parking lot as I was packing the car, I met another mother with her baby who stayed in visual relaxed contact with me for several minutes, it seemed.

The mother energy is strong here, and it has reminded me of how strong my own mother energy is, and my connection with my soul child.

It’s sweet hanging out in Bambi country with Jason.

This journey I’m not headed back, and Jason is travelling with me.

Jason is everywhere. He’s taking photographs of Badlands, mystical trees, and weird mushrooms. He’s hanging with the cool young people. He’s checking out the amazing artistic creations. He’s playing with the street musicians. He’s selling his photographs at the community marketplace. Jason would have loved the northwest cities of Seattle, Portland, and Eugene, with all the diversity, openness, and friendliness here.

The emptiness caught up to me today when I heard the marimba playing on the street corner leaving the farmer’s market. The young man was playing a song that sounded very much like Jason’s composition; it stopped me in my tracks. As I walked away on weak legs, I sat with the pain and let it flow out with my tears. Back to being in the moment with my new dear friends, I also reflect on the importance of acknowledging the pain as it arises.

Jason was hanging with us when we visited Ben, Noah, and Samara at Orcas Island. We had so much fun, I forgot the pain of his absence, with the exception of a few moments in which we shared some grief together. Jason was definitely inspiring Ben to do the water phone ritual with water dragons in Crescent Lake. We got randomly silly and ridiculous together like old times, now with Kule joining in. Jason was enjoying watching us play.

Every time I meet someone who talks about their grown up children and what they do together, which has been quite often in this trip, I feel some pain of my own loss. I miss seeing Jason continue to evolve in his human body. I miss sharing my life with him. I miss him. Simple.

I also continue to get clear signs that Jason is with me. At Yellowstone Falls I felt Jason’s power in the flow of tons of clear water. At Olympic National Park during my visit with the sacred Sitka tree, the grandmother spirit blessed me with her love and acknowledged the amazing love I have for Jason; Jason showered his love for me through this ancient wise tree.

These were potent experiences. They brought me back to the place of trusting in the unseen, in the incredible energetic connection we can have with each other in life and after life.

It’s awesome travelling with you, Jason.

Living more primitively than I’m used to has brought up some challenges during the launch of our intentional community exploration. The heat wave, for example….I want to give up AC, but if I had been home at that time I’d have been turning that electricity-hogging machine on – because it’s there! This nature wonderland is raising my wonder. The more I stay with the experience without judgment (hard or bad or crazy, etc) the more I can tune in to the Source of this experience. Being one with nature is something I’ve always understood but haven’t experienced as deeply.

I’m humbled.

The young people (and older “ageless” people) who travel the country to be in Rainbow Gatherings know how to be at ease in the flow of nature. They thrive on the gentle chaos. I allow myself to feel what it would feel like to be these beautiful young hippies, at one with nature, at one with each other, not questioning what’s possible, not worrying about how they will be fed, not getting caught up in mainstream indoctrination. It feels really good. I allow that feeling to create my current reality. Before I know it I’m enjoying the sweat, the soiled clothes, the dirt under my nails, nature’s bathroom, and even offering my blood to the mosquitos in exchange for building tolerance and immunity to the itching (it’s working!).

I think about how much Jason would love hanging with these wild creative young people, so much at home with oneness. Then I remember how little he loved hanging with bugs and other outdoor discomforts, and laughed to myself about it. I shared a few tears with a few Anahata dwellers who were moved by Jason’s photography and music, and who totally got how creative and one-world-focused he was. They felt Jason’s presence and were grateful for having gotten to know him through me. We enjoyed playing music together, getting into the kind of creative flow Jason thrived on. Music is my nature.

When I was told about the Firefly primitive arts conference that many Earthaven folks were attending over the weekend, I caught myself with some prejudices about it being a wild hippy fest, focused on bad-mouthing the earth-destroying culture. I was humbled once again when I arrived to a well-organized, welcoming, and diverse group of workshop facilitators and participants. I immediately dropped any notion that I wouldn’t “fit in” and thoroughly enjoyed my time participating in workshops, cooling off in the lake, having brief (walk-by smiles and hugs) to longer communications with open-minded and educated folks like me (only different). The bio-gas talk was professionally done by a long-haired “chemistry geek” who was able to reach both scientist and farmer alike. I’m inspired to not only compost but to harvest methane from it for cooking – I recall being excited to see the larger scale methane generators at Rancho Margot in Costa Rica earlier this year.

There seems to be no limit to how much more we can get back to nature!

During our visit to Anahata, a small privately-owned community in Floyd, VA, we joined a community pot-luck and presentation event hosted by several organizations from all around the Appalachian mountains. I was inspired to experience the solidarity of the movement to end mountain-top removal by coal companies. Coming from New England, far from coal country, I felt ashamed that I never knew that this was happening, destroying mountains, watersheds, and communities even more quickly than before with these cost-savings techniques. The wonderful blend of positive political activism and one-world approach brought me hope that major change can happen when we focus on what we want and don’t get caught up in fear about what we don’t want. Floyd is a community evolved in sustainability as well as spiritual connection, to the earth and to all. Recognition that we all take responsibility for the capitalism (dependence on fossil fuels) that created the environmental issues around coal mining was touching and inspiring.

By reclaiming our own nature we can get our nature back.

I’m learning more about permaculture. I’m not into the details of it yet, but I’m getting the energy of it. It’s about our energetic connection, how our Source tunes into the Earth’s Source. It’s a wonderful bridge of eco-mindedness and spiritual focus. There’s even a famous holistic-health author living at Earthaven, Rudy Ballentine, who is finishing up his next book on the connection between Tantra and permaculture. That’s so cool; there is so much cool stuff happening in the Asheville area. I’m definitely looking for a community who is both focused on sustainability and spirituality. It’s not a primary focus right now at Earthaven, but the personal growth and spirituality focus is present and growing.

I was fascinated by the sign “The Light Center” posted on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere on a windy mountain road near Earthaven in Black Mountain, NC. I’m really getting how magical the mountains are here (the oldest range on the continent), and I figured this center must be doing some kind of research about the energy here. I was right. We stopped by at the lodge that rents out rooms at this natural retreat center and met a couple getting ready to have dinner. They welcomed us with beaming light. The man is one of the co-founders, now living in Atlanta, who hadn’t been here in 20 years. We heard the story of how this center was created, and got to know the son of the owner, Jay. We all became instant friends, co-evolutionaries in the study of vibrational medicine – light for them and sound for me. We made a date to do a sound healing in the meditation dome the next evening.

The energy in the Light Center dome is powerful and pure. The synergy of that energy with the sound coming from my instruments and voice was a high for all of us. Some powerful healings have taken place at this center, and we were honored to feel and contribute to that potential. We made a date to come back in the morning when the light meditation chamber was open. The meditation accompanied by beautiful music was 30 minutes long, sitting in comfortable cushion chairs in a circle, surrounded by light, one chakra at a time (ROYGBIV). Again, we were honored to be welcomed into this spiritual practice of our new friends. We have been invited to come and do sound healing again with them anytime. Another home away from home, reminding us that our home is Source.

I am very familiar with connecting with the light, with Source, with the “other side” that can assist with this connection. Jason is a direct channel for me, and I’m guessing he will always be one, along with music, meditation, tantra, intimate relationships, and other channels.

I watch as awareness of my beliefs surfaces….. Beliefs that I can’t handle hot weather, my back and hips aren’t made for sleeping on the ground, that I don’t know how to grow my own food, that I need a lot of space and quiet away from people, etc. I am watching myself let go of identities, ways I see myself and perceive others see me. I am feeling freer. Jason taught me by example and by questioning the indoctrination of this culture that I can free myself from standard and transparent beliefs. I have been enjoying, for perhaps the first time in my life, being with many people and feeling my own space, not needing as much physical space for myself. There is a feeling of non-separation, of one-ness with others who are on the same path. Conflicts arise and transparency and love dissolve them. We witnessed wonderful leadership and negotiation in the Anahata community and in our Network for New Culture gatherings.

Love always connects.

Jason is assisting me to be free. I feel more alive since his death because I am even more connected to Source, through my connection with him. I am feeling my inherent nature more, not clouded by limiting beliefs.

Jason is my greatest guide in my journey back to nature.

Back to my nature.

Home at one time meant being with Jason. Tears flow with this thought. I do miss that home very much.

I also know I can create a home wherever I am. Jason is with me wherever I am. Jason was ready the last year of his life to leave our home in Ipswich, and so was I. He is reminding me of that.

We have been welcomed into the home of our dear friends Suchi and Kimchi in the Earthhaven intentional community near Asheville, NC. Our home is a yome, a kind of yurt, spacious and comfortable. We gather at the main house for meals and deep and fun conversation. We create community. We create family.

To me home is not only a place I feel I can be myself, with space, comfort, and peace. It is also family. I know I create loving family wherever I am.

My home last week was a beautiful wooded forest along a magical mountain creek in W. Virginia, Abram’s Creek. My family was created at the Network for New Culture summer camp, a group of 90. We participated in evolutionary workshops and met every morning for Zegg Forum, a facilitated process where individuals express transparency for increased awareness and healing, held by the large group’s sacred container. Personal growth can happen in leaps and bounds in Forum. Kule and I have been receiving training to be facilitators (in June in the intentional community of Ganas in Staten Island, NY). We shared our latest learnings with other Forum facilitators here at Earthhaven. We are passionate about having the tools to grow community, which supports our home.

We shared many sweet hugs and intimate conversations with our family at summer camp. We learned from our triggers, our teachers. “You don’t get your money’s worth if you don’t get triggered here”, a common quote at summer camp. It’s a gift to be shown what we need growth in. Family members are our best mirrors. The closing circle was abundant with love and gratitude.

The Earthhaven intentional community (IC) is a collection of homes and families that share in the ownership of the larger community. Other than dues and a 4-hr weekly work commitment (4 “leaps” a week), there are no requirements to be together in community. This allows for freedom of choice, and creates the perception by some that the community doesn’t come together enough, and there are many challenges created by the diverse needs of members and by individual expectations and rules. I’m hearing this is true in all intentional communities, and this is the start of our exploration into ICs.

What binds the community here is the larger home – Earth. There is great connection to the earth here, such respect and love for our dear earth, and learning about organic gardening, permaculture, sustainability, homesteading, composting, primitive arts, etc Just as in any community there is diversity of interests, and there are expectations that all will embrace the same dream(s). There are great growth opportunities, or FGOs (“another fucking growth opportunity”), what we often laugh about at summer camp.

I feel at home here when I see the values I value being expressed, such as connection to the earth and building community with powerful group tools such as NVC, empathy, and Forum. I am homesick when I feel uncomfortable about so much newness, things I am not familiar with doing or being, including the heat wave and the most intense moon time I’ve had in over a year. It feels hard, and I’m being guided to slow down, be with the earth, be with myself, unglue from what I have believed to be my home.

The earth is my home. The mountain air carries me inward, the sun warms my heart, the green forest is a feast of beauty, the water washes away the menses, the grief, the overwhelm of change, the rocks ground me. It’s all here to support me. There is nothing I can’t get here if I really want it. It’s all here, right here, with me.

The week before summer camp I was reunited with some of my Bluegate family, Christine Tulis and Kem Stone, members of my spiritual music family. It was like old times and better. Christine was an aunt to Jason, and our housemate for a year. The family bond never goes away.

The week before that my blood family was visiting from RI, CA, and Ohio. I have been appreciating my birth family even more since Jason passed. I didn’t even miss him at the photo shoots until after I saw the photos and missed seeing his face. It’s sad and it’s beautiful at the same time. We share so much love. My nieces are enjoying Jason’s treasure boxes; it was time to pass them on and it feels great.

I had a gathering of friends before we left for vacation. My extended family, my virtual intentional community(s), are there for me wherever I am. When I feel sad about leaving my community, Kule reminds me that we build community wherever we go.

I enjoy so much my family of women. The women’s group I co-facilitated at summer camp was wonderfully supportive and nurturing. I miss my women’s group back home, and they are with me on the phone and by email. I felt honored to be part of a spontaneous women’s group with Suchi’s housemate and neighbor, as we created a container of support for a difficult phase of the neighbor’s life. The women’s circle in the woods was a fairy ring, a sacred circle of divine feminine, an honoring of the full moon and all its magic. The wild woman inside me danced around the fire, the mother inside me consoled a sister who was stung by a wasp, the creator inside me made music. We shared our gifts and gratitude.

There are so many families to be created.

The world is my community. One World – it does exist. Right here, in my heart, my One Home.

With friends.

With Source.

It’s been a time of major change in my life and I’ve felt the disconnection from Source bigger than I’m used to in recent weeks. The good thing is – it’s always right here with me, and I’m bound to bump into it again and it will stick! It’s been great practice in being in the moment; that’s where we find Source.

Playing music in spiritual community brings the connection back instantly. I’m continuously amazed how I can feel the pain of loss at the same time that I am feeling the bliss of being and connecting with Source. It is feeling more continuously that there is no separation; it’s all Grace. There’s no loss or gain; it’s all right here.

The First Boston Chant Festival yesterday was a magical reunion of many friends I hadn’t seen in some years. I watched my life of the past 25 years unfold in the meeting of dear soul friends, as we caught up in timeless minutes, sharing our current life journey with words and energetically. It was so beautiful to be in the opening act with Ashara’s kirtan band, and I felt my viola fill the room with the love I felt from me and all present to connect with our hearts. It is always a joy to share my musical gift in this way. The audience was filled with the radiance of recognition of a higher love.

It was a journey through time that showed me there is no such thing as time. We are all here for a short time and yet it is forever.

My sister Mariana came to spend my birthday with me; that alone would have made my day, and I got to see her enjoy the loving energy in this growing kirtan community. Sitting with Kule and Mariana amidst rows of loving friends was a sweet birthday present, reminding me of how much we have journeyed this past year, with Jason in our hearts. Moving through my life from childhood, my former husband Chuck was there, with dear friends we used to do kirtan (Satsang) with before Jason was born and when he was a baby at my breast. Then there were my North Shore healing arts friends and other local friends I have not seen enough of lately, and that I will miss so much when I move, along with other friends I have been wanting to connect with for the past year from the Human Awareness Institute. I reunited with sound healing friends from NESHRI (www.soundhealingnetwork.org I co-founded 8 years ago); the sound of Sanskrit chant, voices singing together, and beautiful instruments create powerful sound healing and shared intention for love and connection to Source.

They were all there, the old friends and the new, even the ones that weren’t there physically. It was a lovely reunion of dear souls who have accompanied me on my spiritual journey.

I reunite with Jason on a daily basis, but two days ago my experience of this shifted to a new place.

I was visiting Jason’s swimhole in the White Mountains of NH with Kule and my soul-sister Marie-Anne’s daughter Julia and her fiancé Jeff from Texas. We were enjoying our week-long reunion, reminiscing old times when Julia and Jason (two peas-in-a-pod) would make us laugh so hard with their silliness. I wanted to show them Jason’s swimhole, and when we got there it looked so different than the last time I was there, spreading Jason’s ashes last September. The water level was high, giving us less rock ledge to spread out in. The current was strong, making the short walk over the slippery rocks a shamanic journey.

When we arrived, I was surprised I didn’t feel great sadness. I felt at home. This was my place as well as Jason’s. I’ve come here every year on my birthday for over ten years. As I meditated with the elements, I could hear and feel the rush of water on both sides of my precipice, my piece of earth, and I could feel the warmth of the sun and breathe the refreshing mountain air.

I reunited with Jason. In the next moment, it was me. It was my connection with Source. In that moment, I celebrated the shift from seeing Jason as outside myself to experiencing me as One with Jason, as One with Source.

Re-union.
That the best birthday present!

With tributes come tribulations.

“I don’t want the awards and tributes. I want my son back.”

Jason probably wouldn’t have received the Renaissance Award if he were still alive because his works wouldn’t have been known the way they are now. He was so “outta there” his junior year, and didn’t care to share his photography at school art shows. I’m still feeling out ways to recover from discovering Jason’s best music, and almost half of it, after he died. His close friends hadn’t heard the pieces either. He wrote in his journal that he didn’t think his music was that good; I believe he was changing his mind about that when he wrote a lot a few months before he passed. He just didn’t share it with others; it was too powerful in some way. Perhaps he wanted to be a normal teenager without getting too much attention or experiencing people getting intimated by him; getting accolades through the internet through DeviantArt worked well for him.

“I’m the dead kid’s mother.”

There was a huge turnout of the local community at Jason’s funeral ceremony (most of the names of the register I didn’t recognize), but less than a handful of parents and teachers reached out to me after the ceremony. When I would see someone in town I could feel their resistance to connecting with me. I was a reminder of their pain, of their own triggers about imagining losing their own child and their difficulty dealing with a death so tragic.

At the Renaissance Award I sat with Kule and the family of one of Jason’s closest friends, Gus. That was my bubble; I could actually enjoy the awards ceremony; it was creative and a celebration of so many students’ gifts. I found myself in appreciation again that we had moved to Ipswich to get Jason into the arts-oriented school. Jason’s award drew a standing ovation, but only one parent or student came up to me before or after.

Before the ceremony started, I said hello to one mother who I had had lunch with a year before (she is a consultant, too), and she thanked me for some advice I had given her. When I mentioned I hadn’t seen her since Jason died and I was curious why she hadn’t contacted me (I took a risk here….), she looked puzzled and said we weren’t close, and found a way to edge away. Another mother sitting at our table, who I had met a few times before, told me she wasn’t interested in reading my blog because she has her own spiritual path as a Christian. I was imagining the stories people might have about my perceived pagan-ness, perhaps related to witches burned at the stake in this area years ago……ouch.

I got a big hit that night, after the deluge of grief that washed over me upon returning home. I got so strongly that I should not attend the Senior Banquet because my presence is a reminder of heaviness that would spoil the festivities. That felt right to me. However, when Jason’s good friend Evan contacted me to ask if I would go because he was giving a tribute to Jason (with Jason’s photographs and music), I wanted to go and couldn’t because I had a bad cold. Chuck did a 180 and went to the event; I appreciated seeing his video. Evan did a wonderful job, and the standing ovation was also very touching.

“And now for something lighter….”

was the Principal’s line after Evan’s tribute to Jason; Chuck was amazed at the lack of awareness.

Bottom Line –
People don’t like heaviness. They don’t like being reminded of death and pain. My decision to not go to graduation was a no-brainer relief. I was grateful for what we received, and that is that.

Jason had already graduated, and I felt complete with his school. Graduation day came and went and I was immersed in sacred chant and music and even forgot it was the 10 month anniversary of his passing.

“I moved to Ipswich for Jason, so I would be stuck if I stayed here.”

I’m ready to move. I’m also conflicted. I have so much wonderful virtual community in the Boston area, even though Ipswich as a town has not met my need for the type of community I want to live in and I want to try living outside New England. I’m working hard to move and there are some logistical complications around getting the house ready, getting the right tenants, and balancing all of this with my busy consulting business and my biggest project of the year – grieving. It’s been overwhelming, and my body revolted with a bad cold. I got the message then – time to slow down and take care of myself.

“I don’t know where I’m headed.”

Jason is gone and I’m completely free to follow my passion – and I need to, to best honor Jason. He would want me to. I don’t have anyone to take care of except my travel partner Kule. Even Annaper the cat is taken care of; she just moved to Auntie Liz’s. There’s an incredible excitement about this, and it also brings up an old pattern (one I think all humans with an active mind have) that I want to know what is going to happen, to control what happens. I’m being tested big time, and I’m somewhat passing the tests to be aware of letting go of this pattern.

I’m coming full circle to Jason’s message to Be. It really is the way to happiness.

Tribulations turn into Tributes when I shift to this state of Being,

I received an email Monday morning if I could be there at night to receive the award for Jason. It was a very emotional moment but it didn’t really overtake me until after the ceremony. I wasn’t surprised they picked Jason; he certainly deserves this special award, the only one presented by the director of the Fine Arts programs in the Ipswich school systems. This is what he said when he presented the award:

“The Renaissance Award is given to a student who excels in all areas, in music, in art, and in theater. As a staff we get together to try to look at what to consider; there are so many students that are involved in all these areas, and so many talented students. And we kept coming back to this one student and no matter what we tried to get around it all, we kept coming back to this one student. Unfortunately Jason is not with us, but his spirit is with us. His incredible talent musically and artistically and in the theater as a member of the techies has been just within all of us. I know that he has influenced so many students here and so many teachers. He was an extremely creative young man, one of the most creative students that we’ve run into; extremely open-minded young man that had everything going in. His art work and his music continually “funded” that openness – his openness to many styles of music and art and many cultures, and through all of that created this very special young man – we miss you. He is really with us all. This year’s Renaissance award goes to Jason Foster. We ask his mother Michelle to receive this award for Jason.”

The fine arts director had gotten to know Jason in his freshman year class on electronic music, band class, the jazz improv class, Jason’s junior year independent study course on music composition, and witnessing Jason’s percussion ensemble performances, especially the last one he did 12/08 performing his music compositions on marimba from his independent study course. He may not have been aware of Jason’s photography talents until after he died. His recognition of Jason’s talents is greatly appreciated, and his willingness to give the award to a student who wasn’t present in the school this last year is admirable. Jason was present, in a different way.

It confirms to me that Jason’s spirit is so alive, continuing to inspire many.

I’m feeling my flow.

On my morning walk down to the bridge, I saw a small white 5-petalled flower that reminded me of the days when Jason was very young, when he was obsessed with picking tiny wildflowers and marveling at them (later in life he was obsessed with photographing them). I joined him in the marveling; it was part of my life training with Jason, and it’s ongoing. As I walked to the bridge I felt Jason with me so strongly, letting me know with great certainty that I was being supported on my path in life. The tears came from overwhelm more than from sadness.

I released the flower on the bridge with the intention of letting go and surrendering to all the support that Jason is giving me, that God/Spirit is giving me. I watched the flower drift until I could no longer see it with my eyes, and felt the peace.

Peace. Just to make sure I got the message, a dove appeared on the phone line above me. The dove flew along the road ahead of me and perched again.

Peace now and peace in the future.

So much is happening to support my current transition, preparing to journey cross-country and explore my next phase of my life. Right before I picked Jason’s flower this morning I was reflecting on this. Even the challenging feelings triggered about not being embraced by so many in the conservative Ipswich community were supportive – I’m flowing in the right direction, away from Ipswich for an indefinite amount of time, and most likely permanently because I feel what Kule and I are looking is not in this physical location (New England weather, for one!)

I was reflecting on potential obstacles on my path. I no longer had any worry about Jason. What else could I be worried about? I had been concerned about moving far from my mother, but right before I found Jason’s flower I got the message so clearly and so profoundly that the tears almost stopped me in my tracks. Jason was taking care of my mother now. I didn’t have to worry about her anymore. What a gift.

I have evidence that Jason is taking care of my mother and many others. My mother shared with me recently that she has been doing a bedtime ritual of thinking of Jason very fondly, without great sadness. She feels him with her. It’s so true. She’s doing fantastic. I hope I’m doing that well at 80! I’ll book my parasailing flight in 28 yrs, the way she celebrated her 80th with us a week before Jason passed.

So there are no obstacles except the ones my mind makes up. That’s always the case anyway. We do create our own reality, or at least how we perceive it and what we choose to do with it. With no “real” obstacles, I’m left with my own resistance. I’m seeing the fog lift, to see my own resistance.

Bottom line – It’s a great time for a sabbatical.

My intention has been to “retire” this year, to move into working on what feeds me and trusting I get what I need financially. I like the idea of a sabbatical; it sounds so academic (well, I do have a Ph.D…) yet really fits with my current model. I’m not “resigning”, I’m just exploring new aspects of my work. I love my work, and I love the idea of moving into new “work” that feed me in my new phase of life – that of spiritual counselor. I want the time to cultivate that career. I’ve been on overload juggling all that’s on my plate right now with 4 jobs – consulting, getting ready to move, grieving, and developing new work. It’s a bit much for the human nervous system at times, and I’m delegating more of my current consulting work to absolutely the right people who are supporting my path as well as my clients.

I’m definitely flowing.

I used to lead a process called Flow Work – finding our flow and staying in it, manifesting what we want and releasing obstacles in our path. This was influenced by Abraham Hicks (“The Law of Attraction”) the movie the Secret, and in the past 2 years the Avatar work. It’s been my recent life work to teach being in the flow, in our own flow, and now it’s time to really practice what I preach!

The key is to feel the flow. I definitely felt it this morning at the bridge, and I am grateful for Jason’s message this morning. I will recall that feeling when I slip out of the flow.

I’m still drifting with Jason’s flower. It has travelled a long way down the creek since I released it this morning. I can’t see it but I can feel it.

I felt it last night when I was driving home at 1:30 AM in the pouring rain and lightning. The fog was so thick along the Ipswich River road that I had to stop because I couldn’t see the road. I was playing Jason’s favorite rock tunes and I reminisced about our adventures in the car through eery dark roads, making up stories about what could happen to us, and laughing the whole way. I turned up the volume, rocked to the music, and laughed with Jason.

As the plane was approaching Boston last night from the west we had a 20-minute constant-bursting lightning storm that was so unreal , I wondered if it was in my imagination. I happened to be listening to Jason’s ambient music (his first CD Drinnel), and the few songs that were playing through the storm were ones in which he brought in sounds that sound like electricity and thunder. No coincidence?

It’s so awesome flowing with you, Jason.

Jason didn’t need to go to college to do what he loved to do; he already did it. The art show at Zumi’s served as a ritual to celebrate this aspect of his life. The ongoing discoveries of his music and poetry brings up emotion not only because he feels so alive in the moment and it reminds me of his absence, but also because it continues to astound me how much he produced in his short lifetime and the fraction of it that he shared. The feedback from artists and musicians that confirm his talents brings up emotion not only because I will miss seeing him continue his career, but also because this is what he wanted in life; to be acknowledged as a gifted artist. He received this acknowledgment when he was alive by many. He sometimes basked in the glow of it and he didn’t always take it in and believe it, but he definitely enjoyed sharing his work with those who appreciated it. Being one of his biggest fans wasn’t enough for him; of course, his mother would love what he did (and I offered professional critique he appreciated)!

The key point is – Jason didn’t need acknowledgment to do his art and music. He was self-driven and created so much that he didn’t need to show it all. He knew how to be in the moment and not look back or worry about the future.

I can still feel that passionate energy he exuded when he completed a work of art of music, when he lived behind his camera lens, capturing the beauty of so much that he left behind for us to enjoy. I miss so much being with his physical presence, yet I am able to feel that presence through the palpable connection with that passionate energy, with his peaceful energy, with that Buddha nature he exuded and continues to exude. I can feel it anytime, getting immersed in his art and music, like being in a StarTrek holodeck.

Seeing him get his diploma isn’t important to him or to me; he received that diploma in a different way. He wasn’t generally interested in the school traditions or rituals. He was interested in following his passion and being in an environment where others followed theirs. His aliveness in his creativity is his diploma.

Jason was a great inspiration to many. His classmates shared this in a high school tribute to him this past week. An anonymous donor set up a college scholarship in his name. Many beautiful letters and internet sharings have echoed this inspiration.

If success can be measured by the inspiration and love felt by others one touches, then Jason was highly successful, and lived a “complete” life. He moved on to his next phase of work. Jason graduated with honors, not the traditional academic-achievement kind. The kind that mattered to him and to all that know him.

It causes me to reflect on how we never feel we do “enough”…..
What’s “enough” in a lifetime?
What do any of us really need to complete before we die?
What would life be like if we celebrated graduation every day?

I vote for celebrating graduation on an ongoing basis. I’m experiencing my transition to a new phase in my life in a mix of emotions – mostly exciting, a bit scary, and often overwhelming. Seems to fit with what most seniors might be feeling, getting ready to leave the nest to start a new life. Jason wishes each of his classmates a great future, and I know he is also wishing that for me.

Pausing to celebrate this as a graduation feels pretty awesome.

Thank you, Jason’s classmates and dear friends for keeping Jason alive in your hearts with your Facebook and other messages to him and to his parents. He is with you always.

Thank you, Class of 2010, for honoring Jason with your senior year T-shirts with “Follow Your Passion- JF” on the back. I know you hold Jason with you as you prepare for graduation. Think of Jason when you are moving forward in life, with all of its gifts and challenges, and know he is cheering you on. Always remember the Jason hug.

Thank you, classmates, friends, and teachers who came to Jason’s ceremony 4 days after he died, and sent cards, emails, and messages. It was an extremely tender time for all of us, and your presence, writings, tears, and sharings helped me tremendously in my own grieving. I was amazed at how uplifted I felt, and many others felt, at the ceremony – a tribute to how I want to remember Jason and feel his love and inspiration throughout my life.

Thank you, Evan Petto and yearbook staff and friends of Jason for writing a beautiful article about Jason soon after school started, during peak grieving time. Thank you also for sharing his poetry and photography with the school in the Tiger Transcript articles.

Thank you, Ipswich High School players, for dedicating the first play of the year, Camelot (a very good one), to Jason and dedicating a chair in the “PAC” (Performing Arts Center) with “In Memory of Jason A Foster; Remembering His Passion for Music, Arts, and Drama.”. Hanging with the tecchies was the biggest area of his social life in high school, and I would love to hear more stories about the fun things you would do together. I heard about Jason playing with a bow and arrow and accidentally shooting it into the high wall above the sound booth. The pierced wall is a memorial to your good times together.

Thank you, team captain Eli Hayward and the lacrosse team for dedicating this season’s games to Jason by wearing JF on your helmets and getting the Ipswich Chronicle to write a wonderful article about this. You recognized that something more was needed to be done by the school to honor your classmate, and you bridged the cultural gap between jocks and artists in this simple act. You made the school the team. Your team cheer “Go Jason” was more moving than I could have imagined; it captured the energy of an entire school grieving for their lost classmate, and honoring his memory in a special way.

Thank you to Zumi’s for hosting Jason’s photography show and to everyone who came out to see Jason’s art hanging in celebration of his art career at this cultural center of Ipswich, and for the wonderful comments. I wanted this to be shown right before graduation, so his classmates could be with Jason in this way. This was Jason’s graduation. I got to be the proud mother, and to sit with other art enthusiasts pointing out what they saw and felt in Jason’s art. Jason was appreciating all the comments, as he always had!

Thank you, Ipswich art department, for choosing Jason’s piece called “Three Benches” (shown attached) for the permanent senior art gallery. The plaque will show Jason’s quote “I see beauty in all things, may it be a landscape or rust on a building.” Thank you, art teachers Brian Carman and Gail Peppe for coming to Jason’s art show and inspiring him and his classmates with your art clubs. Brian, your pinhole photography and New York city tours made great impressions on Jason, and you know how much pinhole experimenting he did after that!

Thank you to the music department and Gerry Dolan for giving Jason the opportunity to learn electronic music at school. Thank you to the music groups that Jason belonged to and was inspired by – Ipswich high school percussion ensemble (with Jeff Teitz and Steve Monroe), The Pine Island Music ensemble (with E.J. Ouelette), and the jazz improv class band. I hear Jason is continuing to inspire the school musicians, and he is pleased about that! I also heard that several classmates wanted to perform Jason’s compositions and found it too hard to do (they were composed electronically, and the rhythms and pace are quite challenging) – please know how touched I was that you even thought of doing this.

Thank you, Ipswich middle school and high school and IMADA (Ipswich Music Arts and Drama Association), for creating the arts-oriented school environment that helped Jason to thrive in his passions for photography and music. We moved here 5 yrs ago to get into the right school system. Even though he did most of his art and music in his home studio, the environment and his classmates inspired him to create so much. We are still finding pieces in his archives, as if he were alive today showing us his latest works!

In gratitude,
Michelle Herrera Foster
Jason Foster’s mom

I allowed myself to submerge into the sadness and self-pity of not having my precious child with me on mother’s day, allowing the grief waves to superimpose to a mega tsunami, releasing more and more. I’m a world-class grief-wave surfer, I think to myself, and of course I’ll ride this one out. Jason holds me through it. He knows now that I have to feel it fully to release it, so he didn’t tell me to lighten up the way he used to.

I watched my mind dig up a ton of salt to throw on the wounds. All the work I did raising him, all the emotional and financial sacrifice, not being able to see him get his music and art out into the world, moving to Ipswich for him and not being embraced by the town during my loss…. and the salt kept stinging. I’m so grateful I could process these thoughts away (thank God for Avatar and dear friends), to leave me with the tenderness of a loving mom who is so grateful to have had Jason as my child in this lifetime. All of those painful thoughts are reflections of what I needed to learn in this lifetime.
Any painful thought is.

I’m in a peaceful place now, on Mother’s Day morning. I’m feeling the Divine Feminine energy, the energy I get in touch with every mother’s day. To me, mother’s day is a connection with the Great Mother who takes care of us all. We pass that on to others, as parents, as friends, as caregivers, as nurturing men and women. I am reminded of our incredible connection with Mother Earth.

Two days ago I sent an email out to several friends asking them to think of me and send me happy mother’s day wishes, as I guessed it would be a challenging time for me. Many people feel awkward about death, especially that of a child, and I wanted to clarify that I am still a mother, and would like to receive mother’s day wishes. I’m so glad I asked for what I want and need, because I received some precious gifts. I received beautiful messages from friends, and a few unexpected presents from Jason.

I received a new song from Jason. Chuck found it yesterday on the computer he inherited from Jason; we didn’t notice it when we backed it up. It may have been one of his last compositions, probably a work in progress (1 ½ minutes long) called Silent Deconstruction. It was so special to receive this, with his beautiful voice singing to his unique style of music composition, use of sound, and creative lyrics.

Jason’s mother’s day cards from several years ago resurfaced yesterday as I was cleaning out my files:

One card was from his Pokemon days (probably 8 yrs old) where he wrote “I love you so much!!! Happy Mother’s Day… Your son, Jason” and drew original animated characters called Spikler, Chenakirlie, Skratchy, Dion, and Curly Fred.

Another card was from when he was about 13, where he enclosed one of his first digitally enhanced photographs:
“Thankies for birthenerationaptizing me!!! You also birthenerationaptized the objectos and substances I needed for avoiding nonexistence. I love you too much to be a plastic cup or a flower with unnatural suicidal tendancies!
P.S. your head just blew up “
The envelope had his Spanish random humor: “Para mi madre, de su higo Jacisin. Su unas coches grandes males verdes esta en mis ojo. (Yay, bad grammar momento!)”

He continues to give me the present of laughter. I learned to laugh from him more than from any other teacher.

I received another mother’s day present that needs to be shared, by permission from the author Kerry Zagarella of Ipswich. Not only is Kerry a gifted writer, but her son Gus and Jason grew up together and inspired each other with their creative talents (Gus’s play just got performed at the high school). We had each others’ sons over our homes continuously for years in countless sleepovers. We have several home movies of Gus, Dustin, Katie, and others that will keep me entertained for years. It was very special to have Gus there spreading the ashes with us in Gloucester, swimming through the floating rose petals with us as we connected with Jason’s spirit together. Gus and Jason have a special bond. I used to take them to Carl’s mystical movie night, and they impressed all of us with their comments about the movies. They thought the mystical movies were really awesome. I could write so much about Jason and his friends. Jason spent a lot of time at Gus’s and Kerry’s home. We had a sweet time reflecting on the memories as mothers of these precious children yesterday.

Kerry’s poem was delivered to me with the words “for Michelle with much love and admiration, peace, kerry”. She explained how she used imagery from several of Jason’s photographs.

Mother Eternal

Mother Eternal
for Michelle with much love and admiration
~peace, kerry

You are mother eternal
Recognize your son’s soul in the far off mist lifting over the marsh
to become once again, present, filling puddles with song
tangled damp beach hair pony tail gone to the touch
creates celestial soundtrack on roof tops
It nourishes roots, grows trees tall
keeps us alive
together

He is in the calmness of Fire, a sky lit up hosting a bird made of water
You have taught us mother eternal
to accept the invitation to an underwater forest where two benches welcome his story and ours
being all part of the same story
He is in the flow of the river, the ebb of the tide

And like the ripple hidden beneath a bouncing raindrop
there is no beginning or end

there are only moments
when a mother eternal speaks
and the universe is revealed

-Kerry Zagarella, Ipswich, MA

It’s so interesting to me that reflecting on this at this time does not bring up intense sadness. I’m feeling inspired. I’m inspired by the memory of Jason. I’m inspired by what we can create in our lives. Life is a continual gestation.

I’m preparing for a birthing of new-ness in my life. This time I don’t have to worry if it’s a boy or a girl, or what name I should choose. I’m taking care of myself and putting my attention on what I want to create in my life, not on what I’ve lost. That’s powerful.

I’m finding I’m not sleeping well lately, similar to the way I didn’t sleep those last few weeks of physical pregnancy. I wake up in the middle of the night buzzing. I’ve processed out most of the anxiety and overwhelm of upcoming changes in my life, thinking of the 100s of things I have to do to get ready for my new clients, upcoming travel, explorations, renting out our home, whittling down our stuff, making my office mobile, etc. I’m noticing now that the energy that’s left is something that is working on me at deeper levels. When my dear healer friend Marie-Anne experiences this kind of energy, she calls it “uploads”. Something is coming in, some new energy, getting me ready for deeper work on this earth plane. Jason’s there, on the other side, helping me with my gestation and midwifery.

I’m a spiritual counselor. That’s my new mantra. That’s an identity that I’m starting to fully embody.

This baby is not separate from me, but I’ll be caring for her as if she were a tender newborn, recognizing her wise soul, allowing the unfoldment. I learned the first time around with Jason not to take the parental role so seriously, not to feel like I have to control everything, not to figure out everything with my mind. Nursing is a meditation; it is grounding and nurturing to the mother as well as the baby. We’ll learn naturally how to crawl together, to walk together, to play together, to just be together.

What should I do to prepare? I’m feeling into it. I’m embracing the role of spiritual counselor. I’m making this role a priority, just like I made mothering a priority when Jason needed me most. I’ve been so busy trying to make everything work, to whittle down my list of to-dos, and I wasn’t paying attention to my priority. Everything else falls into place when I embody who I truly am.

I have been asking for ease, and I’m getting it with the simple act of trusting. I trust that Jason’s passing is teaching me so much that is also beneficial to others. I’m still grieving and healing, and with time I will be taking a more and more active role to bring this healing out into the world. I’m sharing it with my friends and family, with strangers that become dear friends in minutes, with work associates who are seeking more meaning in their lives.

I’m a spiritual counselor, a transition guide, a freedom guide. I’m getting clear about the energy and the role, and the naming of it isn’t as important to me.

I’m enjoying the birthing of new energy, as overwhelming as it feels at times. At least this time I haven’t gained 40 pounds!

Happy Mother’s day to me.

Here’s Jason’s last mother’s day card:
You are such an awesome mom that even in my teenage years I still love you and talk to you. I even like spending time with you! But really, I do. And I’m glad I can be a son you look after and feed as well as a friend. It’s great sharing a house with you and it always makes me happy.
Te amo mucho y yo me espero que tu vas a vivir hasta tu mueres. (Translated: I love you very much and I hope that you will live until you die.)
La ensalada blanca no puede caminar mientras tu duermes (Translated: The white salad can’t walk while you sleep.)
Cuando los dientes estan negros, tienes que cepillarlos. (Translated: While the teeth are black, you have to brush them.)
Es porque los peces viven en las piernas. (Translated: That’s why the fish live in the legs.)
El piel de los gatos se respira quando tu hablas. (Translated: The fur of the cats breathe when you speak.)
Como siempre, te encanto. (Translated: As always, charmed.)
Love, Juan

Note: Jason had his relatives in Argentina in stitches with his Spanish

I received that message from him clearly a few times this past week. It has helped me resurface easily from moments of deep pain, missing his physical presence, missing the adorable 17-year old that I used to share a house with and a life with, that used to help me relax, inspire me, and make me laugh.

He was right here with me when I was listening to his music the other day, after cutting two new CDs with 2 hours worth of songs he wrote that most people haven’t heard yet. We discovered many of them after he died, and now he is showing them to us with the familiar excitement he shared with so many showings of his photography and music.

He is right here showing off his photographs at his art show in Zumi’s coffee shop and cultural center in Ipswich. I cried at first when it was all up on the wall, a symbol of who he wanted to be in this world. I wished he were there. He lived for his art and music. Now he lives in his art and music. He is right here, showing his art to the world. He sees people coming in to Zumi’s, drawn to the photos, amazed that someone that young could have that advanced an eye, captivated by the colors, unique perspectives, and dream-like images. I get to sit and watch this happening, with a caramel cloud latte. I’m the proud mom and biggest fan. And the best part is I get to be with him in his excitement, celebrating what he lived for.

Jason has told me many times he is right here with me, and I’ve needed reminders. He told me to let go of my child a month ago (see Letting Go of the Future). I got the clear message this past week to let go of more than the child – to let go of any idea of his form, and to trust he is here.

I did a shamanic drumming journey in Essex last Sunday. We were instructed to find our spirit guide in the upper world and ask him/her about any impediments to my growth. It was the first time I had done a journey since Jason died, and I expected that I would see him. Jason has always been my teacher, since he was a baby. I shot up to the sky, my hair and gown flowing back in the breeze, and felt Jason’s hands holding mine as we soared up to a beautiful place. It was a scene he would have chosen in life – the Arizona desert, with Saguaro cacti and beautiful turquoise blue waterfalls.

As we floated, Jason looked into my eyes with that peaceful, strong, confident presence that had always reflected his wise soul. He told me firmly and lovingly to stop remembering him as the 17 year old boy and young adult. He no longer has that form, that sweet, tall, lean, pony-tailed artist. He is formless and limitless. Thinking of him in the old paradigm is impeding my growth. He wants me to be open to being with him in any form, and in the formless. That’s how I will know he is always right here. That’s how I will stay more connected to him and to the other side, where there is so much for me to learn and take back to others. This is my path of service. It always has been, and now I have a more direct channel, by staying connected with Jason.

I’m assisting others to connect with the other side, to trust that there is so much more than the physical world, and to know how much we can benefit by that knowing. We aren’t afraid of death, and therefore we can be more fully alive. We trust in the unknown, and have less expectations about how things need to be. We know how to surrender to what is, appreciating the beauty of all we have, attracting more beauty.

It has been wonderful connecting with Jason in so many ways. I enjoyed being in the Arizona desert with him again. This time we got to play by soaring together and jumping from cactus to cactus. “See, mom, we get to enjoy this even better now, without getting pricklies in us!”

The change in season has brought up some renewed grieving for me. April spring break reminds me of the awesome vacations Jason and I would take together to the southwest, getting up early with the excitement of flying in a plane together. He wore his camera like a necklace, and time did not exist to him. It still meant something to me, as I waited patiently on the trail for him to catch up as he captured magical moments on his camera. As I waited, I got the lesson to be in the moment. I’m getting that lesson again as I write this.

Graduation is coming soon, and although it is very sad, I feel Jason will be there in spirit to celebrate with his friends, and in the art show we are doing for him at the local coffee place, Zumi’s. I’m remembering how excited Jason would be when the warm climate came this time of year; he came alive again, wanting to be outdoors, taking long walks with his camera and his friends, enjoying the newness of life. I’m remembering how it felt as a student every spring, feeling the renewal and juiciness of life. I’m remembering how special it was to enjoy this with him last spring and into July, after a challenging winter of illness and make-up homework. I’m feeling the joy he had with his Art of Living course in Canada, his two trips to California with me, Kule, and family, and his excitement to join his friends on the south shore to do hang out and do a rock concert together. I’m feeling that joy right now as I write.

Birth isn’t easy, so I can’t expect rebirth to be, either. I was in labor for 48 hours with Jason; he was in no rush to leave the warm nurturing womb. I pushed for 4 ½ hrs, grabbing a snooze between contractions. It never occurred to me that Jason could be in any danger; the passage was long and painful but very peaceful. I remember how much I let go and just let it happen. I’m feeling that now with my rebirth.

It’s beautiful. It’s painful. It’s inspiring. It’s what it is. I’m allowing myself to flower with all of the other spring buds.

Last year, before Jason passed away, I was preparing for my next steps when he was to take his next steps (college, travel, or exploration). I asked myself “What would I be doing or planning right now if I didn’t have Jason in my life?” I immediately felt a lot of confusion, fear, and grief in response to hearing this question. I didn’t know what I wanted to do; I’m still not clear, now that the opportunity is here. I’m not only grieving not having Jason, but not having had the opportunity to do lots of things in my life, and I’m afraid I won’t get to do them. I’m realizing as I write this how much I want to let go of any attachment, and just be with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing…..anytime.

I’m also feeling the gratitude of all I have done in my life, and all the gifts I have received from so many. I’m taking this opportunity to thank all of those wonderful souls that found me in this lifetime to learn together, to experience together, to celebrate together. I cherish every opportunity to connect deeply with other souls. I also cherish the times, such as lately, that I need time to myself. It’s all good.

I experienced a facilitated rebirthing process recently. It felt so familiar, and I recognized that I have been in it since Jason died. I have been reflecting on my own life, on the “clean up” of material things and of unfinished business, looking at what is really important, and letting my heart guide me more and more. It really is about letting go, and it is freeing.

I am reminded of how blessed I have been to feel Jason with me since he died. Death can be so lonely, if we believe there is a complete loss. I have received the gift of hearing his messages, of now understanding how I can connect with others when I die. I haven’t been afraid of death for some time, and this confirms why. Imagine how much peace there would be in the world if we did not fear death, and if we were in a constant state of rebirth and refreshed perspective on what we receive and give on this earth plane and beyond.

I am here to assist others to connect with the soul of others before and after they or their loved ones depart, so they know that the connection will not be lost. In fact, I believe we gain a connection to the beyond through our departed, when we stay connected in the love we feel for them. It’s overwhelming, and I believe that practicing this before death eases the transition.

I recently received the gift of inspiring a woman to help her sister prepare for her imminent death from cancer. She got in touch with her grief that her sister didn’t have a good life, and how important it was to be in the moment and inspire her sister to enjoy her final moments on earth by sharing beautiful memories together. I’m being called to be available to assist others in this way, and that is assisting my own rebirth.

We are one. There is no separation, in life and after death. The cycle of life is a mobius strip, a continuous loop where we don’t know if we are dying or being born. It’s meant to be felt and accepted, and not figured out with our minds.

Happy rebirthday!
Love,
Michelle

Jason and I had a 5-year plan in Ipswich:
He was going to spread his adult wings and fly to his future. He’s done that, and I believe I’ve accepted his path.

I was going to take off to a new destination outside New England. I didn’t know where I’d end up, but I looked forward to having Jason visit me wherever I was. Wow. That hit me hard.

Two days ago, I was doing a process with my Avatar group around manifesting my ideal living situation, asking to be presented with any limiting thoughts or feelings. I felt the sadness, and the source got revealed to me…….“No living situation is ideal for me if Jason can’t visit me.” Continuing the process, I felt that shift to a feeling of gratitude for Jason being an inspiration to me, wanting me to be happy and follow my passion. If it weren’t for him and Kule, I wouldn’t be hitting the road exploring new places to live. Jason and Kule have been my favorite travel partners of all time, desiring exploration and adventure, allowing me to feel free, in the moment, and able to make any place my home. Jason continues to travel with me and be in my home; I know that will always be true. I also have the perfect earth-bound partner with whom to spread my wings and fly.

Yesterday I was in the water, playing with dolphins in my Watsu session with Bobbie Courtney. Not surprisingly, Jason came out to play, holding my hands in the water. He was pure light. He told me he wants to be happy, and I definitely felt that.

Jason also told me directly to let go of my child. Every parent needs to do this, and it causes us parents suffering when we don’t let go. He reminded me very clearly that he is where he wants to be, where his soul is doing his work. I thanked him for this message, and noticed he had taken off to play with others. I felt his presence letting me know that yes, he is playing, but it is very different than how I remember it. He is playing with ageless souls. He saw everyone by their soul age when he was alive. I was humbled by this, and in awe. I continued to play with my own childlike energy and to feel the beautiful mystical space that is probably closest to the experience Jason has, swimming in the universe of souls, including my own.

In that meeting with Jason I understood better why people suffer more with the loss of a child than any other loss. We bring our children into the world and we want them to be safe, happy, and successful. When they die, we think we didn’t protect them, or we didn’t do enough to help them be happy, or we didn’t see them achieve some or all of our expectations. Those attachments create suffering. Jason has helped me to release attachments. I’m cutting the chord, for the second time since his birth.

I’ve been missing Jason tremendously. And now I see that I have been missing certain identities of him, ones that he no longer resonates with. He’s moved on, and I’m on my way. Sometimes it’s baby steps, and sometimes it’s leaps.

I’ve been over-focused on the future lately, planning our move. It’s not surprising this grief came up about missing Jason in the future. I’m getting how grief is cleansing. I’m now feeling less worried about the future and more able to let go of what it will look like. We are moving, and we don’t know where we will end up. That’s a metaphor for life. I’m excited, overwhelmed, sad, scared, grateful, and at peace all at the same time. I’m learning to watch what comes in and moves on. When I allow myself to fully experience it, I can release it.

I’m really good at managing projects, and I’m not always good at un-managing them.

Trusting that all will work out is all that is needed. Change happens. Death happens. Things don’t happen the way we plan, but it’s important to move toward something that we are guided to do. It feels I will be moving by July 1, and I trust we continually find the ideal living situation, including the ideal tenants.

I’m letting go of the future. There is a movie Back to the Future – my movie is Back to the Present!

I’m getting ready to pass my home to another. Our first interested buyer, a friend of a friend, reminded me of me five years ago, a single mom looking for the best home and arts-oriented school for her teens. Everything was in such an easy flow; I hadn’t even listed with a realtor. When she decided she wasn’t ready to buy, I was surprised to discover I felt relieved. I’m not ready to sell my home. I bought it for Jason. Now the house is being passed on to me and Kule, and we will enjoy it for a short time longer, until it is the right time. It is a house of healing, and it wants to take care of me a bit longer. We we sat on the deck this morning, I meditated on the glistening cobwebs fluttering in the breeze catching rainbows. Jason was so there; he wouldn’t miss that photo op.

We’ll be on the road in a couple of months, passing through many places of many homes and communities around the country and Costa Rica. We’ll explore and tune in, and will discover the right home for us at the right time.

I’m passing through memories of my entire life, as I sort and clean out my physical belongings. I’m reflecting on the five years I was here, and I went through some intense grieving about Jason leaving before our 5-year plan to be here was complete. Jason gave me a clear message recently to let go of material possessions, including his remaining ashes. Hours after I received that message I opened a gift I received in the mail from Erin’s mother, some glass pendants blown with Jason’s ashes that her dear friend made. These are the ashes to keep, beautiful pieces of art that Jason would appreciate. I will do a ritual before the one-year anniversary of his death, to spread the remaining ashes and release attachments to the material.

I’m passing into another phase of my female life, no longer passing menses. The last time was 2 months after Jason passed. My blood blended with his, and helped to wash the grief away. There is no coincidence.

I’m appreciating Jason’s passages in life, flourishing as an artist and transitioning to adulthood, being super creative in every phase of his life. We’re celebrating his artistry in an show of his photography starting April 26 at Zumi’s, the local cultural/coffee center in Ipswich. I asked to have the show before graduation. His classmates can celebrate their passage with Jason’s spirit. We will also have a couple of pieces of his art available for silent auction to benefit the Ipswich arts program at the Art for Arts show next weekend. I have not yet heard if the high school will pay tribute to Jason’s art and music; there was talk of it last fall, I am letting go of attachment to this, after processing some pain in my perception that the school had not done enough. Individuals and organizations have their limitations when it comes to dealing with death and loss. There have been several special tributes to Jason – the senior year T-shirts, the dedication of the first play of the school year, the lacrosse team’s wearing of his initials on their helmets, and some beautiful articles in the school paper. I pray the students get what they need to support their grieving process, as I have. Jason’s art and music has been and will be celebrated in so many ways.

Death is a passage. It is also a transformation, to transform body into light and pain into beauty.

I’m just passing through…..being right here, wherever I am, in every moment, in gratitude.

When Jason and I moved to Ipswich we had a 5-year plan to move to where we both wanted to be, independently, when Jason graduated from high school. I’m right on target with my decision to move now, and it feels so freeing. My partner Kule and I are ready to explore our individual and collective purposes together.

Jason’s main purpose in life was to follow his passion and creativity, and he continuously inspires me to do this. I know I inspired him, and it’s coming right back at me. He is cheering me on to move from Ipswich to wherever my spirit flies. His spirit is flying free, and so is mine. I just happen to have a physical body, which could be considered a minor detail.

Whittling down my possessions in anticipation of a sale and a move in the near future stirred up some energy, creating some big grief waves. I’m surfing the waves again, feeling the sadness and the adventure at the same time. I’m waterskiing in the peaceful wake, plunging into the wet tears, and jumping the wild waves. I look at Jason’s photo on the wall and he smiles. Actually he lightens up and has an expression similar to the one we shared when we parasailed 1500 ft above Lake Tahoe a week before his body left this earth.

Awesome!!!!!!

So many people wonder what their purpose is, and often feel bad about themselves if they don’t have a purpose in life. I’m feeling called to assist anyone who thinks this way, and help them to feel into it. What excites them? If we follow that feeling of excitement, freedom, passion, and love, I believe we can’t go wrong. That’s my path.

I don’t know where I will end up. We’ll check out North Carolina, California, and Costa Rica again for starters, and feel our way across the country, visiting dear friends and family along the way. We’ll explore spiritual sustainable places to live and perhaps to build a home. We’ll teach building community, manifesting, Avatar, sound healing, and presence. We’ll serve the world however we can, the way it feeds us as well. We’ll connect with the earth, seeing new forms of beauty we may not have experienced. Jason will be there with me, 50 yards behind me on each path, taking photos in his usual slow and careful style, wanting to get the best shot with the best energy. I couldn’t rush him through that process, and now he is inspiring me to slow down and be with my process. Just be.

It’s hard to describe the feeling of being simultaneously the most excited I’ve been in my life while experiencing the greatest pain of loss I’ve ever experienced in my life. All I know with my heart is that letting go is important, and accepting what is is all that is.

When I leave the house I won’t leave memories behind; they are coming with me wherever I go. Jason and I loved to travel together, and we will always travel together. I know what it feels like to be with him when he was enjoying the landscapes of the southwest, the open vistas, the waterfalls, the wildflowers, the wild desert, and the most mundane subject that was so unique in itself. Jason saw beauty in everything.

My purpose is to be myself. To be. Jason seconds that.

And I also experience moments of intense aliveness, grateful for what I have received from Jason. It used to be amazing to me after Jason died how I could feel deep sadness and the next moment be happy. It no longer is amazing to me; it is my current experience of life and it is beautiful.

When the wave of pain comes, I allow myself to fall into it, so deep it feels I won’t come out, and then I do. Easily. I’m realizing it is a meditation practice. Instead of wishing the pain to go away, I stay with it and become it. I become one with universal pain, and I find myself opening up more and more to compassion and to oneness. This opens me up to even more beauty, the kind I’m guessing Jason experienced on a regular basis; he was tuned into it and captured it on his camera and in music. I was so fortunate to be one of the first witnesses of his compositions, bounding downstairs to his studio to see his latest creation.

The pain is a clear reminder of the love and beauty Jason and I shared in this lifetime. Right now I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and I know it will ease with time. I would love to have Jason back in my life and I know that that isn’t and has never been an option. This is the path he chose, and he is the son I chose. It’s what is. My work now is to be with what is, and to be with it in a bigger way – the pain, the beauty, the bliss, the peace. Jason is holding me with his peaceful loving eyes that say there is nothing to worry about. I must admit that my pain sessions don’t last too long when the Jason feeling comes in, and I slip into another state of feeling I am on the right track, following my passion as he did in his life.

I am noticing an aspect of the pain that triggers episodes of grief, and I am watching it. It feels like resistance. There’s a part of me that isn’t ready to move on; I want my life the way it was when Jason was alive, when I could hold him and share my life with him. It’s a part that is getting smaller and smaller because I know that no matter how I “move on” I will always be “moved in” and I will always be holding Jason’s energy with me. Any resistance is keeping me from following my dreams, which Jason is always reminding me to do.

I also notice another aspect of the pain that triggers grief. I want to see Jason’s art and music get out more into the world. In my international Avatar course in January I received wonderful feedback from professional artists about his work, with suggestions to do art shows and offers to set me up with people who could help me in Amsterdam and California. It is overwhelming emotionally and logistically. I believe I don’t have the time to do this, and I will be working on shifting that belief. If it is meant to get out there, it will, and Jason will have a hand in it with the support of his parents, his greatest fans.

I also feel some intensity of doing the work in the world I am being guided to do. I help my clients do their work, and I am passionate about helping them do it more efficiently. I also want to help them see how limitations could be dropped to create what they really want. I help my friends move through grief and transitions, and I know I can use this gift in service to the world. Do I need to do this, or is it just a natural role? Am I attached to it? Does that add to any pain? Not totally clear, but I am following my heart, trusting it will get clear. My goal is to be in a place of pure beingness, without attachment, and with a pure sense of service.

I’m also feeling the transition of letting go of material things in my home in preparation for a physical move. I received easy (“duh, of course, mom”) permission from Jason to work with his father Chuck to whittle down his things. For now his studio is a memorial, with his photography and pictures of him, along with his computer files of his art and music. His chair has the senior T-shirt “Follow Your Passion – JF” on it. It feels nice to hang out there, and the feeling will always be with me, no matter where I live.

I meditate on the memories, on the energy, on the beauty of it all. Sometimes that feels like pain but mostly it is incredible aliveness and gratitude. I never would have chosen a path of meditation on pain; it chose me and it is showing me how I can be even more alive after a death.

Returning to Jason’s studio, I was amazed at how light I felt and how I didn’t feel like crying. That was one moment. In another moment the flood of tears came, and Jason wasn’t here to wet-vac the puddles like he did the first spring in our new home in Ipswich in the big flood of 2006. I hugged his chair, the one he sat in for hours at a time, creating so much in so little time in the context of one person’s life. As I let the water fall, I felt Jason reminding me to lighten up. I explained to him that this was a process of letting go, that every time I get into the big grief wave it washes out more and more of the attachment.

I watch myself holding on. I watch myself letting go, big pieces at a time. Like the truck-size glowing boulders that shoot out from Volcan Arenal.

I looked up at his Facebook photos collaged on his studio wall. He looks at me seriously, the way he focused on his photography shoots. He looks at me sweetly, that angelic face that everyone loved. He looks at me with that face that could make anyone laugh hysterically, and he tells me that I am right on track and there is absolutely frigging nothing to worry about.

I cry again with the power of what I feel. Jason was powerful in life, and he unleashed magnitudes more of it when he passed. The guy was amazing, and he is showing me how I can be, too. He passed this incredible energy on to me, and I’m not supposed to hold on to him or any of it. I’m supposed to pass it on to all I do, to all I contact. It’s about serving the world, not about him or me or anyone in particular. And yet we all benefit.

Oh, yes, how we benefit when we tune in to that energy of letting go.

So now I’ve Moved In (see Message 35) and it’s time to Move Out. To move out into the world of possibilities, to let go of worldly possessions and old beliefs, and to fully live what I teach. I’m not wasting time, because time doesn’t exist. Life is short and yet it is infinite. The current moment is all there is.

It’s time. It feels right to move from this home in Ipswich. Jason and I bought this home together with the intention of selling it in 5 years (this August) when he graduated from high school. He is encouraging me big time to follow my dream, to live where I want to live, not where I feel I need to live for him or for anyone else. For me and for my work in the world.

Jason and I shared a powerful fun parasailing adventure the week before he passed, 1500 ft above Lake Tahoe. We shared in the exhilaration, and I felt that again with him this morning sitting in his studio being with his energy. I’m not letting go of him, I’m soaring with him.

I’m giving out what I got from Jason. I’m inspiring others with this energy of letting go and flowing into new energy. I’m guessing it will flow into the waters of Costa Rica. The possibility of buying land there is great, and the time will be perfect however it happens.

It’s time to really soar. Zip-lining through the jungle of life…..

P.S. It is so amazing how we can transform intense emotion into freedom!

To be one with the earth, one spirit. To take care of our environment. To sustain ourselves with the food of the gods farmed by us gods. To live together in loving community. To be responsible for what reality we create.

My grieving journey is about moving into sustainability. I am finding the lifestyle I want, that Jason would have loved. Here in this small farming town landlocked by the Monteverde rain forest and the Ninos wildlife preserve, the Arenal Volcano park, and Lake Arenal, the magic is endless. The few gringos here are pioneers, and I resonate with that identity.

I am a pioneer. I never imagined the journey I am on now, and I am riding it like a Tico cowgirl, resting on this peaceful porch after a long day on the farm, watching the comical birds twirling upside down on the branches of the sky-bound trees.

I am a writer. That’s another identity. I am a mother. I am part of this ecosystem. I am creating.

I am.

We could retire here. All I need to do is remove any limiting beliefs and trust in the flow that is pulling us magically to this place.

We had a great conversation about this with our villa-neighbor Charlie during his spontaneous visit. It was perfect timing, right after our meditation and tuning into Jason’s powerful energy in the bird-nesting trees. We had planned on taking a walk to Charlie’s, and he appeared at that moment when I had tears in my eyes from connecting with Jason’s message to follow my passion and move here. Charlie shared his passion to have a personal growth center at his farm, and we looked at his land again and felt much closer to seeing this as a home. We have a similar vision, and we could grow the community we want together.

And – oh yes, the magic mushrooms. They sprang up overnight in soil moistened from the rain. The villa’s Tico caretakers Odalie and Doro never saw them there before. Where did they come from? They seemed to appear on the very path we took when we walked across the lawn on our arrival yesterday. We must have tracked spores from our shoes from our walk at Rancho Margot!

Right before we discovered the mushrooms, I had been reflecting on our trip to Rancho Margot and how much we want to live in sustainable community; perhaps we could buy a home there. We are not yet drawn to living at the ranch, but certainly being involved with the community if we live in Castillo. They are doing the world a great service educating us on how to live sustainably.

I got down to the level of the magic mushrooms and asked them what they need to tell me. I heard “you can create what you want anywhere you choose.”

We will sit with our dreams and visions in ice-bound Ipswich and watch the mind. What would we be getting ourselves into? Are we crazy to leave our dear friends and family? And what about the rainy season? Will we regret our decision?

I trust we will process these thoughts. We will compost them like the farmers manage their compost. Transform them into fertilizer and energy for our visions.

I hear Jason telling me I worry too much. I feel him smile when I tell him how much I like Costa Rica and how I could see myself living there and retiring early.

That’s so cool, Mom.

The winds are healing and blow away doubts and fears. The volcano erupts and releases glowing boulders of ancient patterns. The lake soothes and cools. This is a world of possibilities, like any other world except with lush vegetation, mystical jungle, and artistic birds. Things grow fast here; the locals use machetes to keep it down. Or you can sit and watch it grow.

People create here, amazing things. We can do this anywhere; this place is a great metaphor.

After I wrote the above, I had two conversations that were no coincidences. This funky hostel (Gringo Pete’s) in Fortuna Costa Rica is a crossroads for people around the world who were meant to meet.

I supported Anna’s process to overcome the belief that healthy intimate relationships are not possible; she knows she needs to get past this to create the work she wants here in Costa Rica – to lead wilderness groups in spiritual earth connection.

Supporting Joseph in his current grieving journey inspired me see that our connection with spirit has different aspects. When we lose someone (he is going through a painful break-up) we lose the connection with the person at the personality level. However, the spiritual connection is always there. This is part of us. We carry this with us in our journey, and use it to create and attract what we want – the right relationship, for example.

I showed Joseph Jason’s photography; he was very impressed and passed on yet another message from the universe to sell Jason’s art; he will show his German friends. I experience what it feels like to share him with others; he is still alive through his art. I don’t cry; I smile and I am the proud mother.

Our souls find each other to learn what we are meant to learn in each moment.

Elizabeth is an independent elderly woman who flows with travel and asks what she needs to in order to catch the right bus. She moved here a few years ago, near San Jose. I watch myself being in awe of the ease some people have with travel. There are even more levels of freedom I can achieve.

We are in the wild frontier and yet there is so much development already. Many travelling here encourage us to visit Nicaragua and to invest in land there, as it is headed in the same direction as Costa Rica. Gringo Pete says they are more gringo-friendly, and I hear they are lovely people.

We met Juan Tortuga, a sweet local spiritual American working on some farms who introduced us to his friend and boss Charlie, a businessman-turned-cowboy who is into personal empowerment and connecting with the elements. Charlie showed us his land and some lots he is selling that border the Monteverde jungle, the land that was gifted by children who raised money to preserve the wildlife, a story that brings tears to our eyes. The land is magnificent, with a view of the lake, the volcano, and the jungle. Why was I not drawn to buying this land? Am I afraid or am I still in some transition shock? Am I following my intuition? It doesn’t feel like home right now, but it is truly magical. We will stay in touch with Charlie and Juan and the couple (Nan and Z) that own the Firefly café; we started to get to know the cool community here.

The energy here is powerful; the lava-spewing volcano reminds us of our power and our transience, and how everything changes and how beautiful that all is. The ashes remind me of Jason’s ashes at this 6-month anniversary. He would have loved photographing this extra-terrestrial place of extremes.

It’s nice to just be, and not be looking for what to do next. Another metaphor for life, for my grieving journey, to learn more deeply what Jason taught me in this lifetime. Why spend a day driving on bad roads to Monteverde? We are on the border of the jungle here, the weather is great, the food is great, the being is great.

Vamos a relajar – I think that’s how you spell Let’s relax. We will stay in Castillo another couple of days, walk to the waterfall, zip-line through the jungle, get massage from the sweet Tico woman at the Sepenthe, sit in the pool and bask in the volcano energy.

And I’ll enjoy this wild frontier of El Castillo, and the 15 km long dirt road with potholes that give you motion sickness if you go too slow.

The trick is to fly fast through the potholes, just sail over them in the 4WD, and not to worry or even notice that they are there. To sit back in the harness and fly through the jungle with no worries and all awe.

Yee-hah! It’s that Tico cowgirl in me.

What is still? Who is still? Who watches?

The pelican necklace soars overhead. A Tico boy on bicycle screams through the beach at low tide. The waves lick the shore and get closer, then farther, then closer, as the sun moves in its journey through the sky until it plunges into the ocean. The fisherman’s boat trolls by, in the pace of this sleepy country. The island beach comes and goes, as do the cliff shadows. Am I asleep or awake? Dreaming or imagining? What is real?

Perhaps the sun has toasted my brain a bit too brown.

I might as well be in my home in Ipswich, looking out on the snow-laiden earth watched over by our guardian evergreens and circling turkey buzzards. We search the world. What are we searching for? What will we be watching when we get there? Where are we going, and are we really going anywhere?

Watching the world go by, inside and out.

This is the first vacation since adulthood that I am not thinking about time, about needing to get anywhere. I watch what comes up – the hunger, the fatigue, the need for coolness and water, the grief, the relaxing breeze, the occasional conversation with others that are sharing our temporary home.

I am outside any routine. I don’t even schedule my morning breathing meditation (kriya). I meditate with eyes open. Our beachhouse host and artist at Cabinas Kunterbunt (Tommy, from Germany) looks, acts, and feels like a meditator but doesn’t call himself one – he never learned, it just happens here in this little place of paradise. We make dear friends with our breakfast host, Dolores, and spend timeless time speaking of consciousness. She is grateful to be attracting us into her world here, as we are also grateful for what we attract.

Yesterday I was concerned my mind would get too active – should we stay here longer? Should we go to other destinations in Costa Rica? What will we miss if we go? What will we miss if we stay? Do we ever miss anything when our world is already here?

With my mind in neutral gear, we flow into a decision about our week. We didn’t decide, we watched the decision come.

I’m getting the knack of this watching thing. I’m also getting a bit closer to understanding how Jason’s mind worked. It didn’t need to work. It flowed. It resisted when the flow was challenged, that’s for sure! I’m appreciating that even more now, knowing what he passed on to me in his passing.

Jason passed on to me a way of being in the world that feels new to me, that makes me feel that I have been the child all along.

He knew how to watch the world. He stopped at every tiny flower to marvel at its uniqueness and beauty. He didn’t understand time. I’m getting that time doesn’t exist, so why waste energy worrying about it?

Being in our flow creates more energy. We aren’t wasting energy resisting.

I’ve taught about going with your flow, “moving into your groove”, and manifesting for years. I continue to learn by unlearning, by watching the old stuff that gets in the way, the old patterns, the indoctrinations from childhood and society.

I’ve met some fascinating Americans and Europeans here in Costa Rica. They are great manifesters. They don’t doubt, they just follow their vision. Many are here because they believe the U.S. and other western countries have become too materialistic and complex, too far from simple roots to the earth and spirit. Is this paranoia or wisdom? Is it thinking negatively or is it following their own path? I believe it is wise to follow your intuition about what is right for you, for anyone.

I was inspired meeting the developers of Finca Las Brisas, seeing how they are building off the grid, back to the earth, with no need for heat or A/C, and plenty of water to go around year round. I’m not being led to buying land there, but it is a great model. I will spread the word and support their vision to attract the right people and to let others know about this model.

Meanwhile I will continue to watch, to be the observer of my experiences, thoughts and feelings. To watch them in appreciation of the rich diversity, of all the gifts. To follow my intuition and passion.

I will always be here sitting in the Costa Rican treehouse overlooking the shiny sea. I’m sitting here watching Jason taking photos, observing his excitement of all that is unique.

Watching my world, inside and out.

That’s what the locals tell us. Then you know how deep the water is, so the car doesn’t go where it will later regret. Bridges are too costly to maintain in Costa Rica, and they would get washed away in the wet season. Bridges are not sustainable. Flowing with nature is.

The Ticos (Cost Ricans) are very connected to nature, their life is about going with the flow. I’m tuning into that energy here, and I still stand out like a sore thumb American. We have been so acculturated to be “on guard”, having to “do” vs “be”, to watch the clock and worry about all sort of things. Do we believe that if we worry it won’t happen? An interesting belief….

I worried about Jason; I didn’t want him to suffer. I now see all that energy was wasted. He didn’t suffer, that’s true, he died instantly. I suffered much less than I could ever have imagined; I am so grateful for my processing tools and trust in Source. Of course, I never imagined my son would die before me – what parent would want to imagine that?

Jason always told me not to worry – he would have made a good Tico. I see his photographs everywhere – from the peaceful beige Brahman cows to the animated tree life to the scraggly wood and coral treasures to the comical hermit crabs showing off their shell garments to the windy worm-like patterns in the sand that are messages to us from another world.

Cool.

That’s the dialogue I would have with Jason about this type of experience. What else is there to say? It is what it is, and it feels magical.

I’m finding myself suspended, unable in some strange way to lift my camera to capture a view. The view is beautiful by most standards, but it is not about the view. It’s about the feel. How can I capture this warm tropical breeze cooling me under the shade in a treehouse overlooking the turquoise waters? Can the sound of the waves be captured in a recording the way I hear it now? How can I capture the feel of adventure in our 4WD crossings and kayak crash on the island beach?

And what about the ripples? I felt small waves of grief overcome me as I settled in to this paradise spot. What the hell am I doing here, I thought? I would trade this in a millisecond to get Jason back in my life.

I felt some passing pangs of guilt thinking about how I used to want more freedom to travel, to not have to worry about Jason, my business, the house, the cats, and all of those things I feel responsible for. Now Jason and Nala (my cat) are gone. My second cat Annapurr is with her dear auntie Liz, my house is being taken care of by loving friends, and I am delegating all of my business activities (for the first time!) to a trusted colleague and friend, Fiona.

I experienced a magical flow yesterday sitting under a waterfall, watching my tears mingle and flow with the jungle waters, letting the mother earth energy hold me as I surrendered to the grief. I had nowhere to go in this remote place but with what was right there – my sadness, my awe, my gratitude, my wondering, my connection with the divine spirits that talked to me through the babbling waters.

The land at Finca Las Brisas (a sustainable community under development) has wonderful energy and I like the developers (Al reminds me of my brother Al), and I am impressed with what they are creating, pioneers in a new way of building (off the grid, solar, with minimal roads and footprint and water year-round). This is what we have been looking for, and yet I tune in and it is not yet time to make big decisions. I sit in the ripples, I talk with the local gringos and Ticos, I watch the sun set every day.

Wow – I am crossing through the ripples and I am safe and I am free – to be me.

I’m getting into this Tico thing.

I’m not used to going on a trip without making reservations in advance. Even if I had time to plan our trip to Costa Rica, part of me wanted to just go and see where we end up. And that’s where we are – wherever we are. Following our intuition, at least most of the time.

I didn’t follow my intuition about reserving a rental car in advance – I resisted doing this to “trust” in what happened. It delayed getting us to the beach by a day but it gained us a laid-back day of getting stuck in a small village with nothing to do but eat and rest. When do I ever get that opportunity?

I have discovered my love for freedom – freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from social rules, freedom from making plans, freedom from seeing my current reality from one perspective. There’s nothing to do in this village of Nosara (although it has a great sandal shop and a fun dinner place called Rancho Tico). But there is so much to do – sit in an open air breakfast café, petting the cabina-owner’s dogs, enjoying the jungle breeze, listening to the tropical birds, watching the motorcycles drive by, practice mi espanol, hang out with my best friend.

Travelling without an agenda is pretty cool, but I do have an agenda. To be me. To follow my bliss.

There was another part of me that wished I had made plans, so I wouldn’t “miss out on life” the way I often felt growing up and until recently, feeling burdened by taking care of others. That’s an old pattern, and I did an Avatar practice to let it go, to free me up to be in my flow. It is so cool to have 3 weeks to travel, so I am not putting pressure on myself to have to be somewhere in a particular timeframe. It is all perfecto.

We have been in Costa Rica 48 hours and have yet to reach our “destination”- the beaches of Nosara and Samara. Our first 24 hrs in San Jose introduced us to the Tico culture and the young hostel world, but mostly gave us an opportunity to rest from an intensive 2-week immersion in personal growth. When we arrived in Nosara yesterday we learned about car insurance and how to research that in advance before going to another country; I followed my intuition not to take the first car deal when I found out theft wasn’t covered in the maximum insurance plan. Waiting 24 hrs for a car brought us to this sleepy village to be sleepy.

We actually do have a plan to meet some folks from Finca Las Brisas, a sustainable intentional community under development – we will see them Saturday for a tour and a barbeque. We have been inspired by discussions with them about a community we may start or join some day. I’m guided to explore intentional community, practice Spanish and chumming with the natives (a store guide already told us our Spanish was good enough to call us Ticos!), and relax into the Pura Vida.

Looking back through my life I would get so intense (and often moody) when life didn’t go the way I planned. Losing Jason wasn’t in my plan, and somehow this created a passage into a new perspective.

I’ve taught goal-setting, shifting from working on all the steps to make something happen, to “being in your flow”, to understanding the law of attraction, to being in a place of hanging with my higher self, enjoying the simple life. I’ve created complications, and now I am creating simplicity.

Jason is here hanging with me. He didn’t like planning; he couldn’t relate to it. He fully experienced the current moment, including seeing multiple perspectives of any one thing, seeing the beauty of all things. He was with me in the 18-seater prop plane flying over the Costa Rican countryside from San Jose to the coast. I felt him say “this is so cool”, sharing the awe of each moment with him, feeling him soaring in the beautiful clouds with us.

P.S. It is the following day – now enjoying the relaxing tropical air, and being……
A small adventure yesterday fording a stream with our 4WD vehicle – the wake went up to the hood! Going outside our usual sense of reality…..

Enlightenment is not the first thing one might expect after losing a child.

Why do bad things happen to people? Are they really bad? Who determines if it is bad? If we believe it is bad, then it will most likely feel that way. If we believe that it is what it is, then we are open to experiencing what comes. What if what comes are spiritual gifts? What if we get enlightened from an event that would otherwise be judged as terrible?

When Jason died my world turned upside down and I looked at life from new perspectives. The tsunami paved the way to be open to new possibilities. Instead of seeing everything through filters of loss, I started observing. I started to see what I was gaining.

And I gained a tremendous amount.

I gained confirmation there is a God, I call it Source. The strongest initial experience I had at Jason’s passing was to feel the overwhelming unconditional love that we had for each other. This is Source, and I was quickly convinced that it’s the only thing that exists. My relationship with Source has been strengthened, not weakened, with the loss of my precious son.

I am clear that the physical body is not what is most important, in fact it is the tip of the iceberg of our expanded Self, and a flash of a moment in universal time. The body comes and goes. Everything in our life can come and go. Nothing is permanent except the higher self, our connection with Source. If we can observe what happens without judging it, there is nothing to get attached to and nothing to lose and nothing to fear.

I could connect with Jason’s spirit after he died because my higher self was connecting with him on the other side. My connection with Source combined with my love for Jason opened up this communication pathway. It was more distinctly Jason the first couple of months before he moved up the astral plane away from the physical plane. Now it is more diffuse, but the strength of the connection keeps me more connected to my higher self. Or does my strong connection to my higher self keep me more connected to Jason? Or does it really matter?

We are one.

Jason passed so much to so many in his passing. He passed on to me –love, inspiration, confidence, limitlessness, patience, timelessness, and trust. I know I will be manifesting those things that I have been passionate about for some time and had believed that “some day” it would happen. It’s already happening, because it is in my highest good to serve the world.

To me enlightenment is freedom from judgment and beliefs and old patterns that don’t serve me. It’s about trusting in Source. It’s about being Source.

Jason helped me to connect to Source in a bigger way.

I will manifest what I truly desire, and what is in my highest good, in honor of Jason. In honor of my higher self. There’s no difference.

P.S. I am grateful for so much spiritual support in my life, and specifically recently some training in Avatar – www.avatarepc.com

I’ve grieved hard, I’ve retreated and integrated, and now it’s time to do the work of my life. To move more fully into who I am.

When we move homes we clear out the old stuff we don’t need anymore. When we move in to a new home we reorganize and reprioritize, with new presentations and new energy. It feels like that’s happening for me at this time of the new year, of the first year that Jason is not physically in my life since he was born. I’m not moving physical homes, but I’m moving more fully into my spiritual home. Jason has shared my physical and spiritual homes with me in such big ways, and we will always share a spiritual home.

I was at one of Jason’s homes this morning, his dad’s house in Gloucester, looking out over the cove where we spread his ashes, now called Jason’s cove. I was listening to one of Jason’s and my favorite CDs (Secret Garden), to a powerfully beautiful Norwegian Celtic song. That’s when I got Jason’s strong message, channeled in by the bright sun directly above the cove, spreading its golden rays toward the dock, through the marshgrass, up the hill, and into my heart. I was overcome by that familiar tsunami of grief and beauty and love and gratitude.

Jason always knew how to orchestrate beauty and how to get my attention. He’s telling me I’m on the right path, moving into some deep Avatar work and some tropical adventures that will enrich and soothe my soul. And he’s bringing his spiritual camera! I’ll send you copies of his photos through my heart.

Thank you again for being loving witness to my journey. Stay tuned for the housewarming party.

It didn’t feel good to be agitated.

I reminded myself of all of the messages I’ve received and all of the affirmations I’ve used.

That felt much better.

I reminded myself that I can decide how I want to experience my reality. I let myself feel the agitation and watch it dissolve. I decided collecting affirmations for my grieving journey into one place might assist me. Here they are for now:

*I accept Jason’s death; it was his soul’s choice on his soul’s path. The higher plan may not be completely known to me, and I trust in his evolution and in what he is offering from the other side. I celebrate Jason’s life and spirit.

*I accept my soul path, and I am grateful for all I have received and trust in my evolution going forward. I celebrate my life and spirit.

*I see myself and others as spirit, as divine essence; the spirit is everlasting, as is the love and what we learn from each other.

*I am confident in my awareness and my abilities to release the old and create and allow the new.

*I know how to take care of myself. I work on maintaining balance and I tune in to what I need, ask for it, and trust I will get it. I attract the right support at the right time.

*I connect with Jason on the other side and know his energy is always with me.

*I connect with the oneness of everyone and everything; I am never alone.

*I ride the waves of grief with ease and calm, knowing I am healing, and trusting in the process. I believe that grief is a reminder of the deep love and connection Jason and I share.

*I experience every challenge in life as an opportunity to evolve and gain even more happiness. Every loss brings gifts. This is confirmed in retrospect.

*I connect with the other side, with the Divine, with Spirit, with my guides, in many ways, at any time. Love and gratitude bring me there easily.

*I am Being in the beauty of each moment.

Happy Loving New Year,
Michelle

Jason believes we can all be Avatars.

There is no coincidence that the movie Avatar came out after Jason’s passing and as I am preparing to take an advanced Avatar course. The Avatar movie and the Avatar training are unrelated and yet they are so much the same. The movie carries profound messages about realities and how we connect with our physical world, how we expand our consciousness, how we connect with the spiritual realms (and the universal God), and how we can create what we choose. It confirms my hope in the future of our earth when I see movies like this appeal to the mainstream. The Avatar training (www.avatarepc.com) Kule and I did last year prepared me to deal with Jason’s passing, and to understand more about the unseen energies we connect with.

I enjoyed the creativity and special effects of the movie tremendously and the story touched me deeply in many ways. I was also sad at the end, wishing Jason could have seen this movie, he would have loved it. Then I realized – he is the movie. He could have made this movie, it is that level of artistry he always appreciated, and the messages he always believed in.

Connecting with a loved on the other side is training to be an Avatar. Jason is helping me to understand how this works and to teach it.

We choose our reality by choosing which “world” we want to be in. There are so many possibilities. When we believe that we have only what we have in this current field of awareness, then we are limiting ourselves. Our energetic capacity goes way beyond our physical limitations. Those of us who have studied the healing arts know and feel this, and some can see the auric fields. Thoughts are energy. What we believe creates our current experience, our “reality”, what feels real to us.

Yesterday as I was driving at night I entered a dark mysterious forest. I could feel Jason’s presence. He always loved driving; it was a way to move through different worlds in this reality. If he had been there we would have made up some horror movie scene where some wild thing came out of the darkness and approached our car, as we narrowly escaped in laughter. As I moved through this holodeck of possibilities, it felt I was driving through Jason’s energy field. It was a new way of connecting with him, driving through consciousness. I’m guessing he was showing me how he experienced his reality while we were driving. Jason’s creative mind was always alert and creating new realities.

When I completed my first course in Avatar in July 2008, I called Jason in tears telling him this was perhaps the most profound experience in my life. I wanted him to take the course, too. He at first was open to this, and then resisted, as he entered a challenging year of illness and a new level of independence. I was sad at first that he would not benefit from this training; he could perhaps help his body heal. It gradually got very clear to me that Jason was already an Avatar, so I didn’t push him to take the course. He already knew how to create what he wanted with his art, his music, his social life, his home life. He didn’t buy into limitations like many of us do. At some level he couldn’t comprehend how that even happened, but he listened compassionately to his friends who were suffering with their limitations, and they in turn felt released with Jason’s presence and sense of freedom.

Jason’s confident smile always gave me that sense of freedom, of soaring to other worlds of possibilities and creating what he wanted. Every time I look at his picture I get that same feeling, and I know he is there. I can be wherever I want to be, and I can create what I want.

Jason –
I see you.

P.S. Go see the movie. The digital 3D version is great, and I hear the Imax 3D effects add physical vibrations that make for a more intense experience.

I’ve written about this in several writings – about how I’ve learned so much from Jason in life and in his passing. How I appreciate so much having had him in my life, even if it were just to be 17 years. I’ve written about our long soul history together, our past lives.

It’s helped to confirm this soul agreement. This belief got further confirmed reading a book that Marie-Anne recommended – Your Soul’s Plan – Discovering the Real Meaning of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born, by Robert Schwartz. When she told me she couldn’t put the book down I figured I had to get it. One chapter is about a mother who lost a fiancé and then her 19 year old son. The story about the son of course resonated with me. Interviews with mediums and psychics brought to surface the story of their soul agreement together, and how she learned compassion from having two big losses in her life. Her son also had a soul contract with the drug dealer who gave him the drugs that caused his death. Jason had a soul contract with the driver of the car; his love for her confirms this.

I didn’t need to hire a medium to get the big pieces of my story with Jason, I’ve been fortunate to get it direct from him. There may be more pieces, and I’m content to get the information at the right time. Unlike the mother in the book, I didn’t need to learn about compassion in a big way from Jason’s death; I think I already had that one down in this lifetime, I learned a huge amount being Jason’s mother in life. What I did learn in a big way is Being (see http://jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com/2009/11/message-30-being-10109.html ).

I also learned that we have a partnership that is everlasting, and that has evolved in each lifetime.

Jason and I made an agreement to be spiritual teachers together. We were doing it when he was alive – we were stealthily teaching each other to be healers in ways that we could each relate to and share with others. Jason was a healer in his own way, and targeted his peer age group and those who would resonate with his nonverbal messages through his mystical art and music, in the ways he brought us each to moments of magic and love. I was already identified as a healer, but my role as a spiritual teacher was not clear to me until Jason passed. In his passing, I have come to understand more fully the continuity of the soul’s spirit, and how we are always connected, in life and in death. It is becoming clear that I will be sharing these understandings more and more with others, who will benefit from what I have gained in my soul partnership with Jason.

As I am writing this, I am feeling so incredibly honored to have been chosen by Jason’s wise soul to do this work with him. At the same time, I am getting some glimpses of the human-limited thoughts, such as “How can I possibly do this justice?” Jason died so we could do this work more fully, and I feel some pressure; I want to honor Jason fully. Luckily, I also feel the patience Jason passed on to me when he passed. (BTW, that’s why they call it a “passing” – so much does pass from the spirit to others – I wrote about this in writing Tsunami). I know I have acknowledged this gift often, since patience has (and still is) not my strength, but it’s a heck of a lot “better” now.

Often when I think of Jason I feel him merged with me. He is not separate. This is the unity consciousness I have always strived to be in, and he did it with ease.
So – duh (as Jason and I would say) I would not see him as a separate being, because he is not. We are also a partnership, and he can do some of his work through me. I guess that’s my new “mother” role. It used to be that I was teaching him to be independent. Well, that’s truly manifested at some level, but now that he doesn’t have a body (an earth-plane medium in which to connect with others on their plane), he is depending on me for that. He is also ready to work through others who connect with him through the belief we are not separate – his father, and many relatives and friends.

I got the message from Jason the night before the ceremony (Message 4 – Lighten Up) to share with those at the ceremony that Jason is embedded in my heart, and if you hug me (or anyone else who believes that Jason is embedded in their heart) then they can feel Jason’s hug. Jason was talking through me at the ceremony – how else could a grieving mother deliver a confident and humorous 10-minute speech? He was there so clearly, hugging the hour-long line of well-wishers at the reception, many of them young friends of Jason who wanted to feel that hug. He was there drumming with us. He was smiling with me, feeling the incredible love that soared from the great transformed sadness.

This is why people die. It’s not a loss, it’s just a passage. We come to this temporary world from another world that is our true home. We come to learn, to grow, and to share. We often wonder what our purpose in life is. I think that’s a healthy curiousity, but the trick is not to be attached to having to know everything, or we can suffer from disappoint or expectations.

I like wonderful surprises. Before Jason was born I didn’t want to know the sex of my baby. My acupuncturist was convinced it was a girl from the pulse, but I sensed it was a boy – one who had great feminine as well as masculine energy. I was right. There was a lot more that I didn’t know…

Life is full of surprises, some not so nice. However, if we truly believe that each challenge in life is there to teach us something on a much larger scale, then we receive the gifts. I know I am being showered with gifts, and that will continue. I miss Jason enormously on the physical plane, and that is very painful. I also understand that I have chosen this path at a soul level, and I am reminded of how rich my relationship with Jason is on the spirit level. If I over-focus on the loss at the physical level, I temporarily lose sight of our abundant connection at the spirit level. When I am connected on the spirit level, which is easy for me to do, having been so connected with the Divine for a very long time, then I am at home, in peace. I feel that every time I look at Jason’s photo. He reminds me of that peace, and it takes me over and calms me during my painful grieving moments. He is here. He is doing great healing work from the other side.

I believe that the death of a loved one creates a clear channel for connection to the other world, to the world of spirit that is there with us all the time but it is not in our awareness. I believe anyone can increase their connection to the world of spirit through the love of their dear departed. I believe Jason and I can assist others with this. We already are.

So many have asked me “How are you getting through this?”, it can be such a devastating experience. I reply that I am so grateful for my spiritual beliefs, that I have always been connected to the Divine (God, the Great Spirit – this has so many names), and Jason and I connected strongly with each others’ spirit when he was alive. When he dropped his body the connection was already there. Being able to communicate with him this way, in a way that I was already used to, has been such a gift. I know he is here and he will always be here for me. His first message to me the night he died was that he is not limited by his body, and he can do so much more. Our spirit is infinite, and timeless. If we do move on to another life, our spirit can still be available to anyone. This is a belief that is confirmed for myself, and I am fascinated by this.

Imagine how less limited we can all be in life if we know that we have this limitless spirit?

I was pleased to hear a sermon at an Episcopal church (the same church where we had Jason’s ceremony) Christmas eve talk about the two worlds. He talked about how in the movie Avatar a man is able to extend his consciousness into another world, a metaphor for how we can all connect with the other world of spirit, of God. He spoke about how we aren’t aware of the richness of the other world, when we are in this one, and he eloquently reminded us of this. I’m curious to have a metaphysics conversation with this man of the cloth. It’s clear he wants others to get what he gets. It was a joy to experience his sharing.

We are all connected. When we all know this there will be world peace.

I feel like I’m getting that world peace within myself. I’m at peace with being in this world, and knowing the other world is there for me right now. I don’t have to wait to die to get there. We already have Heaven on Earth (crediting Maharishi). The earth plane serves a purpose in our spiritual evolution – the raising of personal and collective consciousness.

Jason was with me on this earth plane for a relatively short time (by human standards), but he has been with me and will be with me for eternity on that higher plane, the one that really counts for me!

Love,
Michelle and Jason

Losing a child devastates parents. It’s not right; children shouldn’t die before their parents. Children should have a chance to grow up and live a full life. So many shoulds….I’ve worked hard to process them to lessen the pain of loss, but they still come up in waves of grief, and I ride them and continue to process.

Losing a child is an experience than can only be truly understood by parents who have lost a child. It’s a club. It feels good to know there are others who will always understand when the pain arises. We’re called “bereaved parents”; my friend Henry who lost his son wants to see a new name coined just for us, like there are names for “widow” or “widower” or “orphan”. No one wants to give it a name because it is unthinkable.

It’s lonely losing a child. I’m grateful that my support has far outweighed anything I’ll mention in this paragraph. I know there are many who didn’t contact me because they didn’t know what to say, or because their fear of losing their own children was triggered. It’s not a disease, and it’s not contagious. (I remember some people avoided me when I was going through a divorce and a miscarriage, too. They weren’t contagious, either!) There are also some who see me or talk to me on the phone and don’t ask how I am doing. I usually don’t mind (because of all the support I do get), but it is very curious to me why anyone wouldn’t understand that this kind of loss is a pain that is felt daily for a long time, and it feels good to be asked how I’m doing. If I have to, I can share a quick cry and then move on to enjoy life; acknowledging the pain does wonders. I’m manifesting just the right amount of people who check in with me at just the right times when I need it. Most of the time I’m just fine, and I’m grateful for the once-in-a-while check-in.

As much as I’d like to create a painless future, I’m convinced that the pain of losing Jason will never go away. It will diminish and it will transform, and it will always remind me of what an awesome person he was in my life, how much love we shared, and how much I enjoyed being a mother. I do miss that. I really miss that. I still identify with being a mother. In fact, I asked Jason today if I could still be his mother and he said “of course, mom, you’ll always be my mother, you were an awesome mom.” That’s so true – why would I ever doubt that?

I miss holding him. Jason will always be my baby. He was my baby when he was going through his “give me space” teen phase, but I wasn’t attached to cuddling him like when he was younger. I just imagined it. I still do. He sure liked my massages at any age (except as a baby – he was too ticklish and he cried), and I miss giving them. I liked taking care of Jason on the physical plane. I admit it wasn’t always fun, but I treasured my role. I also enjoyed helping him learn how to take care of himself; he was growing up so fast, and I was so blessed to have such a mature young adult.

I don’t plan on being attached to seeing Jason grow up, wondering what he would have been doing at each stage of life. But I probably will wonder. It’s a curiosity, one that I hope won’t bring up an unhealthy level of pain – that’s something I believe I can manage.

I see kids his age or a bit older and wish I could still see Jason coming home from school, or hear his voice on the phone from college. This holiday season wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but I have been triggered when parents talk about their kids coming home for the holidays, or planning their family holiday vacation. I won’t have that experience with Jason coming home from college, or from some new travel adventure. I’ll never experience his physical presence again, but I’m blessed to have his presence with me always, in other ways. And I really do celebrate other parents being able to enjoy being with their children; I know how special that is.

I’ve been intrigued by all the stories I’ve heard of parents who have lost a child, and the years of grieving they experienced. I’m not devastated, as many people predicted – “Oh, you will be devastated, you will be grieving for a very very long time.” The latter will probably be true. However, I’m finding I’m enjoying life at a steadier state with intermittent waves of grief that dissipate more and more quickly, and come less and less frequently. Some of them are big, like the one I had yesterday when I cashed in Jason’s college account. Wow! That hit me like a ton of bricks. I worked hard to save that money, envisioning supporting his dream to be a successful artist and musician. Well, that money is for my life college now. Jason moved on to a different college that doesn’t take earth currency, and I’m guessing he’s still getting A’s; he was always proud of his achievements, on whatever plane of existence.

Losing a child is not like any other loss. No loss should ever be compared to any other loss, but I can confidently say that losing a child is a unique kind of loss. I’ve heard several accounts of people who have lost a sibling, and they refer to the pain of their parents that was so much greater than their own. I’ve done deep grieving when I lost close friends and relatives, but that didn’t come close to even a very small fraction of the grief I have felt losing Jason.

Losing a child sucks. I met someone at a funeral gathering last weekend and mentioned I had just lost my son. She said with great compassion “wow, that really sucks.” I felt so much appreciation for that statement, as crass as it sounded. It’s so true. I’ll never pretend it isn’t.

I was going to end on that note, but I do love life, so I’ll end on this note. It’s a B flat, sing along! Love is all there is….

Yesterday I found about 20 songs on his ipod that I hadn’t heard before; a few were amazing. Why didn’t he show us these songs? He’s written about 60, but I processed some upset about not knowing about these 20 – guilt that I should have known about them, sadness that he may have thought that they weren’t good enough. Then I calmed down and realized many were older pieces he didn’t pursue, some were short cuts he was playing with, and several were recent ones with lyrics that perhaps were too private. He wrote many poems he didn’t share with us; he was very private. He used his creativity for self-healing, and I admire his ability to take care of himself. I got support in a co-counseling session last night, and I’m clear that this was Jason’s choice not to share this music, for whatever reasons, and that was fine with me. Many of his friends never even heard his music until I gave him them his music CD after he died.

Why didn’t he tell more people? In some ways Jason was just too friggin humble.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. Jason showed the world his photography on DeviantArt and he was on the favorites list of 100s of his fans, wanting to be notified of all of his postings. It was comfortable for him to do this on the internet because the feedback gave him confirmation of his talents, but he didn’t brag about his art in person, and he didn’t jump at doing art shows. I helped him with a couple early on, but in the past couple of years he didn’t want to do the work to put on an art show; he just wanted to make the art, and boy, did he! He showed his parents and close friends what he was working on, and I often knew when the latest creation was ready for viewing or listening when I heard a delighted exclamation from his studio.

It was perhaps his success on DeviantArt that got him thinking about pursuing photography, and not go to college for music. Last fall I encouraged him to put together a demo CD to take to college interviews. I set up a portfolio review session, and he at first was excited and then resisted going, after we had to cancel the initial visit due to his illness. Being sick last year slowed him down and got him depressed. Perhaps he was getting some unconscious premonition of his near-end, because he didn’t even want to talk about college. Finally, in July when he was feeling well, it was such a joy to see him happily showing the college admissions person in San Francisco his photography on the internet, a week before he passed.

Jason was very confident about his art and saw himself as a gifted artist. He was proud of his achievements; he even kept neat notebooks of all his report cards with mostly A’s, but he never celebrated this except with his parents. He didn’t show off enough, in my mind. What held him back?

Jason had high standards; he had an acute critical eye for music and art. He had mentioned once or twice to me and his father Chuck that he didn’t think his music was that great. I couldn’t believe it, but I could understand he might jump to this conclusion because no one bought his first CD. His music was a bit out there, the “left field” genre. He was a pioneer, and much of his music didn’t appeal to the mainstream. He did brilliant sound and music experimentation, much of it perfect for sound healing and journeying. I wish I had gotten his stuff out to the right music experts early on, and I have some regret about that. I planned to have him do it in college. I plan to do this, at the right time; it’s too much for me right now in my grieving process. I believe his music has financial value, so we will make sure to protect copyright.

If Jason didn’t fully get it when he was alive, then in his current ego-less state I trust he knows how good his work is.

Maybe when he was alive he was afraid that if he was too powerful he would scare people away. Where did he get that from? From me? I was a lot like Jason when I was young. It took me well into my 40s to be able to show my gifts without fear of being judged or fear of losing friends. I find that I inspire others to show their gifts, and that creates intimacy. Jason knew how to empower others; that was another of his gifts, and he had an abundance of friends and people who loved him all over the world on the internet.

When we share our gifts with self-love and love for others we empower others to share their gifts and feel powerful, too.

What other talents do I want to share with others before I leave this plane? I just made a CD of music that I’ve recorded with my voice and viola, and that feels good. I have many compositions that I haven’t shared yet, on a recording studio that I haven’t figured out how to master songs from. I have a blog of writings of Jason’s messages and my grieving journey, and that feels good. I’ll keep on writing. I won’t be too humble when I market my expert consulting and training services in the corporate world. I share my gifts of teaching spirituality and community building with Kule, and we will continue to do retreats and explore building an intentional community. We’ve been doing Avatar manifesting practices and reading “One Year to Live” by Steven Levine, to clear old stuff and practice living each moment as if that is all there is.

Life can be too short; Jason proved that. “I’ll do it someday” doesn’t work for me anymore, but at the same time I have been given the gift of patience from Jason. All I know is that when I feel called to be in my power and use my gifts, I listen and follow my heart. It knows what to do.

Humility is wonderful, when we are also in our power.

Jason, you were humble and powerful in life, and I feel that in your spirit.
Thanks again for being my teacher.

This wise soul had a mission on earth, and it wasn’t going to be for a very long time, so he wanted to choose a family that wasn’t attached to having a large family with grandchildren. He wanted to be with a family that would understand his soul-level and his passion for creating what he wanted on earth, and to enjoy love to its fullest with his family, friends, and extended family. He wanted to experience unity consciousness on earth, being one with everything, experiencing beauty in all people and things. He wanted to be a healer in his own way, in a humble quiet powerful way that would inspire and transform many who were with him. He also wanted to have a lot of fun being on the earth plane.

The wise soul was born to Michelle and Chuck Foster, and they named him Jason, which means healer in Greek. They were very happy to have Jason. They felt his wisdom and saw his bright light; they were so blessed and knew the universe chose wisely. They were also very challenged by this powerful being who was frustrated to be in a small body. Jason’s soul wanted to do so much so soon; he knew what he wanted and what he didn’t want. He learned to walk and do things with his body at a younger age than most babies. He didn’t like being confined to a body, and expressed his frustration often. Clothes didn’t feel right, food didn’t taste right, the energy of a person or place didn’t feel right. He didn’t sleep; that was a waste of his time and energy. He didn’t like school; that was a waste of his time and energy. He wanted to do so much.

The Jason soul thrived on love, trust, and creativity.

He received and gave love freely. He felt best when others trusted his wisdom about what he needed, even as a baby. He couldn’t stop being creative, from playing with words and numbers as a baby to making up stories to making people laugh to making creative videos with his friends to creating amazing photos, digital art, music, writings and his own website. He created from his own uniqueness, and was a pioneer in photography and music composition.

He sought other souls who understood his soul mission. He made soul-level friendships with several children and teens who felt no different than if they had been blood brothers and sisters. He attracted beautiful wise souls into his life, and he celebrated life with them. His extended family also included beautiful wise souls that his parents introduced to him.

The Jason soul had an abundance of love, trust, and creativity in his earth life. He met his soul mission in this world.

The Jason soul passed very quickly, before the Jason body or anyone else could see it coming. That’s the way his soul wanted to go, without any physical suffering or prolonged medical treatment that would prolong other’s suffering. It was easy for him to drop his body; he simply flew away to a world he knew so well. His soul friend Erin flew with him. The passage was so peaceful that his mother felt it when she was driving in to the hospital and after she arrived to hear that the Jason body had not survived the accident. Jason’s soul peace held her in a state of trust that all was fine, and she knew he was still there, on the other side.

He always communicated from a soul level, so it was easy to communicate with others who had communicated with his soul easily when he was in his body. His parents, relatives, and friends are consoled by knowing they can connect with him anytime, and knowing he is where he always planned to be, doing powerful healing work for this world on the other side. They miss the Jason body that they can hug and play with, see him with the people he loves, and see him in the joy of creating his works of art and music. They miss all the little things about Jason that made him unique in this world. They have so many memories and photos and music to remember his presence here. They understand that the separation of Jason’s soul and body was meant to be at this time, and they feel so blessed to have been chosen to be with his soul in this lifetime.

The Jason soul lives in many ways – on the other side, perhaps in another body, and definitely inside those of us who are connected by the deep love we cultivated when he was in his body.

This is a story of Jason’s soul, and it is a beautiful never-ending story.

Grieving takes a lot of energy – it’s important work, but it doesn’t have to be consuming. I never had that belief, but I have been tired. I also get the sense that most of the hard work is done, and I feel good about where I am. Writing has been a great support for me, and loving witness. I have abundant support to turn to for help when I need it; just knowing that makes my current journey easier.

Jason’s right (he usually is). It’s a great time to do a retreat, to be in more silence. This time of year is a time of reflection, solitude, and silence for me, following my inner rhythm according to the Solstice tradition rather than the active holiday party-shopping-workdeadline craze. I love the Christmas lights, reminding me of the light in the darkness, and the cozy warming fire and being with loving community. I’m enjoying a slower pace of work, and some interesting work, planning presentations for the spring, and good rapport with my clients. I have no major business travel coming up, and I can do whatever grieving comes up easily.

I’m appreciating the opportunity to do what I need to do, not what anyone might expect. I’m not making commitments to any travel or major events, so I can stay tuned into what I need and not disappoint. I’m trusting I will get what I need, and that I can be available to others when that is needed.

I’m appreciating that others are honoring and wanting to follow my wishes, such as not exchanging presents with my family. I am blessed that everyone understands. I trust we can enjoy the family holiday gathering and include Jason’s spirit in a way that is comforting and sweet and not dwelling on loss. My family understood that I didn’t want a routine Christmas (reminding me of Jason’s absence) when I encouraged them to go to Argentina to visit relatives over Christmas vacation; I am so glad to see my niece Nikki have the experience Jason had 3 years ago, spending time with relatives she never met, and to see my sister Mariana spend that precious time with her daughter the way I got to spend it with my son. I’m so grateful we got to explore our roots together, and to hear Jason create intentionally ridiculous Spanish phrases to humor our blood relatives. They are grateful they got a chance to get to know our dear Jason.

Life can be too short to put off what’s so important to us. That’s why I’m going to Costa Rica to play and explore intentional communities with Kule in early 2010. That’s why we are taking an advanced Avatar training in manifesting, to continually be creating what we want in our lives. I’m looking forward to removing any obstacles (that I might not even know I have!) on my sacred path.

The retreat time for me will be an opportunity to just be, and to listen without judgment or expectation about what any of it means. I’m incubating. The transition will be what it is, and I trust I will get the guidance I need to make some changes in my work and lifestyle that I’m being told will happen. Much of my book on my grieving journey and Jason’s messages has already been written, and I am inspired to continue writing in other areas of my life, such as with my corporate consulting (I am co-authoring a book due end of 2010) and teaching spirituality in the workplace. Rediscovering my passion for writing has been a gift.

Jason taught me how to follow my passion even more than I have been, and to use my gifts. There is one more writing to do before I immerse in silence – Humility and Power. Watching Jason being too humble and not letting his power out more in life, I learned that I also do this. I plan to use my gifts more powerfully, to assist with my own growth and that of others.

Let the retreat begin……

P.S. Being in retreat doesn’t mean I won’t be in communication, but I will choose what communication is priority and what feeds me in the moment. I wish you holiday peace and joy!

It’s Christmas time, and I had been planning to get the heck out of town to avoid the pain of not having Jason here, opening gifts together. This morning I pulled up the courage to pull out his Christmas stocking and I let the tears flow. I had embroidered “JASON” on the stocking when he was a baby. Opening the stocking Christmas morning was one of two holiday rituals Jason was still into as a teen. In the past few years that stocking has held so many mints (his favorite candy), gag gifts, I.O.U’s for massage, music and photography equipment, and other treats, and money (of course). My stocking may not have been as overstuffed as his, but it was overflowing with laughter and love from Jason’s creative gifts (and special ones from Kule, too). Jason jumped out of bed Christmas morning to open stockings in front of the Christmas fire with hot chocolate. It’s the only day of the year I can say he did that; the rest of the year, unless we were catching a plane, it was like pulling teeth to get him out of bed!

The second of the two holiday rituals he enjoyed was playing with the Christmas village, some ceramic houses with lights that we used to decorate with small plastic fish and frogs and lizards and various other random things. It’s such a comical scene and an opportunity for creative theatrics, that Jason always looked forward to with me and his friends. I almost gave the village away last year because he thought he grew out of it, but we set it up one last time and had a ball with all the memories of what this village has survived. I will set the houses out and get his little animals out of his treasure chest to play with Jason once again. I’m guessing it will be fun, as always.

Losing Jason has been a tremendous loss; I still cry daily in acknowledgment of this. This loss has also given me the opportunity to feel the greatest love and gratitude for what I have had and continue to have in my life. I would not have chosen this, but I am able to see the gifts I am receiving.

I’ve observed that when I focus on loss, then I feel the downward spiral into depression and despair. The other day when I was thinking about how I lost Jason, I started questioning why I’ve had to experience this and so many other losses in my life – a divorce and other failed relationships, my father’s Alzheimer’s and death, a late miscarriage, my mother’s cancer and depression (now both fine, thankfully), my dear aunt’s brain surgery and move to relatives far away, two dear friends who didn’t survive bone marrow transplants, my band Bluegate that moved away, etc, etc. I felt so sorry for myself and started asking why I had to have these losses. Why does anyone have to suffer these kind of losses? I felt confusion and despair.

Then I was reminded of how I grew and became alive with each loss. Each time, I reflected on what I gained from each loss, the gifts I received from each person or situation. I’m also being called to share my experiences with others; it may assist them with their healing.

When we focus on the suffering, that’s what we experience. When we focus on the gifts, then we feel uplifted. I believe sadness about a loss can be a gift, because it reminds us of how much we received from that dear person in our lives, how they contributed to our aliveness in some or many ways. I feel that gratitude daily, along with the tears.

I’m not afraid to die, and now, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid to lose others. I used to worry that something would happen to me and Jason wouldn’t have a mother. Now I see how all that energy was wasted. Of course, it never occurred to me he would go first! So many parents have told me how hard it was for them to hear about my losing my son, because they couldn’t imagine losing their own children. Some have deep fears about this. I do believe every soul has its own time, and it’s important to accept the soul’s path or choice, no matter how hard it feels. All we can do is live each moment as if it could be our last, without thinking of it as our last moment. It’s a new beginning every moment, and an opportunity to receive so many gifts and create wonderful memories. My awesome memories of Jason keep him alive in a way I never would have imagined. Kule and I strive to live each moment fully and trust that we will always be together in spirit.

I believe that we can live life more fully if we are not afraid of death.

I know that with each loss I will also gain. It may not be apparent immediately, but I trust that I am continuing to evolve going forward. I am presented with opportunities to grow. Every time I lost a romantic relationship, I expressed gratitude to that dear man of how much I learned and grew with him. Every time I lost a close friend or relative to death, I gained a relationship with their spirit that influences me in a way that it feels they are part of me. I have taken on some of the things Jason taught me in a bigger way, such as patience and being in the moment. I know I laugh and appreciate beauty everywhere and in everyone so much more easily having had him in my life. These are such precious gifts.

I now like the idea of hanging Jason’s stocking. I always liked his stocking more than mine, so he’s given me permission to share his. I’ll embroider Michelle on the other side of the stocking, to remind me that we are one, and that every gift I ever gave him was a gift to myself.

I attended a weekend workshop for the first time since Jason died (for the first time in a year, actually – I don’t attend workshops too often these days, but it felt right; I can receive healing). I wasn’t ready before this to leave my cocoon (being alone or with close friends or family) for more than a partial day. On the third day I found myself wailing in the arms of a loving compassionate woman who I’ve met once or twice, and I liked her energy. I didn’t see the wave coming until I asked her for a hug. She held the perfect space for me. The entire room held the space, and, for the first time in my life, I let myself disrupt a workshop. We had just finished a series of one-on-one communications, and the room was quiet in some reflection time. The last thing I would ever want to do is to disrupt this peace with loud emotional sounds. But it happened, I let it happen; I could have held back the wave, but I really didn’t want to. It felt great, and from the feedback I received it worked for everyone else, too.

The reason it worked is that, at the beginning of the workshop, I asked to share something with the group. I told them about my loss, and that I was grieving. I might need space or I might need to cry out of the blue. I didn’t want to explain this to everyone I met. The death of a child often triggers strong emotions in other people. Sharing this opened people up to sharing things with me, including how my loss of Jason triggered them. This kind of open-ness is what creates intimacy and trust. I was held this weekend in a safe loving place, where I could be the way I needed to be and that was beautiful to others as well as to me. It gave others permission to be who they needed to be. It was a well-facilitated workshop, and the space was what we all wanted and what we created.

The first person I met was a young man, 18-20 yrs, in our dorm area. He was very friendly, and I wanted to smile but felt like crying. I held back the tears, but before the workshop started I asked if I could share something with him, and he agreed. I told him his energy reminded me a bit of my son Jason who died recently. After a nice brief conversation and a hug, I never cried again when I saw him. We smiled and danced and joked a bit in brief connections throughout the weekend, and it was nice to be around that youthful creative energy, the way I always enjoyed being around Jason and his friends.

Early in the workshop I shared a connecting exercise with a mother of a young child. When I looked into her eyes I felt such motherly love that I allowed myself to cry and just be held like a child and let her stroke my head. The crying didn’t last long, the smiles came easily when we realized how quickly we became good friends. I thanked her for being my mommy; I apparently really needed that – it fit with the message to be a child that I had received the day before from Jason. After that, I received a message to play, and I really got into that, too.

I appreciated my honesty and transparency so much, because it freed up my energy to be in the moment.

On entertainment night, I shared my gift of music, and it was a gift to me and to so many in the room who resonated with the singing bowl and my voice, opening up their hearts and their voices, bringing them relaxation. It felt more powerful than other singing performances, and Jason was there, being my biggest fan. We got the biggest laughs watching Kule’s group skit about “The Buddha has spoken”.

I might have gone the entire weekend without crying, I was having such a good time. But when the waves came, it felt so good to let them happen, to ask for a hug and cry, and not to have to wait until I was in the “right” place. Perhaps there is no such thing as a wrong place to grieve.

I realized this weekend that we make friends in an instant when we are open to that. I also realized that the reason I do my best grieving alone is that I am my best friend, and I am with this dearest friend who takes care of me until I die. That’s sweet.

Cool. That’s the ultimate reflection – to be the mirror!
(I just wrote about Mirror Reflections).

The message resonated with me deeply. Of course – this is yet another reason to miss Jason, another reason to grieve. When he was around I could be the child through him. When he left the physical plane I unconsciously assumed I couldn’t feel that anymore. But he’s telling me I can.

And he’s telling me that I need to be; I didn’t get to be it much when I was a physical child. I was an adult child, and when I became an adult I continued to be responsible, by taking care of my child Jason. He was becoming an adult, but he would always be my little boy in some way.

So what have I been missing?
The awe, the wonder, the innocence, the naivety, the vulnerability, the play, the being-taken-care-of-ness. I experience all of that, I embrace that, and I have come so far learning with Jason, but perhaps I could be that even more, naturally?
Duh. (That’s from me, but it could as easily be from Jason!)

So what about all the inner child work I did in therapy in my late 20’s and 30’s? All good stuff, and probably more layers to discover. Instead of seeking, and grieving not having had it, I’m being told to just be it. I already am; I just need to push aside the other identities that get in the way. I need to remember that this is an important part of me that needs attention sometimes.

The child has been crying, and I’m being held. The divine mother is holding me, Jason is holding me, I’m holding Jason’s blankie. I’m seeing beauty in all of the decaying trees and berries left on leave-less bushes to feed the winter birds – beauty Jason captured in his photographs. I’m walking faster, forgetting my healing ankle can be sore. Next, it’s time to play! Children know how to shift easily….

I am also reminded that I am always the child, the adult, the healer, the teacher, the musician, and whatever identity I choose. Jason got to be all of those identities and more when he was a child.

I’m being with my child Jason and my child Michelle. We play well together.

I’ve been writing about Jason being an indigo child; I’m an indigo adult, embracing the “new culture”of oneness consciousness.
I’ve been remembering Jason’s patience, presence, and calmness; I feel he’s passed these qualities on to me – what gifts.
I’ve been in awe of how many people Jason touched in his life in person and on the web; he’s reminding me of how connected we all are.
I’ve been honoring him by being grateful for all the things that I learned from him; I had taught him much of this by example, and I’ve relearned from his perspective.
I’ve celebrated how he followed his passion; I’ve followed mine, but he’s showing me how I can do it more fully, without worrying about making money and all those things we adults do to feel responsible. The money will follow. I trust that.
I’ve made his CDs, updated his website, and gotten his photography out there more since he died.
He’s been telling me to get my music out there.

Last night Jason pulled me out of my chair and I made my first CD of Michelle’s music called “Journey”. It’s about time, and Jason is enjoying seeing me with my first CD!
(If you want to hear a sample, go to Ben Sheppards’s website www.liquidvoice.com – I’m singing on Sirens and Transformation, and singing and playing viola on Streams.)

A week or so after Jason died, I was feeling bad about not being able to get his music out there more while he was alive, and he then “showed” me a piece of paper that happened to be sticking out of the bottom of my in-box from a year ago , with a list of the pieces for my CD. I asked him to make the CD for me again this July as a birthday gift, but I didn’t know where my list was and we got busy with vacation time, and then he passed. He was telling me in life and after life to do my music, and I learned recently how to use itunes to make his CDs, and it feels good that I could make my CD all by myself. Next step is to get technical training on some music recording equipment in Jason’s studio, our studio. A step at a time……

I’ve recorded dozens of tunes since the Bluegate days, and two compositions on my iphone since Jason died; it’s a great way to capture the songs when they “come in” (I just don’t know how to master them for a CD). I compose every day when I do a ritual sounding in my morning grieving time, in reflection of Jason’s life and my life. It’s music in the moment, and that’s my passion.

So, I’m following my passion.
The problem is, the call is so strong that I’m being pulled to do things in an accelerated way, particularly in my consulting and training career, things I’ve been planning to do for some time. I know I’ll be making shifts, and I’m doing the visioning and the manifesting exercises – it’s all good.
I’m being patient – that’s good, too.
I’m feeling the emotions – that’s good, too.

But it’s hard.
I miss Jason.
I’m overwhelmed.
And I’m being with it.
That’s the best.

Note: The Journey CD has 4 pieces co-composed live with my healing music ensemble Bluegate, 4 with Ben, 1 piece I composed, and 2 pieces with viola solos on Caera’s CD (www.caera.info) . It is not commercially available (since some of the pieces are copyrighted to other artists), and is just for friends. The home-made CD cover has a photo of me taken by Jason in his favorite place in the world – Canyonlands, Utah. I also want to thank Christine and Kem for being with me and Ben in Bluegate, inspiring me to do my music – their website is www.christinetulis.com – the Portal CD they recorded in Boulder, Colorado is awesome healing music.

Jason knows who he is and what he wants and doesn’t want. He has access to deep wisdom and has the purity of wildflowers. All of the “challenges” he presented to us as a baby and small child are easily explained by all this – he is an Indigo child. I am blessed to have him in my life, as my son, my friend, my student, and my teacher.

Jason is here to bring light to the world and it is my honor and commitment to guide him (or confirm his own clear guidance) in his growing years to manifest who he is.

Discipline:
Time out and classic punishment never worked for Jason. When he says he learned his lesson and doesn’t need punishment, it’s true. He is full of truth and integrity.

Last night I said he couldn’t watch TV until he finished his homework. He was tired and refused to finish his homework, but proceeded to turn on the TV after I repeated calmly several times that he has to finish his homework first. Finally I said “Jason, if you don’t turn that TV off I will have to ask you to choose your own punishment.” He immediately turned off the TV, came over to sit on my lap, and went to bed. He likes to make his own decisions.

Another time, he was misbehaving and I told him to take time out. He had been crying, feeling really badly about what he had done (hitting us because he didn’t want to do something, or something to that effect), and he looked at me lovingly with those sweet eyes and said “Mom, I already had my punishment. Time out won’t teach me anything. I won’t do that again.” And I didn’t give him time out, and he never did it again.

Integrity at School:
Jason doesn’t like school (not uncommon for Indigo children), but he was having a particularly difficult time going back after Christmas break. The school counselor, Mr. Van, befriended him and helps him with the Monday transition. One day he went to school late and refused to go to the classroom, looking exceptionally stressed. We found Mr. Van and talked about why school feels hard. It took a while, but we found out that one of his classmates, “A”, was being “disgusting”. He was resistant to talking about it, and I sensed he didn’t want to see anyone get in trouble. We talked about how it’s OK to not like what someone does even if you love him. He then shared stories about being sexually harassed and bullied right in the classroom. Mr. Van had his seat changed, and Jason said it was “way better.”

The school handled the bullying issue well, doing some training in class without picking out anyone in particular, and confidentially. Jason and I talked about sexual harassment and bullying. Not only did Jason learn about how bullying is unacceptable, but he also learned you can love someone without liking them. On his own, he showed the bullies he cared for them – he was very humorous with them, and showed them he was confident in himself. The bullies not only stopped bothering him, they respected him, and “A” became one of his friends. He understood that “A” was joining the bullies because he didn’t want to be bullied himself.

Jason never got bullied again.

The Artist 4/10/06 (Jason is 14 yrs old)
Jason is such an amazing artist: music, graphics, photos, flash animation, stories – he takes the recognizable and makes them unrecognizable. He’s so happy in his studio, and works for hours and days on projects.

Moving to Ipswich was the best thing we ever died – an artist community, respectful and creative kids, great teachers, and school. Jason will be in high school next year taking jazz band and electronic music! He’s turning into quite the drummer!

We used to worry about Jason, but now I realize I didn’t have to. He found his passion and is self-motivated and highly confident.

Jasons’ probably the best housemate I’ve ever had (Christine was good, too) and gives me the space and quite I need, and shares fun and music and creativity and inspiration with me. He’s a bit messy in his own space, but great in shared space and doesn’t complain when I remind him of his chores. He’s really awesome. We laugh a lot together and with his friends – his friends are great kids. I don’t worry about him getting into the wrong crowd.

Trust (today’s entry)
I trusted Jason, and he trusted me. I gave him a lot of independence at 17. He didn’t tell me much about what he was doing or who he was with, but he answered questions truthfully, protecting confidentiality, and I got his word that he would mind his health and safety, and wouldn’t drive with people who were drunk or on drugs. He and his friends didn’t do that stuff (excessively), so he never had to lie to me about that. He told me he was at parties where people drank (well, duh, of course he would at some point), but they were responsible about it, and he wasn’t interested himself. What a blessing I didn’t have to deal with what most parents have to with teens. Jason didn’t have a problem saying no.

When he was almost 17 (before he told me he was gay) and he was just starting to stay home alone, I returned from a business trip to get 2 voicemails from a parent of a teenage girl looking for her daughter. When I asked Jason about it, he said that yes, a girl had visited, and he couldn’t tell me anymore. He was protecting confidentiality, but I had to know more to make sure everyone was safe. He told me that the girl did stay over, but slept on the couch (I found out a few months later that Jason was gay, but I of course jumped to stories at this particular time); she was having a hard time in her life and came from Beverly (an old school friend) to visit, but missed the train. She didn’t want to tell her parents where she was. He assured me she was safe and wasn’t suicidal or something else dangerous. I sensed Jason was being an angel to this girl, and I didn’t call her parents back (although I asked him not to put me on this position again, and he understood). They never called me, and I never did find out what the details were. After Jason died, I received several anonymous stories about students who Jason helped through suicidal thoughts and rape. I’m guessing this girl was one of those, and Jason was the only one she could trust at the time.

Jason was the most trustworthy person. He understood trust deeply at a young age.

I prefer not to use labels to categorize people, but “indigo child” is a term that has meant something to me, raising Jason as a child. Indigo children question all the old belief systems, many of which have been hurting our planet and our culture. He always asked “why” about the real important stuff, and hearing his questioning taught me how we buy into so many beliefs we don’t even realize we have. He didn’t understand why people wouldn’t love and accept each other, and taught oneness by example. He didn’t refer to himself as “spiritual”, but he was one of the most spiritual people I’ve known.

I found this entry in my journal when Jason was 9 yrs old. Jason’s journal entry from 17 yrs old follows.

The Indigo Child, 12/1/2000

Jason has come in with pretty evolved consciousness; we’ve always thought this, but now I’m tuning into it more. Some of the things that have caused us frustration as parents (such as his high energy and insistence) are things that Jason is trying to use to teach us something. As in Jump Time (a book by Jean Houston), we need to be prepared for the unexpected!
• Jason is focused in unity – he doesn’t understand judgment and punishment or other separation. He plays so well with his friends; he never fights, but they argue sometimes and work out their differences, knowing there is unity, and often with humor.
• Jason doesn’t like competitive sports – he knows it’s how you play the game, not who wins.
• Jason doesn’t like school – the 8:30-2 public school system doesn’t work for him. He didn’t want Montessori either. He called it a “play pen” for grades 1-3, and he got clear he wants more structured lessons, since he sensed the academic pressure to be an independent student. He would benefit with homeschooling, although he would miss being around other children. (I research this for the past few years and decided it would be crazy for me with an upcoming divorce, being a single working parent). I listen to him and honor his wisdom; I don’t underestimate his maturity level and ability to handle knowledge and emotions.
• He needs to learn thing his way – this has been the case since was a baby!
• He has a great sense of humor; he never gets too serious about life.
• He “dawdles” and has difficulty with transitions – he’s in his own flow.
• He always knows what he wants and lets me know.
• He is motivated by empowerment and choices.
• He doesn’t understand why his parents are the bosses. (We don’t have all the answers and we are all teachers, including Jason.) He understands why there are rules, but they have to be relevant.
• He resists his father’s intensity about nutrition and following certain special diets (“why?”), but understands that eating well is important.
• He knows God is in him.
• He likes being home – the outside world doesn’t always fit with his world of innocence and unity!
• He is able to express more now why he doesn’t like or agree with something. We are listening more, such as when he decided he didn’t want to go to Montessori school in 3rd grade.

I am going to observe more how Jason behaves with respect to his higher consciousness. I will honor his inner wisdom and see him as much a teacher for me as I am for him.

The above journey entry was written half-way through Jason’s life, and mostly held throughout his life.
Jason was one of my greatest teachers and continues to be.

I’d be happy to speak to any parents of Indigo children who are finding it challenging – it certainly was, and the journey was more than well worth the effort, with all the gifts he gave me!!

Jason wrote 16 “random” things about himself on his Facebook on 12/08. I feel he’s given me permission to share it, and it really captures his indigo-ness and self-confidence:

1) I’ve been vegetarian for 4 years now. I just don’t like eating the meat of another animal. If someone else is eating meat in front of me it’s totally cool, just don’t want to have any for myself.

2) I’m a musical composer and I’ve made a hell of a lot of stuff.

3) I’ve been really into photography as well since like 8th grade.

4) I haven’t significantly cut my hair since the summer of 7th grade. But you never know.

5) I’m an introvert, meaning I use up my energy being around people so I need a lot of alone time to regain it. (opposed to extrovert) As much as I love hanging out with friends and all, I like to spend most of my time by myself.

6) I’m really open about everything and would tell anyone pretty much anything.

7) I like, for the most part, every kind of music in existence. (like, rule out a bit of country and most children’s lol) You can tell when you see both Slipknot and Enya in my library. XD

I accept everything about everyone. If you’re the total opposite of me, that’s cool, I respect it. I might not agree with your beliefs or ideas but who says I have in order to get along?

9) I don’t even remotely associate myself with any religion or position on the question of God. The only thing on the topic of religion I’m against is when hardcore Mormons tell you if you don’t join them you’ll go to hell. The way I see it, there’s only a hell if you create one for yourself.

10) I’m gay. No, I don’t associate myself with rainbows and I don’t do the stereotypical flip of the hand. No, I don’t have an obnoxious voice all female friends. No, I don’t try to come on to every guy I see or would even want to. I simply like other guys. That’s… all being gay means. XD

11) I appreciate beauty in everything, may it be a landscape or the rust on a building.

12) I don’t like dealing with absurdly immature people (aka about half of the freshman class) or people who are so annoying that they’ll most likely be shot some day for pissing off some huge guy with a rifle. lol

13) I don’t like the extremes of both pessimism or optimism. When you’re so happy you try to ignore everything bad that’s happening, you’re only creating more problems. And of course, when the only thing you ever do is piss and moan about random shit that’s happened to you doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

14) It’s soooo frustrating when movies have terrible endings. It’s like, everything’s going so great and get better and better and better until right when someone opens their mouth to say something the screen goes black and the ending credits come up. >.>

15) When people can’t type with at least somewhat proper grammar online to save their life. Or when conversations go hey, wuts up, nmu, nm jc. and then no one says anything else for two hours when someone says g2g cya, kk bye. Is your life seriously that boring? XD

16) I’m extremely sensitive. If I’m completely useless when I’m trying to help or do or say something really stupid, it really gets to me and I start to sulk. I also pick up heavily on other’s emotions. If there’s a sad atmosphere about some place I’ll start to get a little sad, or if everyone’s laughing I might start too even if I don’t know what for.

The first time I lost a dear person in my life was when my friend Joanie died after getting pneumonia after a bone marrow transplant, about 12 yrs ago. I went to see her in the hospital when she was fighting the pneumonia and was unconscious. I trusted she could hear me, and I spoke to her soothingly, assuring her that all would be fine; her daughter was there doing the same. She died peacefully that evening. Looking back, I know she got the message from me to relax and let happen what was going to happen without resistance, whatever that was (we didn’t know she was going to die). I felt honored to have been there to help prepare her for her passage.

At her funeral service, I looked outside and had an experience I never had before. I saw Joanie everywhere in nature, and I felt her presence so strongly. Joanie taught me so much about connecting with earth spirits; she was one herself. She had been merged with them all along, and now more freely without a body. Whenever I think of Joanie I see her in the trees, the flowers, and the sky.

My father was dying of complications from Alzheimer’s five years ago in hospice; his body was strong enough they thought it would take days for him to pass without food, and this was the first evening there. I wasn’t feeling well, so I didn’t rush over to see him 2 hrs away when my sister called to say he was breathing hard; he had done this three times before and survived weeks more in the hospital. I planned to go the next day, but it was too late.

That evening I sent him distance Reiki. As I was doing this, I felt his spirit come to me so strongly, in a way I had never experienced, feeling peace I hadn’t felt about him in the years he was struggling with his disease. As I was finishing, I got the call from my sister that he had just passed.

Two days later, when grief was pouring out about the loss of my father, grieving the past 2 years of suffering with him in his disease, and grieving that I didn’t get the closeness I had wanted from my father, he came to me. I was lying asleep on the couch, and I felt someone come in to the room and sit on the couch mattress; I felt the cushion depress with his weight. I was half asleep and opened my eyes and didn’t see anyone. Inside my head I felt the presence of a light being, neon blue, exuding so much love. It was my father, without the disease, free of human bondage, expanded in the love he always felt for me and my siblings, expressing this freely now. He told me he wants us to be happy, especially my sister, who had suffered the most with his disease, being his primary caregiver in R.I.

After receiving this message, I felt so much gratitude for having had in my life. I saw a completely different perspective now, that I had received such blessings from him – intelligence, such passion for life, and confidence to create whatever I want. This is what he was as a doctor – it was his passion to heal others, and I got my healership from him as well as my intuitive mother. I learned more about my father at the funeral from all those who came to tell us what an amazing person he was, saving so many lives, teaching them about medicine, sharing his gifts with no financial interests (in fact, he is the only doctor I’ve ever known who declared bankruptcy; he wasn’t a businessman.) My father was happiest at work, and I finally understood that it wasn’t his dharma to be a father in this lifetime. But he gave us so much in other ways. My soul chose him as my father in this lifetime for reasons that finally became clear when he passed and I could get the messages more clearly.

Communication can be clearer in many ways when the spirit is freed from the body-mind-ego. I’ve been experiencing this with Jason’s spirit, and that is why I am often feeling the gratitude even stronger than the sadness. I chose Jason as my son in this lifetime, to give and receive gifts, and I have.

I posted the first shared message on Jason’s Facebook Wall today. I didn’t want to feel like an intruder into his private life, with so many dear friends pouring their hearts out in messages written to Jason. It felt right to join in, and his friends know that I have been reading his Facebook since he passed. It is another way to communicate with my friend Jason, just like all his other friends are doing. And it felt so good – it brought forth tears that joined in the waterfall of tears shared by all these on-line souls, a ritual of cleansing and sharing in the journey of life and death.

We are all connected.

Here’s a poem Jason wrote May-June 2009 that speaks to me of connecting with the other side:
A subtle shift in the movement of the clouds
This canopy of dim protection
Something quiet, something still
A lull in space and time until

A heightening fog in the growth of the dawn
This ominous birth of something new
Always quiet, never still
A crack in space and time until

I felt Jason’s presence at the Thanksgiving table when I joked about how our dear vegetarian Jason could join us for the first time in this wonderful meal without getting repulsed by the smell of meat. Humor was always a way we connected. I could sense his joy with everyone’s laughter and lightness, reminiscing old times without needing to dwell on the loss.

I’ve written about how I have received messages from Jason (such as Message 29 Bridging the Worlds), and I have been curious about why some of the messages have been so clear, when so many people don’t receive as clear messages from their departed, and others received even clearer ones. I feel blessed to feel Jason with me, and also believe that anyone can connect with the other side if they believe they can.

I communicated best with Jason non-verbally when he was alive, and I believe that’s why I could communicate with him right away when he passed. When he was alive, he spent a lot of time on the other side, being a visionary, doing his creative work, not being as grounded on this plane, finding his way into adulthood with some resistance of being in the “real world”, and having profound spiritual experiences with his art and with Art of Living courses (including 5 days of silence a few weeks before he passed – I’ve never done that!). He already knew how to connect from that side, and he taught me when he was alive. I of course believed in the world of spirit outside the body for many years, with the Vedic and Buddhist philosophies and meditation and shamanic practices, and hanging out with my healer friends who speak about the world of spirit perhaps as much as the physical plane.

I’ve heard many bereaved parents say they wished they could connect with their child’s spirit, as if they weren’t already. Then I hear them share how they feel a blanket of peace in bed that feels like what it was like to be with their child, or see their child in a store, or feel them in their heart in a special way. I believe any of these ways of connecting is communicating with their spirit. When we recognize it as that, then we attract more connection. We shift to believing that we can connect.

I was awake at 4:44 AM after not being able to sleep and decided to tune into Jason. I looked at the digital clock again sideways, and saw the 4:44 upside down as hh:h. I got that sense that a communication was happening, and I heard Jason’s ha ha ha, just pulling my leg, lightening me up to help me sleep. It worked.

I got the message to write this blog. I’m being told I have a lot to share with others on a similar grieving journey, and with others who can benefit from my experiences in other ways. So I keep writing, and I know it is healing for at least one person – me.

Fake it til you make it. I wrote about this in Imagination 9/9/09.

When I want connection with Jason, I pretend he is there, communicating with him the way we used to, listening to music in the car as if he were enjoying it with me, making silly noises that he would return with 50-fold silliness and creativity, feeling him hug my back or cuddle with me on the couch with the TV. When we believe, we create.

Everything is energy. Quantum physicists have proven this. Our body is energy. Every matter is energy. Thoughts are energy. Beliefs are energy. Memories are energy. What’s the difference? The only difference is form and how we perceive the form.

If we can’t see it, we can assume it is not there. How often are humans told as children to stop making things up and grow up? What if we never got those messages? What if we were brought up the way Jason was, being able to experience the magic of everything “real” and “unreal” without being judged? I’m learning from the one I taught, without realizing what I was creating, and now reaping the benefits.

Then there are the numerous beliefs about what happens to the spirit after the body dies. Does it go to heaven? Does it go to hell? Does it linger on earth resolving unfinished business? Does it go right into another life? So if there is life after death, then that means we can’t connect with that person’s spirit anymore?

I believe that when the body drops, the ego-mind drops as well. The spirit is finally free of ego and limitations, able to expand and experience the infinite peace that perhaps wasn’t achievable in the body, that was tied to the active mind controlling perceived reality. The spirit may carry ego patterns with it to another life, and the next mind-body may pick up those old limitations to work out in that next lifetime.

I also believe time doesn’t exist. Scientists can’t prove it does. The movie What the Bleep talks about parallel universes and infinite possibilities at all times. I believe that the soul is available all the “time”, in the body, out of the body, in the next body. It is always available.

It is my goal to have soul communication when I am in my body, way before I die, trusting it continues when my body drops, and experiencing the unbounded wonder as much as possible NOW, in every moment. Connecting with Jason’s spirit, his essence, is giving me more access to what this feels like, and that is such a gift. I become more aware of the human limitations, and I am getting better at accepting them when I am not able to move past them. I hold myself, as I held Jason as a child when he had his tantrums, feeling so limited by his small young body. We all have so much to express in life!

So enjoy faking it til you make it, making what you want to create in your life, including connections with all the wonderful souls you find in this lifetime and beyond.

Blessings,
Michelle

Celebrating Jason’s life is celebrating my own.

Jason’s memorial service August 10 was a celebration of his life. When we celebrate life, we feel aliveness.

I saw endless radiant faces at the end of Jason’s ceremony, including my own. There were tears of sadness, mixed with the joy of having shared time on this earth with this awesome soul, and discovering more and more about what he gave to others and how he fit so much into his life before he passed. There was a tidal wave of inspiration, and as we swam in the disorientation, submerged in the unknown, we felt the unconditional love of our dear Jason and all the love we have shared reflected back to us. We danced to the drums of his soul’s rhythm, and sang “Love Is All There Is”, swaying in the collective consciousness. I will never forget the joy of sharing this with my friends and Jason’s friends together, both generations merged, as Jason and I were and are merged in spirit.

It was this consciousness that held me up through my sharing (the “Lighten Up” message) and the one-hour receiving line. It was like a mystical dream, hugged by so many loving people, many I haven’t seen in years and many of his friends I finally got to meet, who came out to celebrate Jason and support us. I don’t think I shed one tear in that timeless hour, and I treasured all of the stories people shared about Jason and how he touched their life and made them laugh and be in awe. I was in the moment, the way Jason has always taught me to be, enjoying each gift.

So many shared how this was the most beautiful ceremony they have ever experienced. Those not readily open to the “spiritual” scene shared how much they liked the slow trance-like Art of Living chanting of Om Namo Shivaya; high school students have since mentioned they would like to have this open a tribute evening to Jason’s music that they are planning. Others commented on how different this ceremony was, not the somber serious kind. Jason didn’t like religion because there was too much dogma for him, and he wouldn’t have chosen to go to church. But the church was an awesome place for this gathering, and he would have loved the modern stained glass windows. He definitely got a kick out of the sweat lodge that was unintentionally created when the AC didn’t function; it was a shamanic experience for all, and we survived!

The ceremony was created from love and attention to beauty, by our dear friends and those who Jason also knew and loved in life. Annika put her heart and soul into planning the ceremony, and it was perfect that she had recently been ordained minister so she could have this special role. The candle and rose petal rituals were powerful, and the space was created for magic. My brother Michael put his heart and soul into writing the eulogy that captured Jason perfectly and created awe in the room of celebration. Caren opened with her angelic voice and singing bowl; the high school students thought that was pretty awesome, too. My friend Michael shared his gift of Celtic song, and gave me the special pre-ceremony gift of doing soul song with me, that prepared me well for this special evening. My sister Mariana and niece Nicole prepared beautiful framed photos and collages of Jason’s life, with the help of my mom Blanca; this provided an enchanting hallway for the long receiving line. My brother Al came out from California, representing his wife Nancy and dear nieces Mia and Talia (who created the sweetest cards) to be there for whatever I needed, with his miles of errands, endless energy, and technical support for the slideshow. Ravi provided a great sound system; Jason was pleased at how his music sounded. My dear friend Marie-Ann, who told the story of how drumming tunes into the spirit, jumped on a plane from Texas with her children (and Jason’s “cousins”, having grown up together) Julia and Christopher, who contributed hours of electronic support and retrieval of photos for the ceremony, along with my nephew Jeremy (who inherited Jason’s drums to start using his natural talent!). It was so special to have Jason’s best friends sitting up front with the family and Jason’s godmother M.A., and hearing Gus and Noah share their amazingly articulated and heartfelt thoughts about Jason. The written sharings of all who attended are treasures, along with so many heartful cards and emails we received.

And of course the best part of the ceremony was the part Jason created – a slideshow of his photography and his music. I couldn’t help but rock my body to the beat of his WestWinds song – it felt so powerful, and it felt he was there rocking with me.

The reception couldn’t have happened without Kerry, Sarah, and others in the kitchen coordinating hundreds of potluck items (why potluck, some asked? It is more personal, receiving a piece of everyone’s hearts, and Jason and I love it that way.) The marimba playing by Jason’s talented percussion ensemble-mate Steve, and the drumming circle led by Jon, Lisa, and Ukumbwa lent the magical soundscape that Jason and I always thrived on. I am hearing piecemeal details of the ceremony, and all that my family and friends did to keep it running. There were so many people from far away that were there with us, and so many behind the scenes that did so much. Joan prepared the program and had it printed without me having to know any details – so much was manifested magically. All of my friends and family were in service, helping seat people, comforting the sad, being with me. I felt continually supported, and local friends like Charlene, Dianna, Bobbie, and Lakshmi were just there for me and Kule and Chuck. The healing we received from dear friends and powerful healers like Patrick, Bobbie, Gail, Marie-Ann, Liz, Nancy, and Tony revitalized me. The Avatar and Art of Living practices that Kule and I do have been incredibly supportive. The nurturing we received with massage (thanks especially to Jenny!) and the abundance of food that was brought to us during that challenging time is indescribable. So many thanks to all who supported us in so many ways. I could spend another page acknowledging individuals, and I know you know how grateful I am.

Spreading Jason’s ashes in Hull with Erin’s ashes with her family, in “Jason’s cove” in Gloucester with Chuck’s and my family, and in “Jason’s swimhole” in NH with Kule and “auntie” Christine were all incredibly powerful rituals in celebrating his life, returning him to the earth and water that he enjoyed so much in his time here. I’ve written about these rituals in the Messages, and the photos capture the magic.

I will never forget the bonding that Chuck, Kule, and I have had since we got the news at the hospital. It’s an incredible blessing to have a life partner who cares about my ex-husband Chuck the way I do. Chuck helped to manifest Jason, who always wanted his parents to be happy, and accepted his parents’ partners as extended family. I am so grateful to all three of them.

We are all family. A toast to all of us at Thanksgiving as we share life’s harvest.
Love,
Michelle

Even though Jason might not have used that exact phrase, that was his mantra. He is telling me this quite loudly this morning.

It’s also an old favorite song from an amazing musician Bobby McFerrin. I couldn’t remember his name, and I got it when I turned on Music Choice on my TV this morning – the first song was one by Bobby McFerrin. Another gift from spirit, aka Jason!

Jason would tell me often not to worry. He would be intense about letting me know, too. When he was a small child, his father Chuck and I would call him our barometer. He would react to stress in the house by fussing and annoying us physically or with sounds. He could be intensely funny, to lighten up situations. As a teenager he would tell us directly and commandingly to stop worrying, sometimes to the point of seeming rude. But he was always right. I often let him know that.

He’s nagging me now. He’s making ridiculous sounds and faces to get my attention, to make me laugh and be in the moment. It’s actually working, Jason. I can’t see you, but I can feel you doing this, like old times. You’re getting me to laugh and cry at the same time. You are giving me a tremendous gift, reminding me to enjoy life no matter what. I know you want me to be happy, no doubt about that. I know I can be happy even though I lost a child, no doubt about that. I trust you are where your soul wants to be, and I am working on trusting that my soul is where I want to be.

So what am I worried about? Us humans can worry about anything. But we forget we have the ability to choose what we worry about. I’m not choosing to worry about not having friends or money or other essential things in life, I know I will always have what I need on the physical plane. What Jason is reminding me is that I can have whatever I want in life at the level of spirit.

I discovered a worry last night. I discovered I am worried that I will let Jason down; he is giving me so many gifts in his passing. Will I fully “follow my passion” as he has done? I am choosing to worry about this at some level. Just writing about it brings more awareness.

Jason wants me to be happy, to be in the moment. Worrying takes me out of the moment.

His mantra is actually:
Don’t Worry – Be

So then my mind says “What do I want to be?” “Who do I want to be?” “How do I want to be?” “Where do I want to be?” …….then I see how silly my mind can get.

But I’ve not only lost my precious son, I’ve lost an identity of being a mother, living in Ipswich, making a certain living to maintain our lifestyle and help Jason through college, etc etc. It’s brought up a lot of emotion, confusion. I’m in a huge integration process. Jason is helping me big time by telling me not to worry, to just Be and that will be Me, and that will make me happy.

He’s so right.

Last night he gave me the idea to write down all the things I would do if I didn’t have to make money. I felt some excitement; he’s on to something here. I thought of so many things I do now, even in my corporate work, that I would do because I enjoy doing them. I had just returned from teaching a course in Northeastern to pharmacy graduate students. I had a great time with them, I enjoy teaching and helping others meet their goals. I thought of so many other things, such as music and writing and dancing and travel. I got cozy in bed with a pad of paper, ready to write so much, feeling it would give me such comfort and passion.

I wrote: Be.
Then I felt complete and slept through the night.

Jason, just keep reminding me the way you always have. You’re awesome.

P.S. A week ago we had a powerful house blessing, a generous gift from Mary Stewart of FengShui Boston. On the altar Kule and I included items representing what we want to manifest going forward in our new life, next to pictures of us and Jason. I put my CD recordings next to Jason’s CD to inspire getting my album together and recording more music, titles of books I plan to write, and intentions for teaching about manifesting, grieving, and living life fully. It’s not a coincidence that I went through the California wave and these strong reminders from Jason. It’s all helped me to continue to integrate. Last night I used the Intuition aromatherapy (“aura infusion”), a gift from Bobbie Courtney, before going to sleep. It’s not a coincidence that Jason came in strongly this morning; I’m so guided and supported.

And I’m almost ready to dance, my ankle is strong again!

See www.jasonmichellefoster.blogspot.com for all of Jason’s messages and writings of my grieving journey.

Being in San Diego this past week for a conference brought up a lot for me, and it felt like a dream. Last time I was in California was with Jason, and I was missing him so much. I was reminded of how much he liked California and saw himself going to college there. It reminded me of my dream to move somewhere warm and adventurous with Kule, like California, when Jason went to college next year. Maybe we would have moved together. Yes, we will move together, we will always be together. We are together now, and yet I miss him so much. It feels so unreal. Nothing is real except the present moment.

My trip was a journey in exploring the present moment, the beauty that brings, and the deeper connection I get with Jason and anyone, dead or alive. It was a hard journey, and also rich with gifts.

I enjoyed being in the moment in my pleasant interactions with work colleagues, and getting closer to friends. I was in my flow delivering my presentation with my session speakers, and it was well received. I was very present with my new client, and it flowed. My past fears about both of those events dissolved. It was a blessing that my first business trip away from my grieving cocoon was in a small conference, in a city I really like, with many people I know well and who know about my loss and who welcomed me with caring thoughts and hugs. My healing sprained ankle was happy not to have to walk too far in this small venue at my hotel. I hobbled up to my room at the end of the day, bathed and iced my ankle, got room service, and went to bed Boston time. It was easy to ignore small voices in my head telling me I’m missing out on great business networking and fun out on the town. I was taking care of myself, and I was surprised at how exhausted I was. I’ve been told grief can be exhausting, and I’ve thrown jet lag and a sprained ankle on top of that. That hotel bed felt so unbelievably good. I felt held. I slept like a baby.

I sat in presence on a beach bench in Del Mar, feeling the sun warm me, the light breeze caress me, and the surfer waves wash over me. I got lost in the consciousness of all there is. I let the tears flow as I looked around for signs of Jason in the clouds, wishing he were with me, sitting with me in his deep presence, and with his camera, capturing the beauty in his way. I watched my mind, and tried an experiment.

Instead of looking actively for Jason in nature and in my memories, I connected with the love of the divine mother embracing me. I immediately felt my deep motherly love for Jason, and felt his presence strongly. I was reminded how powerfully love brings me into the beauty of the moment.

I stayed with friends in San Diego, welcomed warmly into their beautiful home. I had been crying through a wave of grief on the way to their house, and conversation with my friend Maureen about grieving and spirituality brought me back into that presence, enjoying fully my time with her and her family. I received the divine mother embrace. It didn’t even trigger me when I found out their teenage son was a tecchie, just like Jason. It was a joy watching Maureen cuddle with her daughter, as I used to do with Jason when he was younger. As I was driving to the airport, I found my mind being active again, wondering what I am doing and where I will end up, being in post-loss transition. I was able to be with the thoughts and the feelings, as hard as it was, without judgments or expectations. It’s just what is right now.

I wanted to be alone at dinner in the airport, and I was placed next to two overly-friendly Floridian businessman on their way back from Shanghai. Another opportunity to be in the moment. I truly enjoyed their congeniality; enjoying them enjoying themselves. I am never alone.

Another gift, this one was certainly from Jason. It’s the first time I’ve travelled where I could see land the entire journey, from San Diego to Chicago. This was the land he loved most – the Southwest, and it was showing me its greatest beauty – the vast desert, sculpted canyons, ancient riverbeds, glaciers, snow-topped peaks, and endless mountains. I felt I was seeing this through his camera, with mystical lighting and filter effects created by the distant clouds and setting sun. It was breathtaking, and I got to share it with Jason, capturing a few photos as he used to do. The last leg from Chicago to Boston was the same leg we shared coming back from San Francisco in July, a week before he passed to the other side. I watched comedy shows, reminiscing our laughter together on that trip, and practiced being in the moment.

I was in Kule’s arms again. I had held back the tears on the plane, and now the dam was up and the flood of tears came, releasing more. This was my current moment, and then I was present with Kule, in that joy.

So this is grief. This is life. Being with what is, all the contrasts of experiences. Grateful for all the gifts….

Will I move to California? I don’t know. What I do know is that I can be at home anywhere I am when I stay in the moment and connected to love.

That’s the spirit of California, feeling the warmth and aliveness!
It was so great travelling with you again, Jason, dude.

Love,
Mom

I’m curious to get any comments on this, and if there is anything else you got from Jason’s 30 messages. They’ve helped me so much on my grieving journey. Many are reminders of what I’ve embraced, but how they came to me through my connection with Jason was very powerful.

1) We limit ourselves with our minds; if we believe this, we can see more options to create what we want.
2) Love is eternal; it is the only thing that really exists. Go into your heart, that’s where the important answers are, not our minds. We have access to everything through love.
3) When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us.
4) Know that we are all precious beings, connected by a higher power. Treat ourselves and others as precious and we will feel connected and supported. Be fully who you are.
5) Follow your passion, it will bring you fulfillment. Live your life fully, and this inspires others to live their lives fully. Pay It Forward – Help other people follow their passion, to empower your own.
6) We connect with our loved ones, alive or departed, through our love and fond memories of them, including play and humor. We can “lighten up” to experience the uplifting memories, to feel their energy with us, uplifting us, as if they were right there with us.
7) We communicate with others, alive or departed, through their essence, or spirit, in many non-verbal ways that are often more powerful than verbal. We capture the essence of ourselves and others through art, music, and other creative expression that help us see the beauty and preciousness of everything. Our dreams help us to connect with our essence without being hindered by the mind’s beliefs.
There are no rules, there is only the mind and what it chooses to believe. Our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. That’s our illusion.
9) Gratitude connects us with our heart and helps us to manifest more to be grateful for. Practice being grateful often.
10) If we accept death, we embrace life. We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer. Death often happens to serve a higher purpose that might not be clear with our minds for some time. Trust in the cycle of life and death, of cleansing, renewal, and rebirth.
11) Surrender. Let go of the ego and feeling the need to control. Let the love and healing in. Let go of old beliefs and patterns that don’t serve you anymore, and open your heart and your mind to receiving the new that does serve you. We are held by a higher power, the divine.
12) There is nothing to be afraid of. Don’t be afraid of your own shadow, your beliefs that dictate what you experience.
13) Wisdom comes in many forms, and often not what we expect – from dreams (the unknown), from an inner knowing (intuition), from young people (“old souls”), and from nature. Be open to learning new things and ways; lift your filters. Gifts are waiting to be received if we are open to seeing them.
14) We attract and create family, loving community, wherever we are, if we believe this can happen.
15) We are never alone. There is a higher power with us all the time; our guides, angels, and our higher self. You can connect with the essence of your departed loved ones as if they were with you, feeling their love and support. Just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean it ain’t there!
16) Believe in Oneness – There is no separation, we are all connected.
17) Enjoy Being. Practice Presence, releasing your over-focused attention on the past, worries of the future, etc. The ultimate joy is in being in the moment, being present to the now, seeing the beauty of all. This is the secret to happiness.

A tsunami has destructive energy that reminds me of the goddess Kali. She destroys that which no longer serves us – the ego, old patterns, fears, and limitations to our evolution. She holds us in divine love through the chaos, giving us courage to ride the storm.

I believe that when someone dies, enormous energy is passed through those connected with that soul, like a tidal wave or an atomic explosion. There is the experience of shock and disbelief. There appears to be major loss and unfairness. So much crashes in on us – feelings, memories, and thoughts that are so intense and hard for our nervous systems to handle. This includes the overwhelming love that sweeps over us. There is also so much that floats to the surface, after the huge waves churn us up. It washes up on the beach, waiting to be cleared. With each burial or burning of debris, there is a clearing of energy, making way for the renewal and building of what is desired. It’s a lot of work. It’s exhausting. It’s grief.

Grief is so complex. It’s not just about missing someone. There is so much that surfaces; it’s an opportunity to see more clearly what is waiting to get healed – the beliefs and fears and limitations to what we want to create in life. The loss is felt on the physical plane, and yet so much was stirred up from the depths of the sea, treasures we might not have found otherwise. We realize we gained in some ways more than we lost. We discover more about ourselves and feel the resurfacing of our own beauty and power. When we love someone so much, that love is returned to us in their death. Even strangers who heard about Jason’s story were moved to feeling some significant personal growth, some healing within themselves. We are all connected.

Grief takes attention, which requires time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to grieve and for how long. It’s such a personal experience, and no one can really understand it but you. I do find support in sharing with other parents who’ve lost their children, especially those who are spiritually focused. It is a unique type of loss, and those who have not lost children can’t truly understand, although they may have tremendous compassion. Surround yourself with those who care, even if they don’t understand, and support you to grieve the way you need to. It’s so important to have this retreat time to reflect and process. There is an opportunity to go very deep into yourself to find treasures. It’s not about “moving on”, it’s about “moving in” and really discovering who you are.

I have no problem saying that I will be grieving Jason forever. I feel the pain of it less and less over time, and seeing what I have gained more and more. I feel daily twinges of pain for the physical loss and the loss of missed opportunities on this physical plain, and that is normal for us physical-plane-centered humans. I also feel a great opening to other worlds of connecting with Jason and other guides and spirits, realizing that this physical world is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’ve written about what I have been learning about grief in several other writings about my grieving journey. I’ve watched guilt and regrets come up and I am blessed to have the awareness and tools to release them; I’m on the lookout for those trying to hide. I’ve witness myself in so many beliefs that I was able to ask “Do I really want to believe this?” and then shift to choosing what I want, to create the reality I want. I see so many people stuck in beliefs that bring them down into a depression that is so hard to come out of, because it is anchored by such strong beliefs that they aren’t even aware of. I don’t believe that children shouldn’t die before their parents. I don’t believe I will be devastated by Jason’s death. If I did believe those things, then my experience would be very different, and not what I really want to create in my life.

In the wake of the tsunami, miracles happen. Long-term depression, anxiety, and stuckness of loved ones have cleared; life is too short to sweat the small stuff. People are inspired to live their lives fully; Jason’s senior year class printed T-shirts with “Follow Your Passion – JF” on the back in memory of Jason’s impact on so many. I am personally seeing limitations I was in denial of, and am seeing a clearer path past them to creating what I want in my life. I am a different person, feeling Jason’s influence in me so solidly. I feel Jason cheering me on, telling me to not to worry and go for it, with a Jason-sound and a Jason-hug to go with the energy!

I’m riding the waves and letting them carry me.
Quoting Jason– “It’s definitely more fun than drowning!”

P.S. I just remembered after writing this that I used to have recurring dreams about watching a tidal wave come at me on the beach, with nowhere to go for safety. I have been so intrigued with the tsunami in Thailand, reading personal accounts of the survivors. Interesting…

I am reflecting upon and exploring my connection with Jason through sound and music. I am confident we can communicate through this connection in his new form.

When I was pregnant with Jason I discovered improvisation. My mind had always been steadfast in believing I couldn’t play my viola without reading music. During my pregnancy I was singing with some kirtan musicians who encouraged me to play along on my instrument. In a meditative state I played around with sounds from my viola until I could tune in and trust where my fingers would go to play the right notes. The feedback from my new fans propelled me into my career as gifted improviser. Within a few years I could do this without needing to be in meditation; I could set my controlling mind aside and follow the guidance of music spirits. I wasn’t playing my instrument – Spirit was and continues to play it for me, as I step out of the way! Jason grew up with this influence, but I’m guessing his presence got it all going in the first place!

Jason always responded to sound and music. I think all babies do, but Jason always added a unique flair to every experience, giving and receiving. We communicated with sounds. He let me know he was OK with his sounds. In fact, if he wasn’t playing with his voice or other sounds as a toddler, I wondered if something was up and I would go check on him. He was always listening to the subtlety of sound. He trained to be a gifted percussionist and composer his entire life, just by listening and being with the vibrations. It was more than being brought up with parents who played music. He was a sound researcher, and he received messages through sound.

Jason loved to sing. As a young child he memorized beautiful long complicated Sanskrit chants. He preferred memorizing all the long latin names of plants, as opposed to the common names, in books on plants that he wanted me to read to him before he could read. He also learned quickly, with his wonderful sense of humor, how to lighten up any situation with ridiculous sounds. He also knew how to “torture” me with sound, such as when he and Julie or Katie or Calandra would repeat songs incessantly because they knew they were driving me crazy, a fun game we would play

Jason loved being sung to. When he was stuck doing homework, I would play with my voice and accents to get him out of his stuckness and enjoy the moment. When he was older and got stuck in his communication with me, I would play with my voice to get his attention and be light about our communication. We would play a lot with sound together. Our silliness always involved ridiculous sounds.

Jason loved listening to all kinds of music. He was always doing his research. We enjoyed listening to CDs together in the car, being present with each other in our common interest of listening to sound and tuning into the spirit of the sound, getting ideas for our own improvisations or compositions, and often sharing them. Jason introduced me to many new genres of music that I wouldn’t have found on my own, and I am grateful. I have been listening to his CD mixes in the car as he rides next to me, feeling the music vibrations and his smile.

When Ben, my former partner and a gifted musician and sound healer, and our healing music ensemble Bluegate (with Christine and Kem) played music, Jason listened and was one of our biggest fans. He enjoyed joining me and my soundhealing friends with drums in our sound healing circles, resurfacing from his music studio as a teenager to join us in sound, even if he wasn’t up for conversation. In his early teens, Jason was drawn to hanging with Ben at our home in Beverly and then in New York City (Ben moved there when we moved to Ipswich) with Ben’s son and one of Jason’s closest friends Noah, jamming with the wild musicians, and playing with many different instruments. Although Jason’s main instrument was the drum set (that he quickly learned, being a natural in coordinating all 4 limbs to play complex rhythms), he played around with the keyboard, guitars, and many wild-sounding instruments such as the waterphone that played whale sounds. When we found the waterphone in a hole-in-the-wall music store in Greenwich Village in New York City, Jason grabbed it and insisted on helping to pay for it because he just had to have that sound.

Jason was influenced by Ben to sample sounds from different instruments or household noisemakers, gargling voices, drums, Tibetan bowls, natural thunder, and even the sound of a toilet flushing or a garage door opening (the song Grand Opening). He would slow these sounds down, change the pitch, and do other creative and technical things to these sounds, transforming them into soundscapes that transport us to magical places. He managed to get a sound out of a Thai stringed instrument called the Saw-U (that I never figured out how to play well) and transform it into etheric sounds from magical creatures – in Enocenip of his first CD, Drinnel. Jason was a natural sound healer and composer; he tuned in to the sound and the spirit of the sound, and shared the products of his connection with the magical world of sound with us. He could have composed for movie soundtracks; perhaps his music will make it there someday!

On the lighter side, Jason and his friends Gus, Dustin, Andy, and a few other guests created the DiabeticBunnyDucks CDs – Your Face Is Huge, Grow A Lung, and Leap of Filth; 2005-2008 collections of intentionally bad (and sometimes actually quite creative) music with silly sounds and lyrics that get anyone laughing. (I’m working on The Best of DB, sounds that the older generations can listen to without having to turn the volume down!).

I recently set up my portable recording studio next to Jason’s desk in his studio downstairs, now a memorial to his photography, music, and his life. With a little technical support, I will be recording my music side by side with Jason and his inspiration. Jason – I plan to put those tracks on a few of the pieces we talked about; I hope you like it!

Jason always communicated with sound in interesting ways, and I will continue to communicate with him with creative sound!

Time to slow down, put my feet up (literally), and really learn to trust in the balance. I literally lost my balance when my ankle gave out going down my front step 2 days ago. It’s a freaking living metaphor! The day before, I had worked on an affirmation to manifest this balance of work (that gotta start making money feeling of pressure) and grieving and taking care of myself, and my wish came true.

My first reaction after hearing the snap of my ankle and feeling my body slam on the concrete, was the expected one – oh shit, why did this have to happen on top of everything else I’ve had to go through lately? I told those voices in my head to go away; I wasn’t buying into this being difficult. There had to be a reason this happened, and I figured it out pretty quickly, once I dragged myself into the house and managed to get ice on my ankle, waiting for a neighbor to bring me ibuprofen.

Another emotional roller coaster. I had to hush up some other voices that were complaining I had to ask for help again, hating to burden Kule and others. Last night I was tired and a bit down, but this morning I woke up cheerful, grateful that I was never in any significant pain, the swelling is down, and I can put weight on it with the help of Dianna’s crutches. I am mobile again, yay!

The next thing I knew I was being pulled into a meeting with Jason on the other side, where he did some pretty cool healing on my ankle, and then I realized that he was doing it all along. I felt him with me the moment I fell, feeling comfort at the time that I wasn’t truly alone. He gave me strength and hope. I got to hang with him again during a session with medium Nancy Smeltzer this morning; I felt the balance move in along with the rapid healing of my ankle.

The reminder that Jason is always there for me was enough. I’m not expecting any more sprained ankles for a while – I get the message!

The funny thing is – I’ve been more relaxed and productive with my client work since I sprained my ankle than I have in the 3 months since Jason passed. Interesting, huh?

Jason didn’t relate to being a healer; his parents were healers, so why would he choose that word to describe himself?! He definitely believed in the healing he received by his parents and many others in his life, but he didn’t identify with that label for himself. He was also humble about everything. I’ve been a bit too humble about telling people how awesome my son is, and so now’s my chance.

Jason touched many lives in such a short time. He was a secretive healer. I will never know how many lives he’s healed (will we ever know how many lives any of us heal in our lifetime?), but I’ve had the opportunity to witness hundreds of messages (see some quoted below) in Facebook and DeviantArt from grateful friends – so many people who didn’t know Jason in person, and received so much from him over the internet. His spirit was always so powerful, he didn’t need a physical presence to exude that. Many people have told me how they met Jason just once and were very impressed with his light, his peaceful energy, and his presence. His compassion is enormous, and he needed to share it with as many people as he possibly could.

Staying up late on the computer doing Facebook and instant messaging created conflicts for me as a parent wanting my teen to get enough rest. When I threatened to take the PC away after a certain hour, Jason looked at me with his “yes, Mom I absolutely know what is good for me” look and told me how much it helped him. I knew that he received a lot of support from his friends, and when he was ill (most of his last year) he needed that more than ever. We negotiated time on the computer, but like most teens he didn’t get enough rest. I’m so glad now I didn’t take most of that time away from him. I know now that there were many people that were receiving so much from Jason.

He wrote in his journal about how good it felt to help other people, even if they didn’t seem to express any gratitude. He wrote that it was “selfish” to want to help people because of how good it felt, so it was OK that others didn’t acknowledge it. Jason understood unconditional love.

I found out during the ceremony (with so many young people waiting in the 1 hr receiving line) four days after his death more about Jason’s healership – how we helped friends move past suicidal thoughts, a friend who was raped and at first trusted no one but Jason, friends who would have dropped out of school if it hadn’t been for Jason. He spent lunches tutoring friends in math to help them finish high school. He truly healed and empowered so many at such a young age.

Jason was empathic, and I believe that was hard for him but he learned how to be with it. He knew he was psychic and he received support in regular sessions with Gail Byrnes to strengthen his boundaries. He wrote:

The sad and the hungry
The shit on TV
I feel it

The mad and the hopeless
A lamb in its cage
All here now
I feel it

I found the pass key

The sound of the rain.
The burn from the sun.

Jason is doing a lot of healing on the other side. That gives me comfort in my grief and pride as a mother.

I’ve been told by The Lighted Ones in a channeling session that Jason is not alone; he is healing with many others. He is also a pioneer (see the message Planting Seeds). He was in life, and will always be!

“I have learned that sometimes it’s not about how long one lives for it’s about how ‘well’ one lives. People can go on breathing forever and still not be able to touch a single life, but Jason touched a million people at such a tender age-and someone said that ‘age’ should be counted through the number of people you touch. If that really is the case, then I can say without any hesitation-Jason lived for infinite years, and that is a miracle. Just remember that.:)” – an internet friend

“Jason, you created so much beauty and passion in such a short time. You inspire me with your dedication and love.” – a close friend

“Deep down inside I know that Jason has helped me to learn and grow. He taught me to laugh instead of cry.” – a close friend

“Jason was one of the kindest souls. Thank you for doing such a loving job being his guides in this world.” –science teacher.

“I will always remember Jason’s gentle spirit and his ability at 13 to transcend the boundaries of Middle School social strata. He was always so kind, so full of life and light.” – 8th grade math teacher

“Jason may have only lived to be 17, but in that time he has helped so many people and done so many great things. I’m going to live my life twice as hard because his was cut short. Your son is the most amazing person I think I will ever meet and you should be so proud.” – close friend

Last night I attended a bereaved parents group (The Compassionate Friends) after a mixed day. It started out rough, crying uncontrollably about something I didn’t think was going to “get” me. I used to have a family. After Chuck and I got divorced I grieved the loss of the family unit; we had had a late miscarriage when Jason was 4, so our family wasn’t meant to be large. Then for a few years I didn’t think about it much, because Jason and I created such wonderful extended family with Kule and friends and my mother and siblings and Chuck, who will always be family. Jason was the heart of my genetic family, and yesterday it felt like I was grieving double, for the loss of him and the loss of our family.

I broke down crying when it was my turn to introduce myself in the bereaved parents group – I lost my only child.

I didn’t see that wave coming. I had been content with having one child, and when Jason passed I felt I would always be a mother of an adult child, now in spirit form. All my life I never felt attached to raising a big family, with grandchildren and all; Jason told me he didn’t want kids so that gave me more fertilizer to grow that non-attachment. When Chuck and I got married we didn’t know we wanted kids; we decided to “let it happen” if it was meant to be. Jason chose us as parents because we weren’t attached; his soul knew he wouldn’t be here long. We were also told by several psychics that Jason wanted to be an only child in this lifetime because in his previous life he was in a large family and didn’t get much attention.

I’m an awesome mom; Jason chose well, because I knew how to nourish his spirit in life. He was very stubborn in getting what he wanted, and I understand that concept (sometimes to a fault!) I empowered him to be fully who he wanted to be, and I am grateful that he is grateful. We hung out on the healing table with Patrick yesterday, reminiscing about his childhood and how much we played together, feeding my inner child. He reminded me he is always with me, and I shared that at last night’s support group. Today I feel fulfilled in having been his mother and continuing our spirit relationship. I miss him, but not always painfully.

So I’m not crying anymore; that particular wave subsided and perhaps will not return. I pray and trust I can ride the next wave when it comes.

Love,
Michelle

P.S. The best part of my evening last night was a dinner meeting, before the support group, with Kule and our new friend Dave, who we met at last month’s Compassionate Friends meeting. We talked about how we still connect with our departed children and how spirited they were in life as well as after life. We shared our Buddhist beliefs and how helpful this has been, experiencing the gifts. I left dinner and arrived at the support meeting feeling uplifted and grateful. This is the type of support group that I am wanting, and know I am attracting to support my process. I will continue going to The Compassionate Friends to be with others who understand that losing a child is so different than any other loss, and it helps to know we are not alone even if we are all very different; we support each other. I am grateful for the service the organization provides, free to all.

Jason I love watching movies together, good ones and bad ones (the latter gave us some good laughs). We stayed up late two nights ago watching a movie, hanging together like old times. We made good use of the Comcast Digital On-Demand we got when we moved to Ipswich. Since Jason passed, Kule and I haven’t been using it and we discovered we could save $25 a month without it. Yesterday morning I woke up crying and couldn’t stop; I was missing Jason, thinking about how nice it was to watch the movie with him the night before. Twenty minutes before the Comcast technician was scheduled to arrive I called and cancelled the service change. I stopped crying. I suddenly realized I wasn’t ready to let go of that connection with Jason. I’m going to watch more movies with Jason and make use of that service! Jason reminded me of how much I like to watch movies, with or without him!

I’ve been thinking about how I connect with Jason and how I connected with him when he was alive. In many ways there are no differences. I can’t hear his words but I can sense them. I can’t hear his laugh but I can feel his silliness and joy. I can’t experience his physical strength, but I can feel his hugs energetically. The emotional feelings are the same although the physical sensations are not there. I know what it feels like to be with Jason, and I can get into that feeling whenever I choose to, if I believe I can. I had practiced that when we would be apart for days and then weeks as he got older.

It got me thinking how we limit our connections in life when we put so much emphasis on the physical. How much connection are we missing with others because of this belief? I’m blessed to have experienced ongoing closeness to many friends who live far away, and how Kule and I stayed connected on his 4-month trip around the world last spring. It’s as if we are never physically apart. I realized that I am now doing this with Jason, and that’s why I can get in the preferred space of knowing I haven’t lost him at all. I’m actually benefitting from a new relationship with him where he isn’t limited by his body, mind, and teenage hormones. I sense him as the wise soul he has always been, and now with adult energy. It’s awesome, and yet it does remind me that he isn’t here physically and I feel the sadness again. I’m finding that this cycle is an iterative process, and the more I go back and forth and feel the gratitude for the gifts I receive from Jason, my pain of not having him here physically gets less and less.

Jason and I always connected well non-verbally. We hugged less frequently as he got older, so I wasn’t as dependent on the physical touch (although he loved my massages, and I certainly enjoyed his shoulder rubs and sitting squished on the couch together!). We had some great conversations throughout his life, but at a length that was much shorter than my expectations, and I got used to that. We enjoyed hanging together as we travelled. In the car he made music mixes on CDs of music he knew I would enjoy, with the understanding my mood might not be up to hard rock or his unique alien-artists, as I called them. I have been listening to these CDs and feeling him in the car with me, enjoying the vibrations together. I’ve been enjoying the alien-artist music in a new way!

I had a wonderful Watsu (aqua therapy) session with Bobbie this week, and I enjoyed the underwater cosmic experiences, soaring like a dolphin. Jason was there, playing and soaring with me. It was so wonderful. At one point I realized I was so relaxed and surrendered that my body didn’t exist. Wow – that’s how Jason is, and I’m on his plane now! It was an awesome way to connect, and the experience reminded me that I can connect with Jason’s spirit in many ways. In fact, us earth beings expect others to connect with us on our earth plane, but we can connect with them on their plane as well.

The night before my Watsu session I had an experience of seeing down a deep tunnel and feeling Jason at the end. It was a message that he is there and I have ways of connecting with him that I might not have been open to before. I can use that image of the tunnel, and I can imagine I’m underwater in the cosmos swimming with Jason.

I was reminded of Oneness in a vortex session Liz offered me last night. I was wanting to be able to connect with Jason more often like this. During the session I felt the shift in my mind to understanding that we aren’t separate, that we are one. As an extension of this, I also was able to see that I don’t need to connect with Jason in any way to feel complete in myself. I do, however, enjoy our connections very much and know I can through memories, if not through ways that feel almost physical in nature.

In many of the Messages I had shared ways that Jason has communicated with me – the automatic writing, “giving” me things I needed just at that moment, feeling his shoulder rub, doing things that lightened up the intense sadness. I was cleaning his desk a few days after he passed, to capture his notes (and poetry, we discovered) folded up randomly on his desktop (his desk was overdue for a cleaning!). Maybe there was an explanation, like bumping the mouse, but I was a bit freaked out by what happened. Fanfare music was playing from his speakers that lasted a few seconds. However, it was like off-wavelength poor-quality radio sound (not the quality of his speakers) and certainly not the kind of music he would have had on itunes, and there was no webpage open. I said “OK, Jason, that freaked me out, but I’m ready to communicate with you this way. Keep going. That was very creative, dude.” The next moment I hear, in the same poor-quality sound, “Thank you”. From my reaction, I think Jason was pleased he got through but he didn’t do it again, he knew it was too edgy for me and I needed more subtle forms of communication.

I was going to say I’ve never seen Jason’s spirit, but I actually have. In the dark I would see subtle shadow forms moving. I wasn’t afraid, so I thought it was Jason. I experimented moving my eyelashes to make sure that the shadows weren’t from them, and I confirmed they weren’t. Since the first experience with this, I realized the forms could be other “spirits”, or energy from other beings, but connecting with Jason’s spirit has opened me up to connect with the other side more clearly. I use the same protection as I would when I don’t see them, so I feel safe and enjoy the connections.

Chuck was over one night about a month after Jason passed, and he had taken a copy of the death certificate back with him. It was a bit emotional, but he needed a copy for his records. After he left I went downstairs and something happened to catch my eye through the small side windowpane of our front doorway. It was something white. I went out to investigate, and found the death certificate on the street. I called Chuck and he drove right back to get it. We both laughed. We knew this was Jason’s sense of humor. He knew how to lighten us up.

Jason has let me know in many ways how much I mean to him. When I made the decision a couple of weeks ago to clean out his bedroom and move his things to his studio downstairs, which is now a memorial gallery to Jason and his works and a continuing recording studio, I felt him smile. He wanted me to move on, and not look at his empty room with sadness. I also wanted Kule to have his own room, something I couldn’t offer him before. Chuck helped me move all of Jason’s things but his bed. The next weekend, Kule and I disassembled his bed to move to the studio as a futon couch. When we moved the mattress, a green peridot earring fell on the floor. I cried with delight; it was one of my favorite heart-chakra earrings I thought I had lost raking the yard last fall. Maybe after a day of raking I leaned over to give Jason a massage, a common night ritual, and the earring fell onto the bed. But how did it survive months of bed-making? It’s too weird, and yet it’s Jason’s unique way of letting me know how much he loves me; he loved weird experiences. He was grateful that we cleaned out his room and that I was doing what I needed to be in my flow of joy in life.

During a ride back from R.I. a few weeks after Jason passed, I was feeling very sad and couldn’t stop crying. I looked up and saw an amazing cloud formation, the kind of photo opportunity Jason wouldn’t want me to pass up; I almost heard the request to pull over. Then I was in awe and felt the immense beauty of having had him in my life. My sadness turned to joy and I continued my journey. Several miles later the sadness slipped in again. I looked up and saw another beautiful cloud formation, and I got the message. Now whenever I want to connect with Jason I look at the clouds, and I feel his presence and sense his awe for the beauty he would see everywhere. This has been his gift to me.

Love,
Michelle

Maybe that’s why I wasn’t surprised to get the news at the hospital, when I arrived after driving for almost one hour with no information other than Jason was in a bad accident. The hospital wouldn’t give us information; we found out later that’s because it was police jurisdiction – Jason had died at the scene and his body wasn’t at the hospital. I spent the entire drive in getting ready for the worst news; I asked Jason’s godmother MA to drive because I wanted her to be there for Jason, she happened to be in Hamilton at the time, I trusted her ability to be in grace during receipt of any terrible news, and I needed her calm energy and Reiki. I was on the phone with Kule and Marie-Anne (Linda from Texas), helping me get ready, assisted by a multitude of angels. I didn’t walk, I glided as if in a dream into the emergency room where a nurse escorted me to a private waiting room where Chuck and the other parents were waiting, holding hands.

I saw Chuck and what came out calmly was “Did we lose him?”. Chuck’s face, tears, and weary embrace said it all. The next thing I asked was “Did he suffer?” Relieved shaking heads and a brief conversation with the police waiting outside confirmed that my worst fear didn’t come true. He died instantly with no pain.

The next thing I remember was meeting the other parents, especially Erin’s mother, KT. The first thing she said, with such love in her eyes, was how wonderful my son was and how sorry she was. Then I found out she lost her daughter, and we bonded for life. I’ve gotten to know Erin through KT and her daughter Shannon and understand what an amazing relationship she and Jason had, and how they were destined to part together. Jason and Erin had past lives together where they didn’t get a chance to fully enjoy being together because they were helping too many others; in this life they got to do both. We’ve been told they are soul twins and they may reincarnate as twins. Whatever happens, their influence feels merged.

I got in touch with two past lives with Jason in a past-life regression with Ashara 6 weeks after Jason passed. I wanted to know why Jason and I came together in this lifetime.

In the first life, I was standing on a mountain top, in the snow above the clouds, with my dearest friend and climbing companion. His face was radiant, his soul was so wise, and he was Jason, with bright blue eyes and a bald head. He was in his 50s and wanted to climb one more time with me after a diagnosis of cancer. When it was time to head down he told me that he wasn’t going back with me. He asked me to be with him in love, that he will always be there with me after his body fails, that love transcends his body, and without much warning he stepped off a cliff and disappeared into the clouds. He didn’t want me to suffer watching him die of his terminal disease. I cried in anguish and then accepted his decision in the next moment, with overwhelming love. He had sent me powerful healing right before he left, to make sure I would not feel any guilt about his passage. I felt his presence strongly after he left. I learned that love doesn’t need a body, and to trust the passage. When the soul is ready to go there is nothing anyone can do about it except receive the gifts. I learned I can connect with the other side through my love of Jason.

In a previous life, Jason was a Peruvian medicine woman in a small village; her name was Chanta (pronounced Shanta) and my name was Jesu (pronounced hay-su). I was a troubled orphaned teenage boy who was not respected in the village. I lied and stole and had no friends. Every time I walked by Chanta in the village square where she sat, she smiled at me. She never judged me and she never spoke to me, she just smiled and sent me her love. Jesu always felt special around Chanta, but it confused him. He yelled at her one day – “Why don’t you tell me I’m a loser or tell me to get my life together, or make me get healed? Why don’t you say anything to me?!”. Chanta just smiled radiantly.

In time Jesu gained confidence in himself from feeling Chanta’s love, that helped him to transform. Years later, after Jesu had started a family in another village, he was called to come back to Chanta’s village. She was dying, and she had asked for Jesu. She asked him to hold her while she passed. Jesu was overcome with emotion and was very confused – why would she choose him of all people? She replied “I want you to give me all the love you had received from me in your lifetime.” In that moment Jesu was healed with all of the love he had received and all that he poured into Chanta during her passage. It was so overwhelmingly beautiful. I learned that love is given and received and never goes away; we have to remember it is there. Words don’t do it, it is just pure love. Certain bonds in life are blessed with open channels for that love, that is eternal.

Jason was always short on words and big on love. I always knew this, and he reminded me once again.

Love eternal,
Michelle

When I accept, I feel peace.
When I resist, I suffer.
The choice has been easy to make amidst the pain of loss, and yet my mind wants to figure out how I can possibly accept.

These are some key beliefs that have helped me tremendously:
1) Each soul has its time on earth, for many reasons clear and never to be known. It was Jason’s time, his soul had chosen this. I choose to accept his soul’s decision, as his mother, as his guide, as his trusted friend, and as fellow traveler on this earth. We are all here temporarily to do the work we need to do and then move on. Our children don’t belong to us; we are given the opportunity to guide them the best we can.
2) Jason’s spirit is still with us, in another way, another dimension that I can access because I believe I can. Our love is eternal and that keeps us connected in whatever form. Love is all that truly exists (everything else is our creation, our perceptions, our illusions) and that love carries me above the pain of physical loss. We are all spirit, we are all one.
3) This moment is all that is. When I experience the beauty of each moment, including any beautiful or painful thoughts of Jason, I feel peace in Being. Grief is an experience. When we judge it, we experience the energy of the judgment. I choose to see it as a reflection of the beautiful love we had for each other on earth, and continue to feel in spirit. Crying is not a problem, it is a supportive ritual.
4) Jason and I had a healthy relationship. We let each other know when there was an issue in our relationship and we acknowledged it and cleared it the best we could. I gave him the space and trust he needed as a teenager, and he expressed appreciation for that. We had a non-verbal way of being together, respecting each other, and just being in the love. We didn’t have any unresolved issues when he passed, so there is no guilt and no significant regrets. This is a gift.
5) Jason left behind so much to remember him by and connect with his spirit. It’s as if he is still here in person, showing me his photography and music and poetry. As I go through his files in the next months and years, I will see his works presented to me for the first time, and I will feel and perhaps hear his excitement sharing them with me. His passion inspires me, as my passion has inspired him.
6) Jason chose me to be his mother. He knew I would get him, understand that he was already living more in the world of spirit than on this earth, and that he was too pure for this world. He had important things to do on the other side. His father understands this, too. Jason knew I would get the importance of his works that show the connection to the spirit world, seeing the beauty of each moment and all things. He knew I would get his works out there in a big way. You ain’t seen nothing yet, Jason. I will make sure I do it in the right time, balancing what I need for my own soul path and stay in the inspiration Jason gave me in life and in his passing. I’m getting my recording studio set up again; side by side with Jason’s studio. He smiles.
7) Jason didn’t leave too soon. His soul waited until we were ready, to be able to be strong enough to experience his passing without getting devastated; that wasn’t our karma. I guided him through his childhood, finding and following his passions in life, asserting who he is and what he wanted in life, and being a light for others. He is a wise soul, so he taught us so much (he enjoyed that humble stealth teacher role). He also sent us a tremendous amount of healing in life and after he passed to make sure we were strong. He wouldn’t have left me alone; he waited until I had my soul companion, Kule. He knew Chuck was supported on his spiritual path. Jason always wanted the best for his parents.
Jason found his soul twin in Erin. The more and more I learn about the two of them together, I see a magical love story. It is clear that one wouldn’t have left without the other. They needed to find each other first and experience that high love; they passed together in bliss. What more would a mother want for her child than to see him fulfilled? I believe Jason was fulfilled in relationships and his creative passions. I could easily create so many stories about how else he could have joyfully experienced going forward in life, but I choose to believe that he was fulfilled in this lifetime. Jason and Erin are together doing some amazing healing work on the other side; I can feel their excitement.

I wish continued acceptance for me and for all. It’s the clearest channel to feeling the full power of love.

Love,
Michelle

I cried and cried the last two days. Jason’s art show tribute brought it up again, wishing he could have been there to receive the wows and other comments about his photography and music. I also had an astrology reading with Barbara Fiske that was awesome and also brought up a lot. More layers. My tears are cleansing, with the rain and my moontime.

Why was I crying so much? I wrote down some answers. There were interesting stories I decided to not buy into, such as “I shouldn’t be happy because my child died.” There were a couple of answers that I will work on, to make sure I don’t sink into despair by what my mind creates. The hardest story is that my world has been shaken and turned upside down, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no goals, I’m not fully in touch with my passions. That’s so new for me. It was easier to have goals when I had some perceived limits – to live in Ipswich and continue my corporate consulting work to get Jason through high school and prepare him for college. All of a sudden I no longer have those responsibilities and I have so many options, it’s overwhelming. Somehow I know I’m not supposed to figure it out now, but I’m not used to being in this state!

The astrology reading confirmed my belief that Jason’s soul was destined for this early end. I thought I would feel better and more accepting of his death, but that wasn’t the case. I was struggling with something big, and it came to light after some conversations with Kule and Marie-Anne, when I was writing down all the things I could possibly be crying about. The bottom line is that I don’t know what to do now.

All parents know what it is like to want the best for each child. I worked hard this past week to help Jason with his art show, making copies of his art and DVDs and his bio, and neatly organizing it to present. I was eager to share his messages with people who are interested in the metaphysical. It’s not just because they are messages I believe in, but I have felt strongly that as a parent I need to help my son be fulfilled. Wow! My son is dead and I am still feeling responsible for him. I have been wanting to make sure he didn’t die in vain and I have been almost desperately looking for ways to get his messages out to prove that.

Jason was fulfilled. He met his highest purpose. The astrology reading confirmed it. Jason and Erin shared a very high and deeply spiritual love that most people don’t find in their lifetimes. Jason has always been a teacher of being in the moment, but when he was with Erin they mastered it. Their astrology charts show they met their highest purpose together, and it was around just Being together and feeling the love they generated that was healing to so many. It feels clear to me now that when they died together they passed this incredibly powerful energy on to those who were closely connected with them and many others. I received this gift in a bigger way in his death that I had in his life, and it was so overwhelming it felt like I got consumed by a giant wave.

Jason doesn’t need me to be fulfilled; I have been grieving not being needed by him! I don’t need to do anything to help him meet his highest purpose! Not only do I not need to do anything, but my fulfillment comes from what I receive from his gift of Being. I can only teach this if I know how to experience it fully. This was his core message, the last one of 30.

This feels good, I like this state of Beingness. It feels a hell of a lot better than guilt and despair. Man, when someone dies there’s a lot more going on than loss of a body. All kinds of shit comes up. What a gift to be shown what needs cleansing. I pray I stay open and free from mind limitations. It’s so human to feel we don’t do enough, and it creates so much suffering. Isn’t that so?

I plan on saving my creative energy for recreating my life! It’s a continuous process, but throughout it I’m asking to just Be. Crying because I miss Jason is part of that and it is cool – it reminds me that he is with me in a precious way, and then I smile.

Love,
Michelle

P.S. Reminders of beingness are appreciated, it helps me surf the waves.

Jason always had a strong connection with the world of spirit and probably lived more there than in his body. His photography and music reflect this connection. He was already there when he dropped his body.

I had premonitions this past year, but I wasn’t fully conscious of it at the time, probably because being in denial protected me from the news. Over last Christmas break I finally had a chance to have a few days off after a busy season. Kule and I went away to see friends in Pennsylvania that we have enjoyed visiting over the holidays. On our long drive I reflected on the difficult fall with Jason’s illness, being out of school for 3 months, and all of the alternative health techniques Chuck and I were using to try to rescue his immune system. I was upset with Chuck at the time for some choices of care he was insisting on that I didn’t agree completely with, but looking back I was so worried about Jason (we both were) and we felt helpless he wasn’t getting better. What made it even harder was that Jason was pushing me away. He did say several times not to forget he loved me, but he needed space. It was a crash course in understanding the need for teenage boys to pull away from their mothers.

I spent much of the 3 days in Pennsylvania needing to be alone, crying with great grief about what I was going through with Jason’s illness and how I was needing to let go of my little boy. I was so amazed at my reaction at that time, but looking back it makes total sense. He was asserting his independence, letting me know very strongly that he needed help with cooking and other care but he was going to make his decisions and be independent. I had been praying for his independence, and the time came. It was all perfect, and it was all so very difficult. Jason gave me a great gift at that time – he helped me become independent and accept that he was making choices in his life going forward, so I could get to a place of accepting his choices. I am now in a journey of accepting his soul path; he helped prepare me for this. I started my grieving process 8 months before.

The process of Jason leaving his body started last year with his immune problems; after many tests we never did find out what it was. A psychic told Chuck recently that Jason had something that could have killed him, but he wasn’t meant to go at that time. Jason had a difficult spring with fatigue and trying to catch up with schoolwork, and was just starting to feel alive and healthy when summer started. He was able to enjoy several wonderful weeks with friends, with me and Kule in San Diego, with Chuck at the Art of Living ashram where Jason did 5 days of silence, with my family in Lake Tahoe parasailing and celebrating my mom’s 80th, and hanging with his favorite group of friends in Hull, including his adopted brother Dustin.

As Chuck described it, Jason was feeling very strong, happy, and confident right before he passed, which assisted him in his transition. Chuck dropped him off at the train station to go to Hull two days before the accident. I will ask him to describe his experience with this so I can quote him; it was a profound sense that Jason was “ready to do this thing.” Chuck had an impulse to pull him back and take him home, and was surprised by this reaction; he had a premonition, too. However, Jason had parents that totally trusted him and his decisions, and wanted him to be happy with his friends on the south shore.

Two days before Jason left for Hull I had a conversation with him about cleaning his studio to bring levels of mold down even lower (he was very sensitive to it, even with our powerful dehumidifier running constantly) now that we were back from being away most of July. I was going to remove the couch and the rug and get another PC for his bedroom so he would spend less time downstairs, and he was in favor of the changes I described; he wanted to do the work when he returned. I said something like, “just think, this may be the last summer that you will have to deal with any mold issues.” I was referring to this as our understanding that this was most likely going to be the last summer he would live in Ipswich (which he was so so tired of), because he was probably going to college (or travelling) the next year and was probably going to go to California for the summer, or we could possibly be selling the house by the spring. As soon as I said that something switched in Jason and he looked very depressed. I asked him what was wrong and then asked if he wanted to be alone – was this a typical teen mood swing? He said that he was depressed, that he didn’t know why, and he didn’t want me to be there. He looked like he was going to cry. He must have had a premonition.

Jason was very comfortable with the idea of death and the world of spirit, and was intrigued by it, as described in other messages. He apparently had many conversations with his friends about this, and one of them mentioned that looking back Jason may have known that he was going to die soon, although, like me, no one got that consciously at the time. Someday I may hear details about this, and I want to honor confidentiality with his friends.

Another very strange experience was when Jason was finally returning to school after the Christmas holiday break, only to discover that he had head lice and was sent home from school. What is the coincidence of that? Jason didn’t want to go to school, and he was a powerful manifester! I was determined to help Jason keep his hair, and it took 4 hours a day to comb his hair with a fine-tooth comb, and that didn’t include the shampoos and oil treatments and daily cleaning of his sheets and rooms. This went on for 9 days; Chuck came over every other day to help comb. We had trimmed his hair up from the lower-back length it had been, but finally on the 7th day we chopped off his hair to the shortest ponytail possible.

I remember being so burned out from the end-of-year struggle with his special diet and appointments and his moods, that the last thing I thought I could have handled was to wait on him hand and foot through this lice drama. There was something very shamanic about it. Why did the lice pick him of all people? It was as if he was offering his body to these parasitic creatures. In a strange way I was enjoying carefully combing his hair, adoring his head, and hanging with him patiently through all of this. It was a way for us to connect and to show how much I loved him. He really appreciated what we did, salvaging his hair. I am grateful for that time with him. When he was healthy he of course chose not to hang out like that, but I was clear I didn’t want to manifest illness for our connection. It’s just what happened, it was his soul path.

Parasailing with Jason was a joy, a week before he passed. I had wanted to treat him to skydiving on his 18th birthday October 26. I will never get a chance to give him that present, but we came pretty close being 1000 feet over Lake Tahoe together with his younger cousin Mia, who adores Jason. We were sharing the exhilaration and incredible beauty of the experience, yelling at the top of our lungs and high fiving. At one point he leaned back too far and fell through his harness. He was surprised (although he was tied at the upper harness) and I helped him get back into it, laughing about it. It was so weird, as if his body was already getting ready to let loose, and let him fly free. Jason always knew how to fly. He flew out the window of the car August 6. The passing was so peaceful it felt he was soaring as in the parasail.

Jason was very intense about doing his art and music. He was incredibly productive, not just in creating the art but in sharing it with his internet friends (DeviantArt and Facebook) and he spent many late hours with those communications that were very supportive for him (although it often conflicted with needed rest). He was also very intense about having social time, and I discovered after his death of the many peers he had spent so much time helping at school and after school. At some level, he knew he didn’t have much time. He fit a lot in. Jason was extremely productive as well as passionate, and he left behind so much for us to remember him by. Every time I look at his photos and listen to his music and read his writings I feel his energy present. It will take months to get through all of his electronic files; it feels he is right there showing me some new pieces. He most definitely is.

Jason enjoyed the presentation of his photography and music at the Mystical Art and Talent Show last night and the wonderful feedback. He is also very excited about the DVD that his Uncle Al made of his photography and music that is now available with a contribution to the Art of Living. He is smiling and jumping up and down. “Awesome, mom and dad.”

Love eternal,
Michelle

I feel I’m in a transition now, a new life starting. I believe it is a healthy way to be in the world. How many of us go through huge transitions on a regular basis! I see a show of many hands! Kule and I have been studying identities through Avatar and other teachings. I have been a mother for over 17 years, and now that identity has changed. I am still a mother at heart, without the earthly responsibilities, developing a new relationship with Jason’s spirit. That mother identity will always be there. If I hold on too tight to certain aspects of that identity, needing to be the way I was, wanting to see him become an adult, etc, then I create suffering. Therefore the identity will shift to accommodate my new way of being.

I will celebrate when October 26 comes and I can celebrate Jason’s birthday as a celebration of his life vs. watching the old mother identity wishing I could have seen him turn 18. I might need help with that one – it’s big, but I think I can do it! Chuck and I will plan something that day, and will ask for support.

I could easily see several different lives within my lifetime: my youth, my married life, my divorced life before Kule (starting my consulting career, a new work life), my partnered life with Kule, and now life after Jason’s passing. They have all been rich with identities, many of which didn’t serve me and I needed to learn to let go of them and move on. I can choose what identities I want to have. The core identity that I choose is to enjoy being however and whoever I am. That’s the ultimate goal, and I’m working on it, I’m playing with it. Life’s too short, and like Jason always said, I worry too much sometimes. Time to let go of the mind and just be, and play with whatever identities serve me in the moment. Live life to its fullest.

That’s the ticket.

I was reminded of how grateful I am for being in this place, and not in a place of devastation and despair as so many parents have experienced in the loss of a child, for years afterward. I attended a support group for bereaved parents two nights ago with Kule and witnessed a huge range of experiences, stories, emotions, and suggestions from parents who lost a child in the past few weeks to many years ago. It is clear that everyone grieves and copes so differently, and I appreciate experiencing the diversity and learning from it. I got clear in hearing some of the stories that I want to remember Jason as always 17, not someone who would-have could-have been someone at such-and-such age, creating attachment and suffering. I am grateful for that insight, and I am so grateful for the loving support of the group as they wished Jason Happy Birthday, passing around his sweet pictures for all to smile and celebrate who he was and is. I will attend the group again; it’s a great resource called The Compassionate Friends. Grieving the loss of a child is so different than any other loss, and I want to be with those who understand. I am so grateful for Kule’s desire to understand this with me, so he can support me.

I am so grateful for my spiritual connection with Jason and how I am growing spiritually through this experience. I am so interested in the metaphysical exploration of spirit, and how we can connect with the spirit of each one more strongly in life as well as after death. I am grateful for a new connection with another bereaved parent, Henry, who lost his only child to brain cancer a year ago, who moved to this area and is starting a support group for parents that is spiritually based. He had started a website with his son Cameron called www.braincandyproject.org for parents of kids with cancer, and the gratitude he has for having had his angelic son in his life is apparent in the video sharings and interviews with his son during his cancer.

Years ago when I was teaching goal setting using sound healing (guided music) a simple equation came to me:

TRUTH +TRUST + GRATITUDE = ABUNDANCE

This feels even more real to me now, after having immersed myself in manifesting studies such as Avatar, understanding how we create our reality. Our truth reflects our beliefs; what we believe is what we experience, and we can choose our beliefs. Trust in spirit, a higher power, and our will is of course key. Gratitude is the piece that has always fascinated me, and is often overlooked. When we are grateful, we feel the joy of gifts in our life, and that attracts more gifts (the law of attraction). Abundance is a perspective – the glass is half full or half empty or full or overflowing. I am the only one who determines that perspective; I’m responsible for my reality. I create my abundance.

Feeling abundance after the loss of child seems inconceivable. How can loss and abundance co-exist? I feel the dichotomy of pain and beauty in my grief, so anything is possible.

Jason’s soul chose me and Chuck as parents for particular reasons, many of which may never be fully revealed on this plane. His path was set in life; he manifested his life. What helps me tremendously is my belief that Jason’s death is not a loss at a spiritual level. I have received so many blessings throughout his life and since he passed. I know I was not meant to suffer, and that belief and trust keep me in a state of Grace and Gratitude.

Thank you Jason, for teaching me to laugh.
Thank you for teaching me to be in the moment, to forget about time.
Thank you for teaching me patience.
Thank you for helping me lighten up.
Thank you for being an angel to so many.
Thank you for leaving us with so many creative beautiful works of art and music to experience you with our human senses.
Thank you for attracting so many beautiful spirits into our lives.
Thank you for being firmly who you are, inspiring that in others.
Thank you for so many gifts that I may not be aware of, that feed me in magical ways.

Thank you for teaching me ways to connect with you in your new state, and reminding me we are one.

Love
Michelle

9/9/09 (3 days ago) was a day symbolizing death and rebirth. The ocean was intense – waves crashing, washing up dead birds and plenty of food for the seagulls hovering in the wind beside me. There was barely a beach to walk on, but I was called to walk to heal my pain. I found an isolated stone circle to sit in and let the waves crash toward me, feeling some big purification. It was profound, and I felt Jason’s presence and sensed his wish for me. He really wants me, and all of us, to be free of unnecessary human suffering. He wants us to know we can drop the human stuff that gets in the way of feeling our infinite-ness, to approach being limitless in a human body.

I was asking myself how can I be free of suffering when I am so sad? I got immediately that being sad doesn’t mean we are suffering. It means we have lost something that we love, and that is a reminder of our love. We only suffer when we get attached to having things a certain way or when we get stuck in unhealthy stories and beliefs (“creations” in the Avatar term). He wants us to know we can let go of attachment to having him on the physical plane, because we will experience his influence on us in other energetic planes. The love will always be there, even larger than before, and I keep getting confirmation of that with my experiences.

Being human is just one way that consciousness manifests; it’s the tip of the iceberg.

As I was walking toward the rocks, they were mostly underwater and I got the clear message to remember that just because we can’t see them doesn’t mean we can’t feel them. I felt the energy and messages of the rocks just the same, and that reminded me how I can feel the energy of Jason even when he is not visible or audible. He keeps reminding me of this; what a blessing.

When I got home I finally got the chance to go through photos Jason took in a special trip we did together to Utah Canyonlands two years ago, that I recently (and with great relief) found on my back-up drive. There were photos I hadn’t seen before (he showed me the ones that were artist-approved) and it was as if he was there showing me photos he just took. I felt immediately peaceful and realized I can look at his photos to get back in touch with him by seeing the beauty he saw, and let the beauty heal me. There are spirits in these photos I hadn’t seen before. There are photos of me I hadn’t seen before, capturing my spirit during that magical trip. What blessings.

His photography is a course in seeing things differently, as my niece Nikki beautifully wrote. That’s why I want to share his photography with so many, to share his message without words. Jason produced enough photos to train people to do this; that’s a message I have been getting. He also did this with his music, breaking rules for meter and rhythm and sound combinations, putting us in another world to open us up to new possibilities.

As humans we always think we don’t have enough, we haven’t done enough, we aren’t enough, etc. Jason wants us to believe we are enough and he is enough, and he has left enough of himself on the physical plane as reminders of who he is and how he can be in our lives, continually teaching us and helping us teach others. What tremendous gifts.

I got another wave of intense grief and asked Jason to help me again. I immediately felt his hands on my shoulders, one way he used to hug me as a teenager, moments before getting a special quick shoulder rub. I melted in peace and gratitude.

I got another wave of intense grief and I got a call from my and Jason’s dear healer friend Patrick to tell me about the times he had been connecting with Jason. We shared our experiences and I felt so confirmed that Jason is here with me, in my heart, in the cosmos, in some energetic form that our minds can’t ever comprehend. I just know he is here helping me through this, letting me know that we aren’t the body. The spirit/soul is what we are, and that remains and gets even bigger, giving us gifts we might not have imagined if we weren’t open to it.

Love keeps guiding me on the right path.

Love,
Michelle

P.S. I want to thank Chuck for asking to grieve together, going through Jason’s things and feeling the sadness fully. It’s so hard but we are both doing very well; we are supported.

Let’s try this one on:
Imagination creates reality.

Gazing into the clouds today, I searched for angels and images of Jason’s energy and found them. What an imagination! And it felt good, too.

Our beliefs create our reality; I’ve been studying this for some time, and last year with advanced courses with Avatar. We choose our beliefs, and therefore we choose the reality we want to create from an infinite set of possibilities.

This is what I got today:
When we imagine, we choose what filters we want to use to tune in to the energy (consciousness) that manifests the reality we want.
We can imagine things that feel good, or we can imagine things that don’t feel good (we do that all the time, don’t we?).

I could imagine how devastating and unfair it is to lose a child, but I choose not to do this.
I choose to imagine the beauty that Jason has added to my world. That beauty is in my reality.
I choose to imagine how I experience Jason’s presence, so I don’t feel a loss at some level.
I choose to imagine that sadness can be beautiful and not suffering.

Our feelings act as magnets to seek and magnify the energy we want to manifest – that’s the Law of Attraction, to use the Abraham-Hicks phrase.

I also like the idea of “fake it until you make it.”
I can imagine what I want to have happen and it will manifest. In order to do this I have to believe it can really happen.

It’s also so important to feel what we feel, and without judgment.
It’s a human experience, a feeling. I try not to get caught up in stories about what the feeling means. It’s a continuous course!
Sadness is sadness. It’s only bad if we believe it is.
I’m fully feeling the sadness. The more I do the more I realize it’s not bad at all.

As human beings we believe that certain experiences are horrible, such as death. Maybe energetic beings from another plane would see becoming a human as something horrible. It’s all what we decide it is, that’s all.

I’m guessing some people won’t understand that I am not devastated by Jason’s death. They might think I’m delusional or protecting myself from a traumatic experience. I imagine that others will be interested in seeing things a different way, to create a preferred reality for themselves.

I was in a rough place today feeling guilty that I might not have done enough for Jason in life. They say it is “normal” to feel guilt, and parents feel enough of this when their kids are alive! I had an Avatar friend lead me through an exercise to shift out of that unnecessary suffering so I can experience the pure sadness that’s not attached to some story, just to my love for Jason. That was freeing. I will continue to choose to not get into places of unnecessary suffering; Jason doesn’t want me to experience that. He wants me to feel free and as limitless as I possibly can. If I ever slip, I will remember to come out of it out of gratitude for Jason.

Messages from Rocks

I was struck by this in recent walks on Cranes beach on the rocky side on the way to the Ipswich River outlet across from Plum Island, a magical space that Jason liked hanging out in. The rocks and boulders have mystical colorings, patterns, engravings, and shapes that seem to want to tell us something if we are ready to listen. I know I can’t get this with my mind, so I just held them in wonder with my eyes and lay down among them for a rest.

When Jason was a old enough to hold something without putting it in his mouth, his favorite items to hold were rocks. He would hold several at a time for long periods of time, and study them and play with them. We enjoyed purchasing tumble-gemstones of all varieties and searching for smooth rocks inlaid with pyrite and quartz in mountain streams.

Messages from Plants

Last week the walk showed me Jason was there, at a time I was feeling very empty and missing him terribly. I was looking for him, and he was everywhere. He was not only there, he was showing me the immense beauty he experienced in the dancing grass; it was calling me. I also experienced this in the glistening sand, in the dragon-headed driftwood, in the spirit-faced shells, in the marble-colored rocks. I cried in joy at the opportunity to experience such beauty and I cried in sadness that I don’t always see it. Jason is reminding us that it is all there when we open up. I walked back in peace.

When Jason was a child he loved to “help” me garden. He wanted to pick out the plants at the nursery (many many varieties) and when we got home he immediately wanted to hold the plants at the roots, removed from the container. He would wander around holding the plants, delaying the planting process, and teaching me the power of plant energy.

Messages from Animals

Kule and I have been given joy by two playful baby squirrels during our tea time on the deck, every morning since Jason died. I didn’t notice them before. So many animals give us the messages…..
Jason loved animals. He was always afraid of spiders and intrigued by the power they had over him. Mom came to the rescue into his teens, to remove the spiders from the house. Some of the last photos he posted on his website were intricate elegant cobwebs exuding a mystical beauty.

Messages from the Elements

Air, fire, water, earth – the beach has it all, we can find these healing elements everywhere….

Our human mind is used to get messages certain ways.
What are we missing?
We get to a level of knowing we are intuitive and beyond the mind, and we accept limits on that as well.
We don’t know the limits of energy (physics experiments have proven this) so there is no way we could possibly know the limits of accessing it.
Is it possible to be limitless in human form?
Why not?

I am asking Nature and all forms of energy to show me how to go beyond my limits.
In asking this I find peace in the loss of Jason, as I get glimpses that I have not lost him at all.

For now I miss him terribly, amidst moments of incredible beauty.

Here’s a poem Jason wrote; I found it in the backpack he used last summer for his spiritual Art of Living youth program:

Maker of storms and suns
A sleepless night of melodic winds and currents
A body blown from its mind
And a mind from its body
The soothing torrents of rain in the sky
He knows

I am crying a lot, especially with little reminders about how special Jason was to me, from every corner of my home and memory.

I’m really getting how crying is the nervous system’s way of dealing with overwhelm, and I have been overwhelmed with the love that Jason and I have had, and continue to have, for each other. There’s a mystical beauty in that that is so hard to explain. If you experience me crying about Jason, and no doubt you will, remember that the pain is coated in love and therefore I also feel the immense love. I am so blessed to have this much love in my life. Being Jason’s mother opened my heart to him and to everything/everyone, and taught me to be in the moment and appreciate the infinite in everything and everyone. I would give anything to have Jason back, but I would also give anything to experience the love I am already feeling and will continue to feel forever. At the spirit level I suffer no loss.

I miss the opportunity to see Jason evolve on this physical plane, celebrating his passions with him, supporting him through his challenges, feeling his support in my evolution, being in so many special moments together. I’m sure I will miss this for a very long time.

I choose not to get stuck in mind stuff and judgments such as – why Jason? He was so pure in energy and loved himself, not getting into destructive habits like many teens do. He expressed love powerfully, helped friends move past suicidal thoughts, a friend who was raped and trusted no one but Jason, friends who would have dropped out of school if it hadn’t been for Jason; he inspired and empowered so many. Many of his friends, and kids who barely knew him but felt his love with a smile through the school corridor, are suffering the loss of Jason. He was a healer in life, and yet in death he also has healed many; the stories keep coming in. He expressed his power through his art and music, but remained quiet and humble, often holding back his power. His soul is so powerful that he can do so much more without a body. It was his soul’s choice to move on to do his work. I support him and miss him so much at the same time.

Please send me or tell me your story about how Jason or Jason’s death has inspired, helped, or touched you in a deep way. Hearing, reading, and collecting these has been very healing to me, confirming the power of the soul. Thank you so much to those who have already shared these special stories.

Love,
Michelle

I’ve accepted his soul mission, the fact that he is at peace, and that I am so blessed, grateful, and inspired to have him in my life, however he is with me, now in spirit. But I miss him on this earth plane, so much.

I’ve been apart for Jason for 3 weeks and now it is past that mark, and I’m feeling his absence intensely. I got a reality check when I went into town to pick up a few photos left on Jason’s camera from the owner of Ipswich Photo, Michael, where Jason would go in once a week or so, excited to pick up his photos and then to talk with Michael about it. She spoke with tears (apologizing for that, and I said go right ahead) about how Jason was so adorable and would brighten anyone’s day, how he was so gifted and excited about his photography, and how it was hard to look into my eyes because it reminded her of Jason. I knew why I was avoiding going into town to do errands, etc, during my cocoon stage. I’m ready for it now, I need to do this to move on. I need to cry with the others that miss Jason also.

Today is the first day of school. I thought that alone would hit me hard, although honestly it felt like Jason was done with high school. He barely finished last year (due to months of illness), but we celebrated his not having to go to summer school!! He “hated” Ipswich (although he of course loved so much about it, his friends, etc) and was ready to move on to a city with diversity and more art-centered; San Francisco looked like a great option that he was interested in. This school year would have been a major struggle for Jason; it was hard enough getting him up for school in the morning. He would get up by himself when I was away, but when I was around he allowed himself to wallow in his misery of not wanting to get up so frigging early, and allowed himself not to. I could say I won’t miss those morning struggles (after a while I just wouldn’t get him up – his issue with the school, not mine – he eventually decided he did want to go – his decision, not mine). But I do, I miss everything, all the stupid little stuff. It’s all Jason, and I miss every bit of him.

I also miss how we wanted to hang with me, even when he asked for space to help him process his teen stuff and develop his independence. We used to watch movies together and drive together blasting his songs that I liked also (what a cool Mom, I used to think – how many parents would be open to that? I loved the energy, feeling like a teen again myself.) We didn’t have to talk, words didn’t matter and sometimes they got in the way. We just liked being together.

We were just starting to shift into a new relationship as friends. I would have liked to see that develop further. It is developing now, on a different dimension. He’s so so dear to me and always will be. I feel the maturity of his soul, and can imagine what it would have been like to be his mother-friend as he got into his 20’s and older. He is blessed to have a wonderful father-friend as well.

So I’m feeling it all as fully as I can, to help me move on.
Thank you, Avatar, for tools to help me with this.
Thank you, friends, for your loving support and healing energy to help me through this. Please keep sending it, I feel it.

Thoughts come in like “why did I have to get a kid whose soul didn’t want to be here past 17?” and I bawl and then I see the creation I’m making and decide to choose another belief, like “I’m so blessed to have had him in my life until he had full discovered himself and how fully he could live, and how much that taught and inspired me.” When Chuck and I decided “to not try not to” and stop using birth control, we surrendered to what the universe wanted to bring us, kids or not. Jason chose us, and not parents who were attached to having the traditional family and grandchildren. When Jason told us a year ago that he was gay and wouldn’t have kids, that was fine with me; I felt joy in hearing his truth and shared with him how much I wanted him to be happy. He has followed his truth and his path and he is happy.

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason (or two or three…) No coincidences. We choose our reality at some unconscious level.
What do I want to choose now? That’s the next leg of my journey.
Thanks for being with me, supporting me on my journey.

Love,
Michelle

I visited the message rocks on the beach yesterday to do some grieving. I was looking for a clear message, but I was open to not receiving anything in particular, just being with the mystical rocks. I found myself stroking the rocks with my bare feet, feeling the weathered patterns and mystical textures, gazing at the intricate patterns of nature’s art. I got in touch with Jason’s lightness and childlike sense of awe, bounding from one rock to the next, standing on the peaks and soaring into the valleys, following the tributaries to wherever they would take me, met with more treasures in the sand and mysterious tidepools.

I asked Jason what gives him the most joy where he is. As soon as I said it, I realized how silly the question was. In the world of spirit there is no such thing as joy or sadness or pain or peace. There is just what is. Being – with no judgment or labels or expectations. Just experiencing what is, with wonder.

Just being with the rocks with no expectations brought me into the moment, away from the judging mind, not needing to describe my thoughts or feelings. I felt free and true.

I got silly on the rocks, saying Be out loud, feeling the buzzing vibration of Beeeeeeeeee.

There really isn’t more to say about being. I just know I need to practice it more and more. Jason was and is my greatest teacher.

Love,
Michelle
P.S. Jason’s poetry speaks of being and letting go of the ego.

Jason’s poetry: 7/2/09

things are things
it’s shit
but then it’s beautiful

and it’s off-white
and monochrome
like walls with scratches
and pencil marks and chipped paint

and it’s red
and colorful
like enveloped in wrinkled sheets
with morning sun shining through

things are just things
and it’s shit
and it’s murky-like and coffee
stained and crinkled
and it’s beautiful.

Cleanse (Stopping It)
Jason Foster, C. 2006 (14 yrs old)

Take off your stupidity
Leave it all behind
Let’s count to infinity
Till we are left unbind

Unload your immensity
Kick it out of sight
Keep with you your fence and me
So we won’t have to fight

Don’t ask for something to get used to
You’ll find it if you really want to
Don’t force a grudge on top of those two
So that I will never have to

Detach from your emancipation
Throw it to the ground
Get used to your overreaction
That you won’t have to frown

Stopping your deterioration
Fastened to the ground
Rise from the couch and take some action.
But please don’t make a sound
(They might hear you)

Drain away your constipation
Of trying to have fun
When human needs see your duration
They’ll claim that you have won
(But at a cost)

Don’t let go of inspiration
It’s all that you have left
Re-grow all your vegetation
So you won’t depend on us when you have gone

Jason was a natural bridge. He was always playing in the world of spirit, very comfortable and intrigued with the unknown. I used to describe his photography and music as ways Jason would take the mundane and describable and transform them into magical and indescribable. He also did this in his poetry (samples below).

Looking back through my own life, I see that in myself. I liked being by myself a lot, exploring intelligence and creativity in many ways. Until I was 17 I was so shy I didn’t speak to many people and only hung out with a couple of close friends. I got lost in music and my studies. I was attracted to the mystical, although I had no one at the time to teach me any of it. I used to think my mother was psychic, always knowing who was calling or coming to the door; she has an impeccable intuition that I inherited. My father immersed himself in his work as a doctor (and wasn’t an available father in the earthly sense), and getting to know him through his work and his patients I learned quickly how much he lived in the magical world of being a healer to so many.

Jason was born to meditating parents. When I was pregnant, Chuck and I went to Maharishi International University in Iowa to do a week-long TM course and meditate in the dome with 1000 people. A couple there who were parents warned us in a light way to be careful; being in that kind of energy will attract an intense spiritual soul who might not sleep like other babies. The premonition was right on, and being the parents of baby Jason was truly exhausting. He was a sponge for life and sometimes the overstimulation he attracted exhausted him and created a “difficult” child. The journey with Jason regarding his intensity and creativity would fill a book. I think we did well as his parents, and he grew through the divorce and manifested an art-oriented school in Ipswich in 8th grade and so many wonderful people in his life through his friends and his parents’ communities. All this supported his flourishing into a confident teen who knew what he wanted and what he didn’t want. He thrived in the physical world (except for his immune system) as well as the world of spirit, and left his legacy of art to illustrate this. I am so honored to have supported his path in life, and I learned so much in the journey.

We are all bridges. We are all one. Therefore there is no separation between the worlds.

I am truly grateful for my dear friends, colleagues, teachers, and so many resources that continually remind me of my connection to the world of spirit, the divine. We are all spirit. Everything is spirit. Quantum physics proves everything is energy. We are all one.

Jason’s poetry: 5/3/09:

The universe is an open book
Each planet a single atom of parchment
And its pages with their newly-written phrases
Ink still damp to the touch
Creased down the middle
And folded
The universe is symmetrical

Jason’s poetry: 5-13-09

Death
Is a black hole
(Though not as black as it seems)
Stretches us
Transports us
To an intergalactic gap
Or a violet-green nebula
To an alien air
A lifespan in light years away from here
And when our tenures expire
It takes us back here
Our other home
And we repeat
The circle of life
In a straight line
The bedlam of everything
All at once
That ever
Hasbeen willbe is
Collectively condensed
Into the broken-record
Migraine of now
And us, eternally

Death
Is an illusion
Is the memory-wiping
Painkiller for the
Exciting ennui
Of life
Of us
Of this
Of all

I was seeking a way to discreate despair and I rediscovered one-ness.

I don’t think I ever experienced despair before Jason died. I understand now how so many people who have lost dear ones, especially children, have felt their lives were ruined. So many immediately assumed that I would be devastated. I am so eternally grateful that these moments of despair are short-lived, existing long enough to remind me where I really want to be and who I really am.

I was driving to R.I. yesterday, missing Jason. We always drove down to see family together, listening to music and enjoying each others’ presence. I was seeking Jason everywhere, in the trees, in the music, in the clouds. I was suddenly reminded that I was hanging on to the idea that his presence has to be palpable, almost physical. My mind was seeking so hard and focusing on the notion that I couldn’t find him that I couldn’t feel him. That moment of despair reminded me that I was looking outside myself, that he is in me, that he is me, and that we are not separate. We are one. I could feel Jason strongly with that statement – We are One.

I know about oneness; I’ve experienced it incredibly so many times and studied it in my spiritual and metaphysical work. Why do I forget? So I can be reminded.

We are all One.
We don’t need to seek outside ourselves for anything; it’s all here.

The world is a reflection of me.

That’s a phrase from the Avatar work Kule and I have been doing the past year. It’s so true. Discreation is another Avatar term. We discreate that which we created (consciously or unconsciously, usually the latter) at a time when it served us in some way; it now no longer serves us. I was creating despair and I knew I had tools to discreate it; I have been working on it. However, since despair is a total loss, it was important for me to create what I wanted so that no loss was felt. I recreated oneness; it just happened.

Wow! Throughout all these messages I have been experiencing Jason as separate from me, and at the same time felt his energy merged with mine. I caught glimpses of the oneness but my mind kept coming back to Jason being a separate entity, constantly reminded that that entity was no longer with me in ways that had been comforting to me. I needed to reach another level of surrender of my mind.

I have been asking for help with surrender.

Two days ago I was in the White Mountains with my dear friend Marieanne (formerly Linda) of Texas. It’s been a favorite place of mind and hers and Jason’s for many years, a place where we connect with the spirit of the earth, the guides, and ourselves in magical ways. Marieanne and I had hiked and camped there many times before we had babies. Jason’s ashes are there in our swimhole, Jason’s swimhole; this time we visited other parts of the White Mountains. I will visit Jason’s ashes next summer in a new energy when it is warm enough to enjoy the swimming. It was a perfect day with autumn sun and colors; we enjoyed our time together with no agenda, stopping where we were guided. In one of our favorite spots, the Basin, I was getting lost watching the water flowing through the sculpted rocks. I asked for help with surrender.

I watched the scarlet-yellow painted leaf that I threw into the stream move into a deep hole. It got caught up in eddies and swirled slowly to the bottom and the color faded to emptiness. I trusted I would see it again, and I waited patiently to see it churn upward in the cross-currents to resurface with its sunny colors. The eddies took it down again, reminding me of my emotional roller coaster. I prayed for surrender, trusting completely that this beautiful spirit would resurface with every submerge, in its own time, and be carried with the flow. With that energy of surrender held, I witnessed the sudden catapulting to the surface and with one quick smooth stroke the leaf glided glisteningly across the rocky ledge over a waterfall, where it continued its dance in the joy of being.

I felt the gliding of surrender; it felt so natural and good. I held that feeling as I asked for continued surrender.

Surrendering doesn’t mean I don’t choose what I want to experience. It means I can let go of things my mind creates. I can let go of the belief that I can’t choose what I want to experience. I can choose what I want to experience. I choose what I want to experience, what serves me. I surrender to what serves me.

I cried in my ritual grieving time this morning and reminded myself of the oneness that transforms the pain into beauty.

I can choose to experience the dismal depths or to experience the awe of movement in life and the rejoicing in resurfacing and dancing.

I’m flowing in oneness. Thanks for dancing with me.

I asked Jason to let the water wash away the grief and attachment to stuff that is prolonging suffering unnecessarily. The ocean water was warm enough today to stay in for a while. I looked up and saw a giant dove cloud and felt a message coming. Jason always knew how to get me to be completely in the moment, experiencing the micro-beauty of everything. I was playing with the water, feeling it flow past my skin in infinite possibilities of shapes and light reflections. I let myself get lost in the formlessness of the water. I felt my form dissolving in the water.

I stayed with the feeling of how nice the water felt. I started feeling the joy of having Jason’s energy with me, showing me new perspectives the way he did when he had a human form.

I found myself saying out loud “It’s not about the fucking form.” My incantations almost turned into a hard rock gig, walking a fast pace down the beach with Jason; it felt so powerful to say those words. I found myself laughing at my mind’s history of putting so much emphasis on form.

I left the beach feeling centered and rejuvenated.

Feeling is formless.
Feeling joy is formless.
Feeling love is formless.
Feeling peace is formless.
Memories are formless.
Beauty takes many forms (the beach held so much beauty in its forms today) and its essence is formless.
What’s more important than the formless?
What’s real about form anyway?
Isn’t it the feeling that really counts? The formless is what counts.

It feels really good to reflect on memories with Jason.
I feel peace when I connect with his soul that is at peace.
I feel so much love for my son.
The formless is what is most powerful. The formless is what counts.

Jason is formless.
I am formless.
I can choose to dwell on the loss of form or I can choose to accept the beauty of the formless.
The formless is what counts.

And then I talk to someone who is attached to form and I experience doubts. We all get attached, so doubts always arise.

I can choose to not be attached to form, and to play with being different forms or being with different forms. I choose to be in this form of a human body, but I can choose to not be attached to the form as a limited identity. Jason says we can be so much less limited. I believe that, but it is not easy to maintain this belief.

I have come to the conclusion many times over the years that spirit is what is important and it feels good to not be attached to the physical. And then my son died, something I never imagined losing. My attachment to physical form and identity has been triggered big time. I’m grateful for the ways that I can experience Jason in his formlessness, and I believe that with less attachment I will experience less suffering. With less doubts I will experience Jason’s energy even more strongly; it’s all around me in his art and music and all the memories. Jason’s death has inspired me to try to really get the big spiritual teachings and to transform pain into beingness, to see that it’s all about the formless and the wordless.

My goal is to experience the pain as a reflection of the beauty and the love, and to feel it all without judgment. Right now it’s a roller coaster.

From all of you on this path to transcend the mind and the form, any reminders are welcomed. And, of course, hugs and healing thoughts and offers are definitely always welcomed. I do feel I’m turning the corner and feeling more peace; thanks so much for your ongoing support.

Loads of Love,
Michelle

I had a profound connection with Jason two days ago during a flower essence journey with Bobbie Courtney. I want to share this with you now and it’s hard to get into the part of my brain that can write about it, so I may add more later. I would love to hear your reactions and insights.

At the start of the session, I downloaded Jason’s power and I got ethereally bigger to meet him and merge with him. Bobbie got there was something Jason wanted to get from me. I found myself giving Jason confidence that he could connect with us in a bigger way, and that he can learn something from me, as he used to when he was a child and I was teaching him as a mother. I helped him be a tree (grounded) and then felt his tree was on fire (passion); this felt like Jason’s power was passionate and also now grounded. I was feeling how this was supporting him to bring his power into this world, and how it was supporting me to be in closer touch with the spirit world. I was also a tree with roots in the earth, connecting with his spirit.

What happened next was very profound. Jason started planting seeds of light into my tree. These seeds are meant to sprout at the right time so I won’t be overwhelmed with what he has to offer all at once. It’s controlled-release spiritual knowledge! Jason was also excited by this, because he couldn’t have figured it out if I hadn’t helped him see how to do it. He is ready to plant seeds in others, and we both got that he will know if he has permission to do this. He is encouraging anyone who wants this to ask him for it. Erin is there with him, and they are flying around with excitement (in their childlike wild fun excitement they shared on earth) to do this; they were both always into healing the world – two beautiful caring passionate souls working together.

Jason was not alone on the other side when this was happening; he was recruiting a group of guides during this process, the way he was always a natural leader with everyone gravitating toward him and his passion. The guides are old souls with young energy, perhaps others who have passed over at a young earth age. Jason, in his usual style, is teaching and inspiring the other guides to plant these seeds in humans all over.

I saw this happening, and I got into my usual mother pattern of telling Jason how awesome he is and to get out there with his power, not to be shy. I could feel him retract, as he had on the earth plane, letting me know he will do it his way. He does appreciate my confidence in him, and he likes to do really big things in quiet ways.

The big message to me is:
We can train other people how to receive these seeds just as we can train spirit guides how to connect with us to give us these seeds; the seeds are spiritual fertilizer. We work together. It will work when we believe it will work. Bobbie sees it as a template, an energetic structure that can be repeated through others and spread.

The other message is that the idea of planting seeds that will sprout at the right time will work so much better than getting hit with a lot at once. We humans just aren’t ready for all of that at once. Some get out of balance with it and have a hard time recovering. Others reject it because they don’t believe it or because it is too much or they are afraid of how it will impact their lives. Still others get it at first, and then allow their doubts to come in and dismiss it later. We can also ask to get these seeds in communities, so we can grow together and support each other through each phase of growth, integrating it in ways that work for us and others influenced by us.

Jason’s photography, music, and poetry capture Jason’s messages; the seeds are needed to open up receptivity to receiving the spiritual messages in these media. I received many of these seeds immediately when Jason died, and I was overwhelmed with the messages that were coming in to me from Jason through his photography, music, and poetry, that I hadn’t seen before. To me, what Jason left behind is a direct channel to receiving his energy in two ways: 1) to remember I am connected with him personally, the way I used to, to know he is with me, and 2) to get the new spiritual messages that are coming in through him, the “new energy”.

Interestingly, the session started with an intention to heal some earthly patterns that caused Jason some suffering that I was tuning into and feeling the suffering. I wanted to clear this, and it allowed me to connect with Jason more deeply.

I want to thank Bobbie for guiding me through this powerful session. We both thanked Jason deeply for receiving this from him, and he thanked us for being able to connect with us.

wow

Jason gave me a new message Saturday night when I was at one of my lowest times.

I was asking to trust that I will understand the purpose of all of this.
I immediately sensed him telling me about porpoise, and I knew it was him because Jason loved playing with words.

A porpoise loves to play; there is also the submerge and emerge. (I am inspired to do more research on Cetacean wisdom, and to swim with the dolphins).

When we PLAY we PRAY.
We get in touch with our divine nature, our highest selves, beyond mind.

Jason taught me how to play. That is an incredible gift that brought so much healing and joy to my life. I didn’t know how to play freely until Jason showed me how. Jason is reminding me to remember all the times we played together and that will reconnect me to him and to the joy I feel when I play, with or without him. Feeling that joy will attract more play in my life – the law of attraction!

It’s working. Thank you again, Jason! I feel him with me again, and that reminds me he isn’t gone and he never will be. His energy is here to stay, and to tune into whenever I choose. It’s my choice!

My mind of course comes in and says – but I just lost a child, how can I play and have fun? Jason gave me the message Lighten Up for the ceremony and he is reminding me how powerful this is. It’s not avoiding grief, it’s finding a way to connect with him and it’s avoiding the attachment to the mind that causes unnecessary suffering. I can play and laugh and then go back to crying in sadness in a natural cycle. There’s no rules about how to grieve, but being in my heart.

Jason and I used to play all the time. We would get silly about the littlest thing. We made silly noises (natural sound healing!) and played with wild silly movements. We loved playing ball with no rules, the more we bent them the better (he detested competitive games). We made up card games and word games. We would go wild with silly hugs and faces and say “Too Much Love!” and pretend to die. We would put pillows under our shirts and come running toward each other from the other end of the room, jumping up and banging into each others’ bellies with a loud shout of “Samurai!”

Jason loved word games, like mad libs and the game I made up with him in our last trip back from California a week before he died, when we cracked up the whole way, making up silly sentences by taking turns coming up with the next letter (try it – it’s a blast – you think the other person has a word in mind then it changes – totally gets you out of your head to be open for anything!).

Jason started sharing a few plays on words with me Saturday night to share some messages:

Nonsense = Non-sense …..we get a lot without our known senses.
Massage = Message….we get a lot from receiving and giving touch
Suffer = Refuss = Refuse…..we don’t need to be suffering necessarily – give it up!
Word = World….If we add love (L) to the word we will understand the world

Jason and I didn’t communicate much with words. Chuck and I couldn’t understand why Jason would tell us so often that he couldn’t understand what we were telling him; he would get overwhelmed with words and didn’t want to read them, either. He was trying to tell us the words get in the way. He would learn best with play. I helped him through the years with homework that he was so stuck about doing by making a game out of it; in his teens he enjoyed making up spoof horror movies to kill the zombie homework.

Jason’s reminder to play is profound for me. I’m amazed at the shift and how I am reconnected to Jason. Jason used to tell me I worried too much (and I of course got a bit defensive and said I worry a lot less than most people, but I did listen and learn) and I am understanding more and more about what our minds do to us.

I’m also reminded by so much I’ve learned from Kule (from Non-Violent Communication training) that when we miss someone we are missing what we got from them and how we felt when we were with them, and there are other ways to get that when the other person isn’t around (there are many strategies to get our needs met). Jason’s huge gift to me was to teach me how to play, and now I can remember all those times and it’s like he is right there teaching me again. Each time I get it even more.

I’m ready to play more, and it feels good. I could use some support to remind me. Jason is my best reminder. I love him so much and I am so grateful for what he gave me.

Samurai, dude!

Jason’s favorite number was 24, according to a school English paper he wrote 4 years ago.
It feels like this is the last message – message 24 – and it’s from me.

The messages I have been receiving have been very clear, coming from a high place, and overwhelming at times. However, they are not new messages; we receive these all the time and they are everywhere. The way I have been receiving them from Jason has blown me away, in awe of the wisdom and power of my son’s spirit and my clear connection with him. We all have access to this wisdom, and I have had an advanced course these last 3 weeks on how our filters prevent us from hearing many messages at all, and hearing all of them more clearly. Amidst the sorrow, love has dissolved filters and I continue to bathe in the pure light.

I encourage you to re-read Jason’s messages in light of your own wisdom.
I remind you to continue to listen to your own messages and be open to new ways of receiving them.
I ask you to remind me to do the same.
This is what loving community is all about.

Thank you for being here for me, Chuck, and Kule.

Love eternal,
Michelle

Yesterday I spread Jason’s remaining ashes in our favorite swimhole in the White Mountains, feeling the awe, joy, and beauty that Jason had felt when we would visit since he was 6. His ashes and rose petals flowed down the waterfalls he played with many times, and sank into the deep cold water that we had always jumped into, with squeals of cold and delight. Little glittery red hearts followed the ashes in, reminding me of his love. Kule, Christine, and I (and many others we held with us, including Chuck) were in awe of the magic of the place and of Jason’s energy there. A cloud came by to steal our warm sun, and before I could get upset with it, I gazed at it and saw its powerful archangel form.

As I rested against the sun-warmed quartz-laiden ledge, I meditated on the message I received from Jason the day before.

Young people hold the answers to how we can heal the planet, but they don’t know how to express it in a way that adults (the ones that have the power to use their knowledge to make change in the world) understand. There were so many ways that Jason tried to express something in frustration throughout his life (as an energetic child, then a secretive young adult), and I knew there was so much that was there but could not be communicated in the ways we are used to. He was able to express so much in his art and music, and I am getting this more since he left his physical form. There’s a new energy needed for the healing of the planet that is coming in, and we may be getting it in new ways. If we open to the possibility of this, then we will get so much we were missing before.

Professional photographers and musicians and academicians in these areas recognized Jason’s gift as an artist and encouraged him to study so he could become a “real” artist. Jason and I took on the belief that he wasn’t ready to sell his art and music (although he wanted to) because he wasn’t an adult. Society has certain rules to follow, and we blindly follow them.

Adults don’t listen to kids. Kids say that all the time, and adults are in denial of it. Jason told me several times in the past year that I wasn’t listening to him. I was hearing all his words and his frustration, and I was frustrated that he couldn’t clarify what he meant. I loved him and let it go, but was always curious about this. I am getting some insights about this with Jason’s message. Adults assume children don’t have much wisdom and want them to grow up, go to college, take on adult ways, and then they will be listened to. I always knew Jason was a wise soul, but I have been humbled more and more as I receive his messages and reflect on his life.

Jason used to tell me I worried too much. My response was usually to let him know that the amount I worry is miniscule compared to most people, so why was he giving me a hard time about it? That wasn’t enough for him. He saw patterns he didn’t understand and was rightly questioning them. Why do adults do things because they are supposed to or because they are conditioned to by parental or society expectations? We don’t even realize that we have them. After taking Avatar training last summer, I have opened up to seeing these patterns (transparent beliefs) and working on releasing them more and more. Young people see the patterns and in their frustration they close down to trying to communicate this, closing off a portal to major needed change. Then they become adults and take on adult patterns, and the cycle continues.

Children don’t have the human skills that we are used to using to communicate. They need us to help them by being open to listening, however we can do that. In order to do this, we must be open to new paradigms, not assuming the old ways work, and become aware of unsupportive beliefs to release them. Society medicates our children for ADD and alienates the kids that might hold the keys. Many adults have found how to communicate with these “special” youth, such as new age healers, “psychic channellers,” etc. I believe all of us have the capacity to do this and we just don’t believe we can. Love for our children is a welcome door.

Many adults have the wisdom of this new energy, and can access it in their youthful and ageless sense of awe and wonder, through artistic expression that transcends the mind. These adults already have the capacity to communicate with the new energy, many of them having been “indigo” children themselves. We are finding each other, and we can collectively harness this new energy and translate it for the world to receive healing. We can empower the young people to express themselves the way they do, and listen more carefully, getting beyond our filters.

Youth, nature, and mystical creative expression hold keys to so much wisdom.

As parents, Chuck and I didn’t know how Jason was going to fit into this world; he was unique and adamant about being who he is without taking on rules of how to be. I trusted he would find his way, and he has. He is teaching us from the other side how others can “change the world”, i.e. change our perspective of reality, so that we may all be able to do this work on this Earth plane. Jason’s not the only one doing this, and I have been blessed to receive his clear messages so that we can make a difference. He already has.

It was a hard drive home, crying in the back seat, releasing another layer of grief with the last layer of ashes. It felt like the pain of birth labor, in reverse. The more I cry and breathe through the pain, the more the beauty of Jason’s energy in my life surfaces, and I get the blessings.

I look forward to the next time we jump in that swimhole together next summer.

Waterfalls of Love,
Michelle

5:05 AM
5 = Magic, tuning into our spirit
0 = Infinite being

I awoke and heard “There’s Nothing Left.”
Writing it now it means to me that there is nothing left to do but surrender.

It has been 3 weeks since Jason passed away, with 21 messages, one per day.
2+1=3
3 = The new energy

I’m feeling great peace and love, and now with a sense of calm. It’s the feeling I’ve had when I’ve completely surrendered and I just know everything is perfect. It doesn’t come from my mind, but from my being.

I’ve surrendered to the healing that is available from Jason and from my relationship with him and what he has taught me.
Jason is asking all of us to surrender and let the healing in.

The tragic death of anyone, especially a young, vibrant and angelic being such as Jason, triggers amazing stuff in everyone. This is a gift, to know our deepest fears and limitations, because with that awareness we can get to the next level of healing. It’s been years since I’ve been afraid of dying or death in general, but I always thought that losing Jason (or seeing him suffer) would be the hardest thing I could ever experience. Until about 6 months ago, it would have devastated me to lose my baby. I went through a difficult process last year, surrendering to his request to let him live life the way he wanted to, seeking his independence, and not wanting me to “control” in any way. I was finally able to do that and get to the point of accepting that he may make the wrong decisions, and he may suffer, and that I need to be prepared for that and know that I am not responsible for that. In fact, Jason insisted that I not be responsible. The only thing he wanted was help with logistical things he was unable to do well (earthly things) – making food, driving him, reminding him to take vitamins, doing laundry, etc. He also told me that, although he needed space, never to forget he loves me.

I surrendered to Jason in life and I am surrendering to him in death.

Having just written this I feel incredibly free and incredibly sad at the same time. There is mystery in that dichotomy. The only thing that makes sense to me is the love that I feel; that is real.

Jason chose his path, and the best way to be a parent is to accept his decision. I trust his wise soul.
What has also helped me to accept this, tremendously, is to know that his death has created so much healing in family, friends, and people he didn’t know, who were inspired by his art and his story. It touches me deeply to receive messages from people who have been healed by him in life and in death.

Try getting lost in Jason’s art or music, to get how much he was in the moment, capturing the essence and beauty of all things. He knew how to surrender, and he wants us to know how easy it can be to let go of the mind and surrender to the moment. The healing is right there for you, you can just let it in.

Love
Michelle

“You are never alone.”

I was very tired last night but too restless to sleep. I asked Kule to do some Reiki on my belly. Immediately I got visions of Buddhist teachers with ornate robes, gurus from many traditions, light beings, and a sense of many guides. I’m laughing now at my reaction to being surrounded by these powerful beings who so many seek for guidance. I told them I needed to sleep and that they should get to work spreading Jason’s message. Whoa. So they went and I fell asleep.

This morning I was talking with Kule about this in our ritual tea on the porch overlooking the baby squirrels and other busy morning life, as we do our practice of experiencing the moment. As human beings, we try to find ways to help each other find enlightenment; Kule and I have been blessed with knowing teachers who do this well – Sri Sri from Art of Living, Mooji, Maharashi from TM, his Sufi teachers, etc. The problem is the mind limits so many from listening to these messages – the culture might not fit, the style might not be right, so many don’t want to listen. The guides from the other side may be having the same trouble we do – their communication style doesn’t reach so many, and they are looking for ways to get through as well.

Perhaps it is during death, the passage of physical form to the other side, that such communication happens. When people hear of death of a loved one, especially one so young, it opens the heart. The experience gets to the root of faith, confirming it is or isn’t there, and gives us a sense or curiosity about the spirit. My experience is that Jason’s passage has done this, and is opening up some understanding of our infinite nature. Jason is telling us, in his usual straightforward intense way when he really wanted someone to listen, that he just went through this and knows firsthand that this is what we are. People are “listening” and it isn’t with words, it’s through their hearts and souls. They might get it from looking at his photography and listening to his music, how he connected to this when he was alive at a time he couldn’t have expressed it himself. My experience is that people get this through sound, in my exploration of sound healing, through movement, and through other forms of art.

We are never alone. We have guides with us all the time, patiently waiting for the opportunity to get through. The Divine Mother holds us. The guides that came to me last night were all male – the Divine masculine energy that gets out into the world to do things, that’s what they love to do. Perhaps we need to guide the guides and not expect that they know how to do everything on our plane – an interesting concept that I wouldn’t have picked up with my mind, most likely.

The other morning Kule and I were on the porch and we found a cicada (large flying bug that makes noise) on the picnic table that still had some life in it but couldn’t fly. As our cat Annapurr (Jason’s favorite) got interested in it, I was drawn to going to Jason’s closet to open a box of rocks and shells that had been taped since we moved from Beverly. When I opened the box the first things I saw were some of his spindly starfish and a horshoe crab shell. The next thing I found was a plastic bag with a cicada; Jason had been fascinated with it and wanted to keep it. It would take pages to tell you how many dragonflies have appeared to us and friends who know how much Jason and I love dragonflies.

We are never alone.

We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer.

In the past year Jason was having a rough time with illness and depression, and he started acting out his teen phase, pushing me away. It was hard for me having always had such a great connection with him, and I learned with some help that this was normal for teen boys to push away their mothers (especially) to move into their independence and adulthood. Once I accepted that and gave him the space he needed, we got along much better and he actually grabbed me and told me how much he missed me when I returned from my 3 week trip to Vietnam in May, apologizing for how he had treated me the previous months. I was working on my independence and he was working on his, and that was perfect. Jason prepared me for this biggest “taking space” phase.

It hit me hardest last December when he was at his lowest. I think I might have come close to experiencing the death of a child at that point, and I actually was experiencing that. My child had died; Jason was becoming an adult. All parents need to grieve that transition. Death happens all the time and we don’t even acknowledge it. I’m grieving not having the opportunity to see my son grow up, but who is the person that I am losing? How could I know who he would be? He was choosing his path, not me. There was so much that I didn’t know about Jason in life; he kept a lot private, for one thing, but when you think about it – how can we really even know ourselves fully? We are changing constantly.

Something shifted in me since we spread Jason’s ashes on Saturday and since I had the blankie experience last night, knowing Jason is always with me. I am no longer suffering. I am sad, and that is beautiful because it reflects the beauty I experienced with him in my life. I don’t resonate with being the victim, that doesn’t serve me and would only bring me suffering. I am getting the message that death happens all the time, and that is life. We die every moment in order to experience the new moment. We can live fully when we are not afraid of death. That’s a big one for our human systems to comprehend; I’m studying hard, I was always a committed student.

“Remember we are infinite beings, and death is the other side of life.”

Jason is telling and showing me that he is with me and that he will continue being in my life. I must have been having my doubts that this would last, flowing through the house in meditative searches of all memories of Jason that I can keep to remember him in case the spirit presence fades.

Last night I received a present in the mail from a good friend of Kule’s in upstate New York who I’ve met and bonded with briefly a few times, and she didn’t know Jason. The box had hot chocolate, two nice books about grieving, and a blanket. Kule spread open the blanket to reveal a picture of a wolf with deep eyes. It felt like Jason’s energy. Impulsively I grabbed the blanket and embraced it in fetal position, bawling away. How did she know how much Jason loved soft blankies, even in his teens? I had instinctively taken on Jason’s spirit holding that blanket, and I also see his energy in the blanket. That experience was profound for me, to know that I could feel that energy through something that had no connection with Jason when he was alive. I can make memories with him in every moment; I don’t have to hold on to the past. Jason is in me and is part of who I am, so there is no separation.

This morning I took an early walk on the beach with Dianna, a magical journey through tidepools and gentle bodysurfing waves, finding treasures washed up from the week’s stormy sea. I made this a priority over client work that eventually got done today, listening to my son’s lecture about taking time to enjoy life. I could feel him walking 20-50 yards behind me, stopping to take photos, wishing he could run up to show me the latest one. He didn’t need to – I saw them all around me, my eyes shifted into what might come close to Jason’s viewpoint, seeing the beauty in every small shell and vista. Thank you, Jason, for giving me this gift.

What are memories? Snapshots of time? However, time doesn’t exist. A memory is energy captured and viewed on the physical plane – memories can be forward in time, as we perceive it. Being in the moment, we capture subtle energies from other dimensions because we are not bound by time.

I felt the Message Energy coming through at 4:07 this morning, and went back to sleep to capture it in the morning (a nicer way to get the messages without losing rest!) This is the first time 7 came in – this is the Student in numerology. Studying metaphysics and subtle energies…

When Jason was 10 years old, at the time Chuck and I were separating, he asked me to tell him a story in the middle of a blackout. He loved being told stories, especially “scary” ones at night. I was so amazed at the story that we co-created that I wrote it in my journal I kept about Jason. The story is attached. I had it next to my laptop and had planned to write it up these last few days.

This morning I was going through the box Jason kept bedside and found a poem on folded up paper that he must have written this past year, since I gave him the box a year ago. It was about the big nothing. Lost my breath once again.

Blajhu

In wet
Plunging down
into
the deep unknown

Blinded
Not knowing what’s
In front of you
or behind

Submerge
into nothing
Not knowing what’s there
and what’s not

Nothing
and everything
is there for the use
of no one

Falling
Behind of something
in front of nothing
while you drop relentlessly

Two in front of nothing
and from nothing I’m behind

Eager
Leaving the scent
of the light
from the liquid behind you

Swimming
Up above you
Where the light shows bright
You’re being brought

Touching
the scent of the brightness
that you had once lost
And finding it shattered

Leaving
Free to go, I suppose
as I get sucked down
And shot to the sky

Flying
I hover over
the sea
And watch it fly by

Two in front of nothing
And from nothing I’m behind
As I’m sucked down from my steady pace
Contained in a big black nothing

- Jason Foster c 2008-2009

The Big Nothing
6/28/01
[Story told to Jason Foster by mother Michelle Foster on a blackout night; Jason liked scary stories]
Once upon a time, there was nothing. Everyone was afraid of this nothing that kept getting bigger and bigger. It got so big that the villagers went to the Wise Woman of the village and told her “This nothing is something so big we are afraid it will destroy us.”
Before the Wise Woman could answer, a 5-year old boy asked the question “If this big nothing is something big why don’t we call it a something and not a nothing?” The Wise Woman smiled and said “You are very wise, my son, and we will call it Something from now on.”
The villagers left and continued to be in fear of this Big Nothing which had now become a Big Something. The fear got so great that they could not do anything but worry. They could not describe the Something other than it was getting so big they didn’t know what they could do to protect themselves, and in a state of panic they went back to the Wise Woman to ask her advice. The Wise Woman smiled at the villagers and told them to go down the road to the five-year old boy’s home and ask him what to do.
The villagers immediately ran down to the boy’s home and formed a line a mile long waiting to get advice from the Wise Boy. One by one the villagers asked the Wise Boy what they should do about the Big Something. One by one the Wise Boy laughed and told the villagers “Don’t be afraid of your own shadow.” One by one the villagers walked away, dazed in confusion and chattering loudly about what this could mean and how this could possibly help protect them from the Big Something. One villager noted that it was dark and there were no shadows at night.
They were so busy talking about what the Wise Boy said that they forgot to be afraid of the Big Something. One of the villagers reminded them that they have to stop talking and continue to find a way to protect themselves against the Big Something. The villagers immediately went back to the Wise Woman, forgetting all about what the Wise Boy had told them.
The Wise Woman received the villagers and asked them why they were so upset. “Didn’t you go ask the Wise Boy what to do?” she asked. The villagers looked very confused and told the Wise Woman what the Wise Boy had said, and that it made no sense to them. The Wise Woman gave them her loving smile once more and said “Your shadow is your greatest fear about yourself. If you run away from it, it will only get bigger and bigger.”
The villagers stood with their eyes wide open, and one by one they started to laugh. When the Wise Boy ran over to join them, the villagers had a big party. They knew then that there was nothing to be afraid of, that something was not to be feared, and that they had everything they needed.
The End

I have been held by the Divine Feminine for many years, and even more closely since Jason died. Last night I was drawn to pulling out a book from my bookcase that I didn’t know I had – a book that my friend Mary Stewart of Feng Shui Boston had put out on the free shelf – entitled “The Mary Magdalene Within” by Joan Norton (2005). I’ve had a wonderful connection with Mary Magdalene for the last several years.

I only had to read the first page of the Introduction to discover why I was supposed to pick this up at this time:

She describes how she came to start channeling Mary Magdalene “being prepared for the worst possible experience about death”:

“My oldest child, my beautiful, tall sixteen year old daughter Justine was killed in a car accident in 1986. The love bond of motherhood is the strongest representation of God on Earth and having it severed suddenly is the ultimate test of faith.”

“I can say now from the distance of almost 20 years that my response to her death initiated me into the Inner Mysteries and I was guided along by God. Dreams, initiations, spiritual teachers, and more of the good Jungian therapy I’d already been having, all guided me towards communication with ‘the other side’…. I chased my daughter into other worlds through the many methods of intuition that everybody can use: tarot, meditation, channeled readings, and intense prayer.”

“I never did have the kind of direct contact with her that I imagined I wanted. I’ve come to understand and accept that I couldn’t emotionally tolerate talking with Justine, it would be too painful. Of course she is with me and with her family in all kinds of mysterious ways, but to speak with her as if she were still my seventeen year old daughter… I no longer wanted that.”

I was once again amazed, and also very grateful that I have been held by Grace to be able to communicate with Jason the way we have – what an extraordinary blessing. And I know it’s Jason because he tells me not to worry the way he used to, and he makes me laugh the way he used to. No mistaking him.

Jason was an only child, but he had an extended family, extended in many directions. He created a community of friends wherever he was, he adopted close friends as brothers and sisters, he was adopted by the community of friends his parents created, he accepted his parents’ new romantic partners as extended family. Jason never had rules about family. He of course loved his genetic family, and loved others in his super-extended family. He was a child of the New Culture, where loving community is central. He also was a natural and humble community leader in all of the groups he co-created.

Today family gathered to spread his ashes in Gloucester off the dock across from Chuck’s house; we chose to have a small group, but many extended family were with us in spirit, so many. Jason spent his whole life in Gloucester and took many photos there in the past few years; we stayed there for 3 weeks between homes in our move to Ipswich when Chuck was in India, holed up in a tiny house with our extended family Linda, Julia, and Christopher, who were visiting from Texas. Chuck and I spent part of our honeymoon there when his father lived there; the home belongs to the Foster family.

We wanted a small group today, and we had representatives from the two genetic sides – Fosters and Herreras, Michelle’s beloved partner Kule, Jason’s godmother, and one of Jason’s best friends Gus. On the way, Gus, my sister Mariana, and I listened to Diabeticbunnyducks, the silly recordings he and his brothers Gus, Dustin, and Noah did for the past 4 years. It was great to laugh in preparation for the emotional departure of Jason’s remaining ashes (a small portion is reserved for his favorite swimhole in the White Mountains). If you haven’t yet listened to DB, come on down.

The large Tibetan bowl held the rose petals we had blessed in Jason’s ceremony, used for healing us on the healing table a week ago, and dried in the Ipswich sun. We added Bobbie’s Essence of Love and lavender from Erin’s mom KT and mixed this with Jason’s ashes after each family member had a chance to hold Jason’s ashes in the original plastic bag he was placed. The bowl was placed in a basket on top of a quilt that Erin had made, a gift from KT.

The walk down the hill and through the marshes was a slow shamanic journey, walking carefully on the broken boardwalk that fell a few inches into the water with each step. The grandmothers blew us away with their determination to do the walk with us, and we all made it to the floating dock in the loving sun. We each took a handful of the ash-petal mixture and threw it off the dock; the water is so salty the ashes were held like a mystical cloud in the water for some time.

Chuck and I floated the bowl out to deeper waters on a boogie board. Our tears joined us as we threw handfuls of ashes out into Jason’s cove, as our family members held sacred space from the dock. We submerged the bowl with remaining ashes into the marsh water, returning our baby to the earth and the water, as we had brought him in 17 years ago. We rang the bowl 17 times and swam through the floating petals, through the salty ashes, calling our family to join us. We felt relief in the completion of spreading his ashes to places of joy for our son.

Love
Michelle

Chuck, Kule, Bobbie, and I were doing long kriya (Art of Living practice) this morning and Chuck was guided to read a passage from A Course in Miracles – he opened to the page about Pain. The passage was perfect – about how we think our illusions are reality, and our pain is a result of not seeing a reality that we believe should be there. Who is to say that people are not supposed to die “young”? Who is to say that Jason didn’t live a full life at 17? What is time anyway, does it really exist? Who makes up the rules, anyway?

There are no rules. There is only the mind and what it chooses to believe.

I choose to believe that Jason completed a wonderful life that he chose, it was more than “enough” (we never think we are enough or did enough), surrounded by love, and gave so much during that time. I also choose to believe he is continuing to be there for us in amazing ways, continuing to be our teacher if we so choose. I for one am learning how I have limited myself and am seeing the world differently. I am missing him so much, and at the same time I know everything is fine, I just can’t get in my head about it. I stay with my heart and I feel peace. And don’t worry, I am feeling everything beautifully, and the grief is melting away with time.

When I open to my heart, I feel Jason’s presence strongly. He chose to give me this message during the day (so I can sleep at night, hopefully!). I was swimming off the dock across from Chuck’s house in Gloucester, a beautiful cleansing swim, helping me wash away the grief that came up walking into his second home for the first time since Jason left his body, and seeing his things there. I was feeling Jason there, a place he took many beautiful photos. I got a message to swim around a little boat bobbing around in the water (with the kind of energy Jason had as a kid). It was attached to a buoy, and it had a number on it, a message for me:
“620”
6 = Love
2 = Jason and me
0 = Infinity

Reminded once again.

Charlene came over and told me dragonflies stand for Illusion. Jason and I loved dragonflies and I see them so often now. Perfect.

Love
Michelle

“When we send love to others it is magnified and reflected back to us.”

After finding Jason’s poetry yesterday in a pile of his 2-yr old stuff, I was very emotional and was asking myself why didn’t I see this before? Why did he keep this secret? Could I have done more to bring him out (he hated it when we showed him off to others)? Every time I had asked myself these questions in the past 2 weeks I caught myself and realized I was creating crap in my mind. However, this time I let myself wallow in it. As I paced emotionally in Jason’s room, I bumped into the protruding hardware on his chest. The lock was open; it hadn’t been the last time I saw it. In fact, I was avoiding opening that chest – I had given Jason that chest when he was young, it was my chest when I went to college. It had a key, and Jason loved treasure chests.

When we moved from Beverly, Jason was entering 8th grade and he was ready to throw out most of his childhood stuff (making moving a lot easier). I suggested he put special things he wanted to keep in his treasure chest, and he did. We carried it with us (didn’t put it in the moving van, it was very heavy) and had it in Gloucester with us when we stayed at Chuck’s for 3 weeks (he was in India) before we moved in to our new home in Ipswich. I wasn’t sure if he used that treasure chest much since we moved.

OK, Jason, I know you want me to open this now, it’s time. As I opened it, emotion overcame me, I couldn’t stop bawling. I was opening a portal in time, a portal to love. As I went through each beautifully organized layer (organization was not Jason’s thing, usually), I was shown all the memories of the special things I had given Jason through time. Jason was telling me in a big way how much he loves me. He was reflecting back all of the love I had given him every time I gave him a little treasure box from the southwest or the Orient or Egyptian. All of these treasure boxes had sweet little memories of his childhood – little plastic animals, Pokemon figures, the little glittery beanie lizards he used to play with – even the ones that had holes in them, leaking sand, waiting in plastic bags for Mom to sew them once again (they got thrown around the house a lot with his friends). It’s a museum of his childhood, and it was Jason’s sacred treasure chest.

I caught myself thinking that he probably didn’t use this much since he moved here. Jason became an independent teen, and was pushing away his childhood and his mom’s involvement in his life. I looked some more and found $150 and knew he was storing money he made at the health food store here. I looked again at the top layer and found a card I had put in his backpack in 6th grade when he went on his first overnight trip with school – Nature’s classroom. It had dragonflies on it and I was wishing him a magical adventure. I remember cleaning out his backpack a couple of years ago and showed him the card – he had kept it in the top layer of the treasure chest. I looked in another treasure box (from India) and all that was in it was money from Hong Kong that I brought back in May from my trip with Kule. Wow! He had been treasuring all my gifts all along. I’m blown away once again by my son.

I also found a puzzle box I gave him perhaps 3 years ago, and realize I have no idea how to open this thing – Jason’s sense of humor.

Jason is my treasure.

Treasure your treasures,
Michelle

Yesterday we spread Jason’s ashes with Erin’s in Hull off the pier they used to jump off of, symbolizing the joy they shared in life together. It was just immediate family (Chuck, KT-Erin’s mom, and I led the ritual), with Kule and MA, Jason’s godmother who was with me at his birth and drove me to the hospital where we got the news Jason died, my brother Michael who wrote Jason’s beautiful Eulogy, and Erin’s sister Sharon along with their adopted sister Fiona from California. The ritual came together spontaneously and created such beauty and peace; I needed this to help me with some completion. We all left with such peace, and went back to KT’s to visit where Jason and Erin had such good times together with Dustin and Sharon, Erin’s older sister (who is starting art school; she was one of Jason’s greatest art fans). It’s a house of love – Jason loved being there and we didn’t want to leave either. Home at midnight.

KT had created a basket with a stainless steel bowl liner that held Erin’s ashes, with beautiful rose petals that we had given her from Jason’s ceremony, some beach sand, and some lavender. We added half of Jason’s ashes (the rest will be spread in Gloucester), and the rest of the rose petals we had from Jason’s ceremony, along with shell wings I found at Crane’s beach the day before; I wanted some of Crane’s beach energy to go with him. I can’t begin to explain how beautiful it was to put my hands through this mixture of love, we all connected with Erin and Jason in this way, and we blessed them with our tears. KT arranged to have the basket blessed by the Benedictine monk in Hull; the monastery is a beautiful space. I don’t remember what he said, but the energy was absolutely perfect. Suspended in this blessing, we drove to the pier and walked out to the end at dusk, just when we wanted to do the spreading. As we arrived, some kids were leaving and we had the pier to ourselves.

We all grabbed handfuls of the petal-ash mixture and threw them joyfully toward the ocean. I don’t know if the pictures will capture the immense beauty of the rose petals drifting off into the sunset. I jumped in and swam through the petals and the ashes, I swam through our babies, and their ashes are still in my hair. Everyone was blowing bubbles that blew toward me and the petals, the breeze was just right. Kule came out to swim with us and we played like dolphins in the petals and the bubbles. I felt such peace; we stood and looked out at the water as the petals drifted out of sight and light, with the sun down. We held each other as we saw fireworks across the harbor; Jason knew how to create beauty!

All there is is love.

I’m blessed with the overwhelming experience of feeling immense beauty and gratitude amidst tremendous sorrow. As my Guatemalan shaman teacher Martin Prechtel teaches, Beauty is the other side of Grief. To me it’s all love, and Jason was my greatest teacher.

Yesterday Kule and I took a walk and swim on the beach late in the day as the sun was low and everything looked so incredibly beautiful and mystical, the way Jason’s photographs would capture almost anything. He has given me this gift. We stood at the end of the sandbar where the crosscurrents meet and it felt very powerful. Jason loved that.

Annika told me she burned the Grief and Courage candles from Jason’s ceremony into the sand yesterday as she was guided to do. I felt so much grief melt away yesterday, flowing with my menses, and I’m ready to spread Jason’s ashes today.

I took Noah to the airport today; Dustin had gone back to China on Tuesday. They are Jason’s brothers, they are family. Seeing them off, I feel like I am saying good-bye to Jason in so many ways. I’m also saying hello to him in new special ways, getting to know so much more of him, the beauty of it has been overwhelming.

Noah left his wallet and sweatshirt at my house – made me laugh, thinking of all the times (I wasn’t always laughing then) that the two of them were always so spaced out. Material things aren’t important to them. I learned so much about timelessness and being in the moment from Jason. Noah has two of Jason’s cameras now, and he is starting at a special art high school in Washington the end of the month.

Love
Michelle

I woke at 4:22 but wanted to sleep more, then get up when I saw the clock at 4:29
2 = Mom and Jason
9 = Completion

I’ve come full cycle with Jason. Last night I watched the video of his birth and released him back to whence he came, pure Spirit. It was very powerful for me, assisting with completion of the physical attachment.

Last night as we were going to bed I wanted to talk with Kule about Impermanence, but I was too tired to really talk and fell asleep.

When I got up at 4:29 I asked Jason about Impermanence, to help me accept this loss.

“Nothing is permanent, because nothing truly exists but Love. You still feel the love, right?”

I feel Jason’s love everywhere.

I am grateful to have done Avatar a year ago with Kule (for many reasons) – we use a phrase “The world is a reflection of me”. If we feel the love, then we see it everywhere. Great transformation happens, planetary healing. The Avatar Wizards course is about EPC – Enlightened Planetary Civilization; Kule and I have been planning to go in January for the 2-week course.

As I was going through Jason’s school papers to throw out piles of stuff he hadn’t, I came across a list of things he was considering doing an essay on for a recent English class. He listed photography and other passions of his. The last item on the short list was “Expanse of universe”. Cool kid.

I asked Jason how we can expand the universe within us?
“Be the infinite Being that you are. You will experience it all.”

Jason was very private – there were many things he didn’t tell his parents (and he appreciated our giving him space to grow and discover himself; he told his friends many things I would love to hear about sometime), and I think there were many things he told no one. He was very psychic and may have known things and didn’t tell others; they wouldn’t understand. Even when he was a little kid he had dreams he couldn’t tell us about, but they overwhelmed him. I believe he put all of this knowledge in his photos, his music, and his poetry, and we are getting this out for everyone to experience. The poetry will take a while to type up; Chuck and I will be going through his papers before we make them public.

It’s easy, from our earthly perspective, to think that Jason lived too short a time. However, time doesn’t exist. The only thing that is real is love – love for ourselves, love for others, for what we want to do (passion). Everything else is made up by the mind.

If we all love ourselves fully there is no need for unnecessary war. Some things like 9-11 perhaps need to happen to open up people’s hearts, to empower the love in the world.

Jason may help to communicate with others who left this plane, such as in 9-11.
Message 11-11 is meant to tell us there are two gateways. The first to the guides on the other side, the second to higher forms of intelligence in the universe. The guides speaking through Jason went on to tell me that going outside our solar system is going to other dimensions. This is why there is no time and space. The universe is within us. We have access to everything.

Jason came to teach us planetary love.

From birth, Jason was other-worldly. Watching his videos last night of him as a baby, I was remembering how alert he was, how little he slept (almost drove me insane), how wise he seemed; he was intrigued with letters and numbers (recognizing and memorizing them at an extremely young age). He wasn’t like other babies, although there are many who have been coming in who are “high need” or “Attention Deficit” or other labels.

In the past year Jason was pushing me away, telling me he loved me but also saying things like “when I look at you I get depressed.” It didn’t make sense, but I gave him the space he wanted and he appreciated that. Now, most therapists would say that’s just teenage stuff, but I swear he transformed into another being when he said those things. Was he giving me a message from the other side? Could it be that maybe we are depressing those higher intelligent life forms with our ignorance. More likely he was having a premonition.

I was glad to finish my time with him on this earth plane with some joyous bonding experiences, including parasailing 1000 ft over Lake Tahoe. I gave him a gift certificate to sky dive on his 18th birthday, but he got close to that, and we went up parasailing together, a 3-some with his young cousin Mia (my brother Al’s daughter from Truckee, CA who is crazy about Jason), in awe of the beauty and the freedom of flight. We then did a schooner sail for my mom’s 80th birthday (my mom also went parasailing!) and it was the best family reunion ever. His uncle Al took us to see a few colleges in San Francisco, where he got excited about the San Francisco Art Institute; the photography unit was started by Ansel Adams.

On the way home on the plane we played word games and laughed continuously. When we landed he told me “Mom, I really had a good time with you.” That’s the first time I’d heard that in a year, and it touched my heart. A week later he was on his way to Hull to go to see one of his favorite bands with his good friends. He had a great last summer.

I always loved giving him a good time. He was a great playmate, and helped me heal my inner child (I didn’t have much of a childhood, I needed to take care of my depressed mom). Now I have Kule as an awesome playmate, and our loving community to join us on our journey of evolution.

I feel so much Grace amidst the pain, and when the pain is gone the Grace will remain.

It’s interesting that the last song of Jason’s ceremony 8/10 was a spontaneous circle song of “Love is All There Is”, huh?

I love all of you
Michelle

11 = The gateway, twin pillars

1:45 AM:
1 = One
4 = The new energy (Jason, Erin, and you) and Teachers
5 = Plus Guides

There are many other guides, not just Jason, on the other side working to get the new energy out.

5 hit me earlier yesterday when I woke up abruptly from a nap at 5:00. There was no noise, just a burst of energy that got me to sit right up in bed. I was very disoriented and thought it was 5 AM but it was too light out – a dream-like state. I heard a noise in the house and went out to investigate (OK – Jason, don’t freak me out with ghost stuff). Noah had arrived 2 hrs early and had quietly entered the house. My guides were alerting me.

5 is also Magic – connection with the unnatural, the metaphysical. My path in numerology is a 55.

This message isn’t from Jason, it’s from the Guides. When I woke up at 1:45 AM I felt a different presence than Jason – multifaceted. I thought it might be new aspects of Jason, but then got clear it wasn’t him. I got spooked so I went and got my Guardian Angel flower essence (from Bobbie Courtney) and sprayed everywhere in the house.

Jason’s favorite cat Annapurr (the fat one who was supposed to go first, before Nala who died in May, and certainly before Jason) just came up to me and her eyes looked different. They looked different after Jason died; I felt Jason’s energy in her; Kule noticed her staring at me in an unusual way. Annapurr has always been a healing cat (she loves our sound circles), and she is also a messenger. Annapurr hasn’t been upset at all since Jason died; she senses his presence as if his body were still here. She seems to be tuning into the Guides as well.

Something has changed in me – I see things I never saw before, similar to the way Jason saw a photo shot no one else did. It’s capturing subtle energies, the dream-like nature of things. I noticed this last Thurs or Friday when Kule and I went to see Gail Byrnes for offered sessions (Jason saw Gail regularly since his illness last year – they had a tight bond and shared a love of photography, with similar mystical styles). After my session I sat outside on a beautiful day and looked out over the lake, marveling at the peace, the way the sun creates shooting sparkles of light on the water, the contrasting shadows of water ripples. That’s when I got that Jason would spread his message through the dream-like nature of his photography.

I listened to his music yesterday, gathering copies of his 3 Serevun CDs (Healing Arena, Drinnel, and Circulate); I backed up his files and put them on my IPhone so I will carry them with me. I was Jason’s biggest music fan; I always thought his music was very special, but thought much of it would not appeal to the mainstream. When he got so much feedback from his photography this past year, he shifted from doing a lot of music composition to doing mostly photography, and from thinking of going to college for music to going to an art institute (the one he liked in San Francisco had a photography unit started by Ansel Adams). He knew that was his best medium to getting his message out.

There are many young people who will get the message from his rock songs – the lyrics as well as the music (I collected all the scraps of papers and notebooks with poetry and lyrics that he hadn’t shared with anyone.) There are also many who will get the message from his soundscape music (inspired by Ben Sheppard and me), people who are tuned into soundhealing – this is why I want to get his music out there, and had been guided to do this, through the www.soundhealingnetwork.org that Ben and I co-founded in 2002 when we formed Bluegate.

As I was writing the last paragraph, I was reflecting on how strongly Jason was reminding me to record; he had also been pushing me away this past year (as most teen boys do to their moms to get independent), so we didn’t get to record together. Since he died he has given me signs, such as showing me his hand-made humorous 50th birthday card (last June) that had at the end a request to record together, and when I found (it popped out from under an in-box pile) a long-lost list of music tracks I recorded (with Bluegate, Ben, Caera, some solo stuff) that I asked Jason to make into a CD but he never got to it. He was telling me again how much he wanted to see me record.

Jason wants me and Ben to collect his music and add our stuff to it and get it out there to people tuned into sound healing.

I’m also suddenly reminded of how much I had wanted to be a professional musician and soundhealer and be free to travel with Bluegate, but couldn’t because I was taking care of Jason. Jason was a Bluegate fan, it was cool to see his mom in a band, and he really liked the music. He started jamming with us in sound circles, and joined Ben and Noah in New York for some sound jams. I’m reminded now of my passion for playing music (Jason pulled out a few of my journals for me this past week to show me how I have been wanting to do more of this), and now I am free to travel.

While improvising with Bluegate, I coined the phrase Guided Music (improvised music guided by spirit) and wrote an article about it when I was co-Director of NESHRI (New England Sound Healing Research Institute, now Sound Healing Network). Great healing happened with the guided music; we tuned into the healing energy. Ben and I continued with our Soundscape Journeys after Bluegate members Christine and Kem moved to Colorado. I want to connect again with guided musicians. We will spread Jason’s message through music as well as through his photography and poetry/lyrics.

Bluegate formed right after 9-11. We played at the first Community Consciousness Carnival in Stage Fort Park, Gloucester on the 1st year anniversary of 9-11. And this is Message 11.

I am obsessed with getting the message out (the message that each person is precious, is an infinite Being), while working on keeping my balance (I feel a lot of peace in my mourning cocoon at home lately and am getting great healing sessions – will continue that). It helps to hear how you and others can help send the message – please let me know; email is easiest for me.

There will be a tribute to Jason at the Mystical Art and Talent Show October 10; Carl Schroeder asked me if we wanted to do this, and Chuck and I want to do the slide/music show we did at the ceremony. This will be a great audience to get the message out.

The Dance community asked us to come to Dance camp for a tribute, but it doesn’t feel like the right venue right now and I’m not ready to go out into the public yet unless it is a sacred space dedicated to Jason’s message.

Love
Michelle

Reflect on how special you are and how you follow your passion; meditate and ask for help to make sure you follow your passion.
Remind at least 3 people how special they are, and help them to follow their passion. Help them clear their limiting beliefs and create what they want; get help from others to do this. Make sure to pick people who need to know they are special or who are struggling with living their passion.
Ask them to do this with at least 3 people, and to continue the chain.

Also – Show Jason’s photography at www.plutonicfluf.deviantart.com/gallery to at least 3 people (including the 3 above) and ask them to ask 3 other people to do this, continuing the chain. Jason’s message comes over visually. He was able to capture the beauty of the essence of each person, place, or thing, no matter how dull it might appear to be. He did this by capturing the dream-like nature of his photography subjects; it is in the dream state that we connect with our spirit, infinite Self, Source – not with our minds.

Jason helped everyone he knew feel special, and humbly acknowledged his specialness in himself. He died suddenly at 17, but perhaps lived more richly than many do in 5X that amount of time. He knew how to live in the moment.

Please share your experience of this with me at fostermichelle@comcast.net and copy ben@liquidvoice.com to put it on Jason’s memorial website (in progress.) I will include this in my book but I won’t use your names. I will share the info with Jason’s dad Chuck, and my beloved partner Kule unless you want it to be confidential). Donations to Art of Living (memo field: Youth Programs) can be sent to Michelle Foster at P.O. Box 304, Ipswich, MA 01938.

This is a gift to the people you Pay It Forward to, a gift to you, and a special gift to me and Chuck and Kule; we are committed to doing what we can to help heal the planet.

Jason gave me the gift and I am rekindling my passion to record my music and to teach spirituality in the workplace. I have been limiting myself in some ways, and I’m ready to be as limitless as possible. All Jason did was to follow his passion, and he has been one of my greatest teachers, a wise old soul. He also made me laugh more than anyone I know.

Love
Jason’s Mom Michelle

P.S. Spreading the message is an important part of my healing process; I greatly appreciate your support in moving this ahead with me.
Message 10: 1=One, O= The Infinite

This is the last message. 9 is Completion and the Teacher. This message is about Harnessing the New Energy.

Jason wants us to answer these questions. Please pass this on. Please send me your thoughts/experience, and copy
ben@liquidvoice.com for public sharing.

1. How did Jason touch you?
2. How did Jason make you feel special?
3. How has Jason inspired you to follow your passion?
4. How could this new energy of acknowledging the preciousness of each person help heal the community and the world?
5. What would you like to do to help with this?
6. Do you have any ideas about what others/organizations/schools/government could do to help with this?
7. How did you feel answering these questions?

Jason wants to see his healing continuing beyond his life on earth. He is sending healing to many right now.

This is why Jason chose his parents; we have been committed to healing the planet; this is also why Kule is with Michelle. We will spread his message and harness the new energy. He knows how productive his mom can be, and how she can create what she wants. (He never complained mom worked hard, this comes in handy now). There is a lot to do, and we ask everyone to help anyway they are called to do this. Community is the key. Mom will do her best to take this in stride, a bit overwhelming but Jason is sending me lots of energy.

2:10 AM last night
210 = Countdown to the Infinite
0 = Hollow and Empty (the practice he did in the Art of Living Course (AOL) in July)

He’s there. He’s here.
So many messages and signs (more signs to share later) – now there’s no doubt he’s here.

Jason – what do we need to know about the infinite?

“Nothing – Just Be It. If you try to know it, you lose the connection. We are limitless, but we limit ourselves with our minds. I really got that when I did 5 days of silence.”

Jason wants me to talk to the grief counselor at school to connect with with AOL youth programs, drum circle leaders Jon and Ukumbwa (the circle at the reception was powerful for all ages), healers such as Patrick, Linda, Bobbie, and other local healers who know Jason well. I will ask to set up an AOL YES (Youth Empowerment Seminar) course soon, using scholarships from the donations. We need lots of donations; we haven’t received much yet – please spread the word to send checks to Art of Living (message field: youth programs) to me at P.O. Box 304, Ipswich, MA 01938.

Jason wants schools to help kids see how special they are, each and every one, no fucking exceptions. Why is anyone ever excluded from that? Parents can’t always see it because they get caught up in their dramas about how their kids should be or how fucked up their childhood was or how fucked up parents they are – too much stuff in the way. [Jason paused to say "I was really lucky to have parents who really saw how special I am and they did their spiritual work so their stuff didn't get in the way of that.”] Kids often find out how special they are from their friends and the community – from the diversity to accept the diversity. The Ipswich school system was great for Jason, the community supports the artist as well as the scholar and the jock to flourish in who they are.

This is how the planet will be healed; Jason always wanted to heal the planet (I found essays he wrote as a child about this as I was gathering his things.) Jason saw the special nature of each person, and connected with it. He knew how to be present with his friends, in the moment, not in his head, guided by his heart, and willing to laugh and cry, perhaps at the same time (like we are doing now, happy with the memories and sad to lose him on this physical plane.)

“So here’s the secret. Don’t think of yourself as a limited being. Just be the infinite Being that you are. If you have any doubt about that, just remember how strongly my mom (and others close to me who believe this) feels me and my infinite presence. Remember that the nervous system (our mind) can’t process all of that easily so we assume it’s not there. Never assume! I never assumed someone wasn’t special – I stopped to be with anyone who wanted to see how special I am. I wasn’t interested in connecting much with people who didn’t see how special I am. Nothing personal, it was just a waste of my energy – I wanted to give as much as I could in this lifetime. I must have known I wasn’t going to live a long life, because I was so intense about doing music and photography, to leave a lot of me behind for others to be with, to feel me there, to remember this message.”

I’ve received stories from many people – Jason’s friends, my friends, and people who heard Jason’s story and were deeply touched, that they are inspired now to be the best person they could possibly be, and therefore they are seeing their specialness more. Jason is so excited to see this happening and hopes his death creates healing that is limitless. He wants people to spread his messages, not because he needed to be famous (although he did want his photography to be well known, and he did this through www.plutonicfluf.deviantart.com , and he did want to sell his CDs), but because people will heal by receiving them.

Jason’s message will be received by many through his art and music, energetically. He didn’t need to go to college (he wondered why it was necessary) to refine his art, because it was the energy of it that was important. The admissions officer at San Francisco Art Institute we visited recently (Claire, who he really liked, I never saw Jason more interested in school during the tour of the photo labs and art studios) asked him why he was attracted to his photography (to write his artist statement for his college application), and he couldn’t explain it right away. She helped him to clarify it a bit – the dream-like nature of his art.

“It is in dreams (not limited by the mind) that we grasp the infinite.”

Jason wants everyone to pass this on through email, Facebook, and tell people about his website that is being updated in tribute to Jason by his dear friend Ben Sheppard (Noah’s dad), who taught Jason how to build his website www.plutonicfluf.com 5 years ago (and has not been updated for a few years so Jason wanted people to go right to www.plutonicfluf.deviantart.com which is current).

Please send contributions to Jason’s memorial website to ben@liquidvoice.com.

Jason wants us to make music videos with his photography and music and sell it to support AOL Yes and similar programs dedicated to personal growth. This is especially important for young people – they are the ones who will get the energy of this the greatest, and create the future this world needs. I knew Jason’s work was special, but I didn’t grasp the full healing power of it until now. Jason has many writings that capture this energy. They have been scattered about his studio in notebooks and scraps of paper. We will have these typed up to share on his website. The words may seem cryptic due to his abstract style, but no doubt have messages that will be clearly received by so many.

I went to the bookcase to see what might be there from Jason (not expected since these are my books). A small pamphlet of Peace Poetry from 2007 from North Shore Veterans For Peace was there, a tribute to Samantha Smith, a 10-year old girl who wrote a letter to the political leaders of the Soviet Union questioning “Why do you want to make war on us?” and she accepted the invitation from the soviet Premier to visit the USSR, becoming our youngest ambassador of good will. She proved the power of one, that “one person can make a difference” and that children should be heard, listened to, and nurtured so that a peaceable world, a culture of peace and peace between nations can be developed and maintained.

Jason gave me this book to secure his message today.

I also picked up a journal I had started in 2001 about Jason. The first page reads:
“Jason knows who he is and what he wants and doesn’t want. He has access to deep wisdom and has the purity of wildflowers. All of the “challenges” he presented to us as a child are easily explained by all this – he is an Indigo child. I am blessed to have him in my life, as my son, my friend, my student, and my teacher. He is here to bring light to the world and it is my honor and commitment to guide him (or help to confirm his own clear guidance) in his growing years to manifest who he is.”

1:23 = 123 It’s Easy – Celebrating Childhood and Living Life Fully

“Thanks, Mom, you are listening. I used to tell you all the time this past year that you didn’t listen to me (when you thought you were and you had no idea what I was talking about). I was talking about a much deeper listening, not the words, and nothing the mind does.” I’m listening so clearly now.

He want on reminiscing his childhood – I will write about that later, since the message from last night needs to be written ASAP). His childhood friends had a reunion with me yesterday, looking at funny videos they used to make, and we shared much healing laughter together. Our house in Beverly was a commune for indigo kids. He also was reminiscing how he and I played together so much until a year ago (when he needed space; I grieved that the past year to prepare me for this bigger loss). 1 week before he went to Hull to visit Erin (and died 2 days later), we were on a plane back from San Francisco, and I showed him a word game I invented in that moment (we used to play games together – he loved to travel with me) – we cracked up the whole way back from Chicago. When we landed at 1 AM in Boston, he turned to me with so much joy, sharing how much he enjoyed being with me.

That night we picked up Jason’s ashes and brought it home in his camera bag (fit beautifully). Kule held a sacred space for us (Charlene and Dianna were there helping us, and Noah and Dustin happened to come by right before we went to pick up the ashes), and we passed the clear plastic bag of ashes for each of us to connect with him. He felt like he did when he was a little baby, and I cradled him close and felt more grief pass through, helping me to release his physical body. I held him to my womb and felt the cycle of life complete. This was important closure for me as the mother who brought him into this world; what a blessing.

Right after that, Chuck excitedly shared how Jason is inspiring him to live his passion.

In Jason’s message to me that night, I felt that as well. Jason is helping me to pursue what I’ve already started planning to do, but now with less limits.

All Jason did was follow his passion, and he’s teaching us to live fully.

“Go into your heart – that’s where the answers are, not our minds.”

Erin’s memorial service was a key time for me to grieve with another grieving mom, KT. We got there a little late and people led Chuck and me to her, as she interrupted the service to introduce us and have us sit with her. With a photo of Erin and Jason in front of us on the table (a photo we got from Jason’s camera – he took the day before the accident), I could cry and cry in between hearing beautiful sharings of Erin’s friends, and getting to know Jason’s good friend through them. The kids jumped off the pier as they had many times with Jason, and the devastated kids were transformed with the joy of this cleansing ritual. KT asked if we could spread Jason’s ashes with Erin’s off the pier, and we may do this because it was the last place of great joy for Jason on this earth, and he would love to fly with Erin once again.

Jason was released yesterday. On the way back from Erin’s memorial service in Hull, Chuck and I spread the rose petals with his love from the ceremony over the accident site on route 1 where he had been thrown under the guard rail. Kule held the space and set it up so we could drive slowly past the site safely while releasing the petals, watching them fly away the way Jason flew that day, the way he’s flown since birth, and the way he’s flying without a body now. The ritual felt like we were releasing his body and also healing the accident. I called the funeral home right after that and found out Jason was getting cremated around that time.

When I got home, my beloved Kule held a space for me to help me release Jason’s physical form and how that manifested in my life in everyday ways. I grieved for so many things and then realized that there is no way to identify all I will miss – I will miss Jason-ness – his unique character and being. There is no way to ever replace that, and there is no need to, because he is embedded in my heart. I am spending time crying holding the teddy bear I bought when I was pregnant with him at a TM course in Iowa, lying in his bed, making our home his temple and memorial, and feeling the tremendous love and gratitude for having him in my life. I will be going into silence for a couple of days to be with all of this more deeply.

Kule and I had a healing rest together yesterday, and bonding family time with my sister Mariana and brother Al who are expressing appreciation for Kule and welcoming him beautifully into our family. As I was going to bed, I got that Jason wouldn’t be waking me at 3 AM, that he had given me the messages he wanted me to hear before the ceremony. He told me he would be reincarnating very soon (perhaps as Erin’s twin, as others have tuned into, including Erin’s mom KT)

I had a hard time sleeping and Kule held me while I released energy from my body with movement, sound, and breath. This created a fire in my womb and it felt like it was burning it all up, just like the cremation – releasing karma and releasing my physical attachment to Jason. I’m guessing my grieving will be a long journey, but I am in awe at how supported I am.

Signs
Since we released Jason yesterday, he has been giving me unexpected (and sometimes freaky) signs that he is with me – here are a few examples:
- I read my mom’s translations of Jason’s Spanish subtitles for the photographic journey of his life that was displayed at the ceremony. My mom had forgotten to translate one sentence “Me encantaba mucha a mi madre porque me nacio.” Which I think means “I loved my mother very much because she gave birth to me.”, but according to my mom “me nacio” is made up.
- Looking all over for a special photo of him in a tree when he was young, I was in a grief-stricken state and I found a photo Jason took 2 years ago that I haven’t seen in almost that long. I’m sitting meditating in the field down the street, and 95% of the photo is sky. I meditated on it and had a deep rest with Kule.
- My sister found a framed photo in his studio that was in a pile (buried for a couple of years no doubt) and it was a picture of me walking down Crane’s beach. The weird thing is, why would he have framed that because we already had that framed in the house. He knew I would see it when I needed to.
- My sister also found the photo of Jason in the tree that I was looking for (it was in my office bookshelf in plain view). The frame has dragonflies on it. I wasn’t supposed to find it until after Jason was released and is flying with the dragonflies. Jason and I always loved dragonflies together; they represent power and freedom in a way that Jason exuded.

I can’t thank everyone enough for all of your/their love and support, and I will write more later about that.
Waterfalls of love,
Michelle
P.S. We have received many written messages from people who knew Jason and were inspired/transformed by him and those who didn’t know him and were moved by the ceremony and/or pictures of him, his photography, and his story. There is great healing happening around this, so many stories to share later.

Jason saw how the ceremony brought joy and hope to his friends, not just close friends but people who didn’t know him well as well as my friends.

He loved seeing everyone drumming and dancing for him, the way Jon held the space and put passion into the circle, and the way Ukumbwa led a sweet, fun, and community connecting drum beat, singing Love is all there is, and tuning in to Jason. This type of drum circle could help the community heal, and I will talk to the grief counselor at school about it.

So many are feeling Jason’s love more. I am being called to help others grieve and heal, as that is the best way for me to grieve and heal. Jason’s friends know they can contact me and I can contact them – when I am with his friends, I feel Jason in person.

I am in awe of the love Jason and I attract. I am in awe of the special soul that Chuck and I were blessed with to nurture and bring out into the world.

It’s time to sleep so I am rested enough to be fully present at Erin’s pow-wow ceremony today. Her mother KT and I met for the first time at the hospital with the new of our babies’ deaths, and we want to be together to grieve; we are lifelong friends now.

BTW, I didn’t go back to sleep but got wonderful messages about stuff like making Jason’s downstairs a memorial studio for people to come and hang together and his friends to go on Jason’s computer together.

P.S. I am so grateful for the beautiful and right-on-target Eulogy that my brother Michael took 2 days to carefully and heartfully write and deliver, and the same degree of attention other family members and friends took to co-create an amazing celebration of Jason’s life.

Love
Michelle

3:01 AM
Jason told me that I feel him strongly because he is embedded in my heart. If I hug someone they feel Jason’s love. If we both feel that love together we believe in this even more. I am not the only one – many have Jason embedded in their hearts, and anyone can, if they believe.

He wants his friends to hug each other like he hugged them, and you can be silly and playful the way he used to do it – the Jason hug.

Jason really loves all the love he feels in his house right now, planning the ceremony, receiving dear friends and family, seeing his divorced mom and dad love each other through this great grief, and especially helping those who are grieving.

This love will go to the church tonight and will be magnified by all there who love him. However, it won’t be so big to freak people out; Jason liked to surprise people but he didn’t freak anyone out (without making them laugh, anyway). There will be so many people there, and some may not completely understand this (and that’s OK “but they can – and they will” (that’s from some movie Jason and I used to be silly with that phrase a lot!)

I asked him to tell me something funny I could tell others so they can Lighten Up, and he said to just remember a funny thing he did and that will help them lighten up and they will feel his love more.

Last night he had told me we could Lighten Up while grieving. It won’t take the grief away but it will make you laugh and cry at the same time, enough times that someday soon the crying may not happen. If it does, that’s cool, but the pain will pass and be shorter and shorter until there is no pain, just love.

He wants his friends to know it is totally cool (and he will look at you with one of his ridiculously funny faces) if you cry, but he guarantees laughing will make you feel better.

Let’s Lighten Up and feel his light.

I have heard so many express how much they loved Jason and how special he was (and is), and I want to hear more about how Jason touched your life, and how he did it in funny as well as tender ways. Jason is a very sensitive soul and he always knew when to laugh and when to hold a serious space – he trusts his friends and new friends he will make through them.

All Jason’s friends will be teachers to others to spread his love. He really loved the movie Pay It Forward. You don’t need to do a big candle vigil* like in the movie, but you can light a candle with friends and heal together.

*Jason never liked being the center of attention on a big scale – that’s why he didn’t pursue an acting career after his 5th grade debut as the wicked witch in Hansel and Gretel – he totally cracked everyone up and we thought he was destined for acting on stage – and why he cried when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him on his first birthday and many years after that.

In the movie Pay It Forward, the boy’s mom understood instantly in her great pain why when people die great healing can happen. I’ve been prepared for this time with all the spiritual work I’ve experienced and all the loving support I attract, so it may be easier for me to get past the pain because I feel the beauty even greater than the pain. It’s so powerful and sometimes truly overwhelming.

Jason really really loves that Dad and Julia are creating an amazing show of his photography and his music for the ceremony (we will show it again for anyone who misses it – the photos are at www.plutonicfluf.deviantart.com/gallery ). It’s the type of show I was planning to do for his 18th birthday (October 26). He really loves what everyone is doing to pitch in the make this a beautiful celebration – also Christopher, Gus, Noah, Dustin, Nikki, Jeremy, his friend Steve playing the marimba, and other family and friends.

Jason wants me to sell his CD for charity – Art of Living youth programs, of course. He also wants me to make a CD of my music- he’s sorry he didn’t do it for me for my birthday this year in June. He’s always been late with his presents, and that has always been totally cool with Mom. He’s the only gift I ever wanted.

Jason ended by thanking me so much for giving him such a wonderful life, and his Dad, family, and friends and everyone else who contributed.

Love,
Michelle

It was not as strong this time because he is focusing on his friends, helping them get through this hard time. I am telling them Jason is there for them, and I hope they really believe that.

I asked Jason about the “new energy”. Erin’s friends would call it “One Love”. Jason’s clearest message to me is to Lighten Up and all just love each other.

I got strongly that it is not the right time to be discussing this with people (let’s take notes and discuss next Sat at my home gathering with friends), and to be with my grieving. Yesterday was an incredibly supportive day with dear friends helping us plan the ceremony; Annika led a patient process and we had the sacred space to open up intense grief, love, gratitude, and some humor. I am trusting the process and can relax knowing all is in place. Chuck and and I are so grateful to have this support; it really helps us and we are helping each other get through this – Kule is my harbor and he has been tremendous at being there for me and Chuck.

So the message is Lighten Up – I asked how can I lighten up and still grieve? I got not to sweat the small stuff and not to be so serious. He said my friends would help me laugh as well as cry, and that is happening.

I asked Jason to help Erin’s sister Shannon who is devastated (Jason chose a life without siblings, although he has a few close friends that are like siblings and they are also devastated). I received a moving card from a student who I never met but wanted me to know how special Jason was – we will put some of her words in the ceremony. The high school is offering grief counseling to the students starting Tues. Jason’s friend Evan called last night and we cried together; he will let Jason’s school friends know that I want to meet them (there are so many I don’t know well or haven’t met); I wish I had known Erin. Linda’s daughter Julia and son Christopher, who were practically cousins to Jason growing up, are helping with a slide show and photos from Facebook for the ceremony; that is helping them through this. I will ask Evan and another couple of Jason’s friends to come and be part of this. Jason’s percussionist friend Steve, who did the marimba duet that Jason composed, will be coming with a video of that concert (that we will show at the ceremony) and a live performance at the reception.

Jason built a community of awesome young people and his on-line photography community on Deviant Art, as well as his friends with the Art of Living YES (Youth Empowerment Seminar) program. He has been a humble leader in all of these communities; Jason has always had such a powerful loving presence that is also peaceful. What a gift he has given all of us.

My family is coming today and they are putting together some displays about Jason’s life. Jason reminded me at 3 AM about the Spanish project he did last year where he hand-picked photos from his life and made humorous Spanish descriptions of each one. He saved me the work of picking out the ones I thought he would like us to show! Thank you, sweetie.

I was struggling with some fear that the church may not be big enough for everyone (about 300), and I am trusting the funeral home will help with any overflow challenges. The event has been publicized (with beautiful articles) in the Boston Globe, Boston Herald, as well as regional papers, so the turnout could be much more than we expected. Kule and I are holding the intention that all will receive what they need from the ceremony and related events. Erin’s wake is the same day, and there is a pow-wow in her honor Tuesday 11-1 (2A Street, Hull, MA); we will be going down with anyone who would like to come and be with Jason’s beautiful friends there.

Love
Michelle

Jason didn’t want to lose his youth, but he wasn’t afraid of getting older (as I had thought). His youth had a power for healing he had to share without a body. He made a soul contract to do this (of course he was not conscious of this). He was insistent, and was looking for soul friends to do this with. He bonded with Erin, his friend who died with him in the crash.

Jason was very psychic and sensitive to energies and at some level (although not consciously, because he couldn’t explain why he felt certain things) he may have been preparing for his early death. Jason was always a powerful manifester, so at some level he created this to do some healing for the world.

He didn’t understand college and making plans for the future. I thought it was because he was afraid or resistant to mature. He actually knew at some deep level what he wanted and he stuck to that. He had been preparing himself in unconscious ways.

[Right before I got this message I had been struggling with some guilty emotion that he was feeling pressure from me to become an adult and I may not have done enough to help him with this, although he had been asking for space to become independent. By the end of my connection with him last night I was assured that there was nothing else I could have done, and that Chuck and I did a wonderful job helping Jason who needed and wanted to be. I am so grateful I have no regrets about being Jason's parent, we loved each other so much, and we are getting to a new depth of love.]

Jason was preparing himself, I understand that now (I told Jason last night that I understand and he was happy about that). He pushed me away not only to establish his independence but to help me get independent. A year ago this would have been more devastating to me.

He took his space to do the work he needed to do, including choosing the friends that would help him, and I trusted him; his father Chuck and I were right to trust him. We didn’t know all his friends on the South shore (friends of Dustin, his best friend from childhood who had moved there and then to China, coming home summers when Jason would get to know the beautiful group of kids there.) I’m getting to know Erin through her mother, KT.

Jason and Erin had a soul agreement. They had a non-sexual bond that was so close – a soul bond. Their masculine and feminine union was creating a new energy. We will learn more about the new energy later (so Jason could let me sleep) but it has to do with One Love – the words Erin’s mom said the kids want to put on T-shirts for Erin’s funeral ceremony.

Chuck and I also had a soul agreement. We have a strong spiritual bond that became non-sexual. We have been committed to healing the planet and we brought Jason into the world. Our spiritual bond, especially Art of Living, helped us through our divorce and it is helping us now. Jason had just learned the kriya from Art of Living in Canada a couple of weeks ago – the Youth Empowerment Seminar (YES) program.

Jason will be healing so many young people from the other side; I am telling his grieving friends (many of them so shaken) to let Jason in because he is there for them, and the ones I’ve been able to talk to really get this. I got the message that Chuck will be teaching YES. In the middle of his shock of the news at the hospital he was teaching one of the crash survivors some breathing techniques to help him with his post-traumatic shock.

Jason is teaching all of us that we can carry this youthful innocent unity-conscious energy into adulthood – this new energy that will help to heal the planet, starting with the young people who are in conflict with a troubled world. He is doing the work he has always been so good at, but not consciously. He can do it more clearly now that he is not in his body.

I received this message with waves of intense grief joined with intense gratitude for his energy. I lost my baby but I will never lose this incredible soul who has enriched my life and countless others; his work has just begun.

I am so grateful to Kule for being in my life. He supported Chuck and I through a very difficult time yesterday with funeral arrangements, writing the obituary, and viewing Jason’s body (very peaceful experience, surprisingly). I am blessed to have so much support from so many beautiful beings.

I would like to talk with you about this today in person or on the phone. This is an overwhelming time for me and I would like your support for me, Chuck, Kule, and listening to Jason’s message.

About 3 AM: 3 is Creativity, masculine/feminine creating the new energy, the Trinity.

Love
Michelle

I had a profound connection with Jason last night, and I feel you will understand. It’s important that I pass this on to you ASAP. Please treat this as a sacred message.

I wasn’t able to sleep until 3 AM when I went to Jason’s room to get some sleep aids; I was afraid to go there because the energy has been overwhelming, especially seeing his things. Kule gave me some Reiki in my heart area, and I felt an incredible flow of fairy-like energy coming in to my heart. I knew it was Jason and it was so beautiful. I had felt it before when I was at the hospital after receiving the news today, but this was so much bigger.

His love is so big, and now that he isn’t in his body he is limitless. He wants everyone to know that it is so easy to let the love in, and he can help us see how we can become more limitless. He is inviting all of you who know how to connect with him energetically to let him in as fully as you can because he is sending healing energy to the planet from the other side. He was so happy to get through to me, and it was quite overwhelming, I was laughing and crying at the same time. Kule asked me what I can ask from Jason, and I asked him to tone it down a bit so I could sleep. He did, right away, it was amazing. Then I fell asleep. His love is magical.

Before I fell asleep I told him that I’m in this body with a nervous system and I don’t know if I can do his work fully right now and be his messenger. He gently let me know that he wants me to ask my dear friends to help with this, to receive him now, as soon as possible in this new state.

Jason is an old soul and maybe because he died so young this energy is so vital, he has so much to give, he knows how to do that better not limited by a body. He wants anyone who can access this energy to use it. He will help people connect with Spirit through him. He says it’s so easy, it’s just about love. He always told me to lighten up – what a teacher he has been.

I love you
Michelle