Fulfillment, 10/13/09


I’ve been hit by a huge wave that has thrown me underwater, churning in the surf, not knowing up from down. There’s a trust that I will reach the surface. There’s a strange feeling of peace being in this state of unknown, held by the waters of the earth.

I cried and cried the last two days. Jason’s art show tribute brought it up again, wishing he could have been there to receive the wows and other comments about his photography and music. I also had an astrology reading with Barbara Fiske that was awesome and also brought up a lot. More layers. My tears are cleansing, with the rain and my moontime.

Why was I crying so much? I wrote down some answers. There were interesting stories I decided to not buy into, such as “I shouldn’t be happy because my child died.” There were a couple of answers that I will work on, to make sure I don’t sink into despair by what my mind creates. The hardest story is that my world has been shaken and turned upside down, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no goals, I’m not fully in touch with my passions. That’s so new for me. It was easier to have goals when I had some perceived limits – to live in Ipswich and continue my corporate consulting work to get Jason through high school and prepare him for college. All of a sudden I no longer have those responsibilities and I have so many options, it’s overwhelming. Somehow I know I’m not supposed to figure it out now, but I’m not used to being in this state!

The astrology reading confirmed my belief that Jason’s soul was destined for this early end. I thought I would feel better and more accepting of his death, but that wasn’t the case. I was struggling with something big, and it came to light after some conversations with Kule and Marie-Anne, when I was writing down all the things I could possibly be crying about. The bottom line is that I don’t know what to do now.

All parents know what it is like to want the best for each child. I worked hard this past week to help Jason with his art show, making copies of his art and DVDs and his bio, and neatly organizing it to present. I was eager to share his messages with people who are interested in the metaphysical. It’s not just because they are messages I believe in, but I have felt strongly that as a parent I need to help my son be fulfilled. Wow! My son is dead and I am still feeling responsible for him. I have been wanting to make sure he didn’t die in vain and I have been almost desperately looking for ways to get his messages out to prove that.

Jason was fulfilled. He met his highest purpose. The astrology reading confirmed it. Jason and Erin shared a very high and deeply spiritual love that most people don’t find in their lifetimes. Jason has always been a teacher of being in the moment, but when he was with Erin they mastered it. Their astrology charts show they met their highest purpose together, and it was around just Being together and feeling the love they generated that was healing to so many. It feels clear to me now that when they died together they passed this incredibly powerful energy on to those who were closely connected with them and many others. I received this gift in a bigger way in his death that I had in his life, and it was so overwhelming it felt like I got consumed by a giant wave.

Jason doesn’t need me to be fulfilled; I have been grieving not being needed by him! I don’t need to do anything to help him meet his highest purpose! Not only do I not need to do anything, but my fulfillment comes from what I receive from his gift of Being. I can only teach this if I know how to experience it fully. This was his core message, the last one of 30.

This feels good, I like this state of Beingness. It feels a hell of a lot better than guilt and despair. Man, when someone dies there’s a lot more going on than loss of a body. All kinds of shit comes up. What a gift to be shown what needs cleansing. I pray I stay open and free from mind limitations. It’s so human to feel we don’t do enough, and it creates so much suffering. Isn’t that so?

I plan on saving my creative energy for recreating my life! It’s a continuous process, but throughout it I’m asking to just Be. Crying because I miss Jason is part of that and it is cool – it reminds me that he is with me in a precious way, and then I smile.


P.S. Reminders of beingness are appreciated, it helps me surf the waves.