Letting Go of the Future
I’ve worked hard to let go of the past and be in the present. I overlooked one piece – the future.
Jason and I had a 5-year plan in Ipswich:
He was going to spread his adult wings and fly to his future. He’s done that, and I believe I’ve accepted his path.
I was going to take off to a new destination outside New England. I didn’t know where I’d end up, but I looked forward to having Jason visit me wherever I was. Wow. That hit me hard.
Two days ago, I was doing a process with my Avatar group around manifesting my ideal living situation, asking to be presented with any limiting thoughts or feelings. I felt the sadness, and the source got revealed to me…….“No living situation is ideal for me if Jason can’t visit me.” Continuing the process, I felt that shift to a feeling of gratitude for Jason being an inspiration to me, wanting me to be happy and follow my passion. If it weren’t for him and Kule, I wouldn’t be hitting the road exploring new places to live. Jason and Kule have been my favorite travel partners of all time, desiring exploration and adventure, allowing me to feel free, in the moment, and able to make any place my home. Jason continues to travel with me and be in my home; I know that will always be true. I also have the perfect earth-bound partner with whom to spread my wings and fly.
Yesterday I was in the water, playing with dolphins in my Watsu session with Bobbie Courtney. Not surprisingly, Jason came out to play, holding my hands in the water. He was pure light. He told me he wants to be happy, and I definitely felt that.
Jason also told me directly to let go of my child. Every parent needs to do this, and it causes us parents suffering when we don’t let go. He reminded me very clearly that he is where he wants to be, where his soul is doing his work. I thanked him for this message, and noticed he had taken off to play with others. I felt his presence letting me know that yes, he is playing, but it is very different than how I remember it. He is playing with ageless souls. He saw everyone by their soul age when he was alive. I was humbled by this, and in awe. I continued to play with my own childlike energy and to feel the beautiful mystical space that is probably closest to the experience Jason has, swimming in the universe of souls, including my own.
In that meeting with Jason I understood better why people suffer more with the loss of a child than any other loss. We bring our children into the world and we want them to be safe, happy, and successful. When they die, we think we didn’t protect them, or we didn’t do enough to help them be happy, or we didn’t see them achieve some or all of our expectations. Those attachments create suffering. Jason has helped me to release attachments. I’m cutting the chord, for the second time since his birth.
I’ve been missing Jason tremendously. And now I see that I have been missing certain identities of him, ones that he no longer resonates with. He’s moved on, and I’m on my way. Sometimes it’s baby steps, and sometimes it’s leaps.
I’ve been over-focused on the future lately, planning our move. It’s not surprising this grief came up about missing Jason in the future. I’m getting how grief is cleansing. I’m now feeling less worried about the future and more able to let go of what it will look like. We are moving, and we don’t know where we will end up. That’s a metaphor for life. I’m excited, overwhelmed, sad, scared, grateful, and at peace all at the same time. I’m learning to watch what comes in and moves on. When I allow myself to fully experience it, I can release it.
I’m really good at managing projects, and I’m not always good at un-managing them.
Trusting that all will work out is all that is needed. Change happens. Death happens. Things don’t happen the way we plan, but it’s important to move toward something that we are guided to do. It feels I will be moving by July 1, and I trust we continually find the ideal living situation, including the ideal tenants.
I’m letting go of the future. There is a movie Back to the Future – my movie is Back to the Present!