Message 20 – Die Every Moment, 8/25/09
“We die every moment.”
We are always changing and we take on and drop identities all the time. If we stay attached to having things stay the same or remaining a certain person, we suffer.
In the past year Jason was having a rough time with illness and depression, and he started acting out his teen phase, pushing me away. It was hard for me having always had such a great connection with him, and I learned with some help that this was normal for teen boys to push away their mothers (especially) to move into their independence and adulthood. Once I accepted that and gave him the space he needed, we got along much better and he actually grabbed me and told me how much he missed me when I returned from my 3 week trip to Vietnam in May, apologizing for how he had treated me the previous months. I was working on my independence and he was working on his, and that was perfect. Jason prepared me for this biggest “taking space” phase.
It hit me hardest last December when he was at his lowest. I think I might have come close to experiencing the death of a child at that point, and I actually was experiencing that. My child had died; Jason was becoming an adult. All parents need to grieve that transition. Death happens all the time and we don’t even acknowledge it. I’m grieving not having the opportunity to see my son grow up, but who is the person that I am losing? How could I know who he would be? He was choosing his path, not me. There was so much that I didn’t know about Jason in life; he kept a lot private, for one thing, but when you think about it – how can we really even know ourselves fully? We are changing constantly.
Something shifted in me since we spread Jason’s ashes on Saturday and since I had the blankie experience last night, knowing Jason is always with me. I am no longer suffering. I am sad, and that is beautiful because it reflects the beauty I experienced with him in my life. I don’t resonate with being the victim, that doesn’t serve me and would only bring me suffering. I am getting the message that death happens all the time, and that is life. We die every moment in order to experience the new moment. We can live fully when we are not afraid of death. That’s a big one for our human systems to comprehend; I’m studying hard, I was always a committed student.
“Remember we are infinite beings, and death is the other side of life.”