Mirror Reflections – Jason’s CD, Michelle’s CD

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Jason’s spirit is a mirror reflecting back what we have given each other, and how we inspired each other.
It’s often overwhelming, and it brings up a lot of emotions and some fear of change.
A big wave overtook me last night, and I was missing him so much it hurt.
This morning I’m in calmer waters and reflecting:

I’ve been writing about Jason being an indigo child; I’m an indigo adult, embracing the “new culture”of oneness consciousness.
I’ve been remembering Jason’s patience, presence, and calmness; I feel he’s passed these qualities on to me – what gifts.
I’ve been in awe of how many people Jason touched in his life in person and on the web; he’s reminding me of how connected we all are.
I’ve been honoring him by being grateful for all the things that I learned from him; I had taught him much of this by example, and I’ve relearned from his perspective.
I’ve celebrated how he followed his passion; I’ve followed mine, but he’s showing me how I can do it more fully, without worrying about making money and all those things we adults do to feel responsible. The money will follow. I trust that.
I’ve made his CDs, updated his website, and gotten his photography out there more since he died.
He’s been telling me to get my music out there.

Last night Jason pulled me out of my chair and I made my first CD of Michelle’s music called “Journey”. It’s about time, and Jason is enjoying seeing me with my first CD!
(If you want to hear a sample, go to Ben Sheppards’s website www.liquidvoice.com – I’m singing on Sirens and Transformation, and singing and playing viola on Streams.)

A week or so after Jason died, I was feeling bad about not being able to get his music out there more while he was alive, and he then “showed” me a piece of paper that happened to be sticking out of the bottom of my in-box from a year ago , with a list of the pieces for my CD. I asked him to make the CD for me again this July as a birthday gift, but I didn’t know where my list was and we got busy with vacation time, and then he passed. He was telling me in life and after life to do my music, and I learned recently how to use itunes to make his CDs, and it feels good that I could make my CD all by myself. Next step is to get technical training on some music recording equipment in Jason’s studio, our studio. A step at a time……

I’ve recorded dozens of tunes since the Bluegate days, and two compositions on my iphone since Jason died; it’s a great way to capture the songs when they “come in” (I just don’t know how to master them for a CD). I compose every day when I do a ritual sounding in my morning grieving time, in reflection of Jason’s life and my life. It’s music in the moment, and that’s my passion.

So, I’m following my passion.
The problem is, the call is so strong that I’m being pulled to do things in an accelerated way, particularly in my consulting and training career, things I’ve been planning to do for some time. I know I’ll be making shifts, and I’m doing the visioning and the manifesting exercises – it’s all good.
I’m being patient – that’s good, too.
I’m feeling the emotions – that’s good, too.

But it’s hard.
I miss Jason.
I’m overwhelmed.
And I’m being with it.
That’s the best.

Note: The Journey CD has 4 pieces co-composed live with my healing music ensemble Bluegate, 4 with Ben, 1 piece I composed, and 2 pieces with viola solos on Caera’s CD (www.caera.info) . It is not commercially available (since some of the pieces are copyrighted to other artists), and is just for friends. The home-made CD cover has a photo of me taken by Jason in his favorite place in the world – Canyonlands, Utah. I also want to thank Christine and Kem for being with me and Ben in Bluegate, inspiring me to do my music – their website is www.christinetulis.com – the Portal CD they recorded in Boulder, Colorado is awesome healing music.