Missing Jason, 9/1/09


It’s been a hard couple of days. I miss Jason.

I’ve accepted his soul mission, the fact that he is at peace, and that I am so blessed, grateful, and inspired to have him in my life, however he is with me, now in spirit. But I miss him on this earth plane, so much.

I’ve been apart for Jason for 3 weeks and now it is past that mark, and I’m feeling his absence intensely. I got a reality check when I went into town to pick up a few photos left on Jason’s camera from the owner of Ipswich Photo, Michael, where Jason would go in once a week or so, excited to pick up his photos and then to talk with Michael about it. She spoke with tears (apologizing for that, and I said go right ahead) about how Jason was so adorable and would brighten anyone’s day, how he was so gifted and excited about his photography, and how it was hard to look into my eyes because it reminded her of Jason. I knew why I was avoiding going into town to do errands, etc, during my cocoon stage. I’m ready for it now, I need to do this to move on. I need to cry with the others that miss Jason also.

Today is the first day of school. I thought that alone would hit me hard, although honestly it felt like Jason was done with high school. He barely finished last year (due to months of illness), but we celebrated his not having to go to summer school!! He “hated” Ipswich (although he of course loved so much about it, his friends, etc) and was ready to move on to a city with diversity and more art-centered; San Francisco looked like a great option that he was interested in. This school year would have been a major struggle for Jason; it was hard enough getting him up for school in the morning. He would get up by himself when I was away, but when I was around he allowed himself to wallow in his misery of not wanting to get up so frigging early, and allowed himself not to. I could say I won’t miss those morning struggles (after a while I just wouldn’t get him up – his issue with the school, not mine – he eventually decided he did want to go – his decision, not mine). But I do, I miss everything, all the stupid little stuff. It’s all Jason, and I miss every bit of him.

I also miss how we wanted to hang with me, even when he asked for space to help him process his teen stuff and develop his independence. We used to watch movies together and drive together blasting his songs that I liked also (what a cool Mom, I used to think – how many parents would be open to that? I loved the energy, feeling like a teen again myself.) We didn’t have to talk, words didn’t matter and sometimes they got in the way. We just liked being together.

We were just starting to shift into a new relationship as friends. I would have liked to see that develop further. It is developing now, on a different dimension. He’s so so dear to me and always will be. I feel the maturity of his soul, and can imagine what it would have been like to be his mother-friend as he got into his 20’s and older. He is blessed to have a wonderful father-friend as well.

So I’m feeling it all as fully as I can, to help me move on.
Thank you, Avatar, for tools to help me with this.
Thank you, friends, for your loving support and healing energy to help me through this. Please keep sending it, I feel it.

Thoughts come in like “why did I have to get a kid whose soul didn’t want to be here past 17?” and I bawl and then I see the creation I’m making and decide to choose another belief, like “I’m so blessed to have had him in my life until he had full discovered himself and how fully he could live, and how much that taught and inspired me.” When Chuck and I decided “to not try not to” and stop using birth control, we surrendered to what the universe wanted to bring us, kids or not. Jason chose us, and not parents who were attached to having the traditional family and grandchildren. When Jason told us a year ago that he was gay and wouldn’t have kids, that was fine with me; I felt joy in hearing his truth and shared with him how much I wanted him to be happy. He has followed his truth and his path and he is happy.

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason (or two or three…) No coincidences. We choose our reality at some unconscious level.
What do I want to choose now? That’s the next leg of my journey.
Thanks for being with me, supporting me on my journey.