Passages

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I’m experiencing many passages. Jason passed almost 8 months ago. He passed so much to me for which I am grateful. I’m in turn passing it on to others as I am called to do.

I’m getting ready to pass my home to another. Our first interested buyer, a friend of a friend, reminded me of me five years ago, a single mom looking for the best home and arts-oriented school for her teens. Everything was in such an easy flow; I hadn’t even listed with a realtor. When she decided she wasn’t ready to buy, I was surprised to discover I felt relieved. I’m not ready to sell my home. I bought it for Jason. Now the house is being passed on to me and Kule, and we will enjoy it for a short time longer, until it is the right time. It is a house of healing, and it wants to take care of me a bit longer. We we sat on the deck this morning, I meditated on the glistening cobwebs fluttering in the breeze catching rainbows. Jason was so there; he wouldn’t miss that photo op.

We’ll be on the road in a couple of months, passing through many places of many homes and communities around the country and Costa Rica. We’ll explore and tune in, and will discover the right home for us at the right time.

I’m passing through memories of my entire life, as I sort and clean out my physical belongings. I’m reflecting on the five years I was here, and I went through some intense grieving about Jason leaving before our 5-year plan to be here was complete. Jason gave me a clear message recently to let go of material possessions, including his remaining ashes. Hours after I received that message I opened a gift I received in the mail from Erin’s mother, some glass pendants blown with Jason’s ashes that her dear friend made. These are the ashes to keep, beautiful pieces of art that Jason would appreciate. I will do a ritual before the one-year anniversary of his death, to spread the remaining ashes and release attachments to the material.

I’m passing into another phase of my female life, no longer passing menses. The last time was 2 months after Jason passed. My blood blended with his, and helped to wash the grief away. There is no coincidence.

I’m appreciating Jason’s passages in life, flourishing as an artist and transitioning to adulthood, being super creative in every phase of his life. We’re celebrating his artistry in an show of his photography starting April 26 at Zumi’s, the local cultural/coffee center in Ipswich. I asked to have the show before graduation. His classmates can celebrate their passage with Jason’s spirit. We will also have a couple of pieces of his art available for silent auction to benefit the Ipswich arts program at the Art for Arts show next weekend. I have not yet heard if the high school will pay tribute to Jason’s art and music; there was talk of it last fall, I am letting go of attachment to this, after processing some pain in my perception that the school had not done enough. Individuals and organizations have their limitations when it comes to dealing with death and loss. There have been several special tributes to Jason – the senior year T-shirts, the dedication of the first play of the school year, the lacrosse team’s wearing of his initials on their helmets, and some beautiful articles in the school paper. I pray the students get what they need to support their grieving process, as I have. Jason’s art and music has been and will be celebrated in so many ways.

Death is a passage. It is also a transformation, to transform body into light and pain into beauty.

I’m just passing through…..being right here, wherever I am, in every moment, in gratitude.