Premonitions, 10/11/09

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I believe at some unconscious level Jason knew his time on this earth was short. He wrote cryptic poems in the last few years of his life that appear to indicate this, most in the last couple of months.

Jason always had a strong connection with the world of spirit and probably lived more there than in his body. His photography and music reflect this connection. He was already there when he dropped his body.

I had premonitions this past year, but I wasn’t fully conscious of it at the time, probably because being in denial protected me from the news. Over last Christmas break I finally had a chance to have a few days off after a busy season. Kule and I went away to see friends in Pennsylvania that we have enjoyed visiting over the holidays. On our long drive I reflected on the difficult fall with Jason’s illness, being out of school for 3 months, and all of the alternative health techniques Chuck and I were using to try to rescue his immune system. I was upset with Chuck at the time for some choices of care he was insisting on that I didn’t agree completely with, but looking back I was so worried about Jason (we both were) and we felt helpless he wasn’t getting better. What made it even harder was that Jason was pushing me away. He did say several times not to forget he loved me, but he needed space. It was a crash course in understanding the need for teenage boys to pull away from their mothers.

I spent much of the 3 days in Pennsylvania needing to be alone, crying with great grief about what I was going through with Jason’s illness and how I was needing to let go of my little boy. I was so amazed at my reaction at that time, but looking back it makes total sense. He was asserting his independence, letting me know very strongly that he needed help with cooking and other care but he was going to make his decisions and be independent. I had been praying for his independence, and the time came. It was all perfect, and it was all so very difficult. Jason gave me a great gift at that time – he helped me become independent and accept that he was making choices in his life going forward, so I could get to a place of accepting his choices. I am now in a journey of accepting his soul path; he helped prepare me for this. I started my grieving process 8 months before.

The process of Jason leaving his body started last year with his immune problems; after many tests we never did find out what it was. A psychic told Chuck recently that Jason had something that could have killed him, but he wasn’t meant to go at that time. Jason had a difficult spring with fatigue and trying to catch up with schoolwork, and was just starting to feel alive and healthy when summer started. He was able to enjoy several wonderful weeks with friends, with me and Kule in San Diego, with Chuck at the Art of Living ashram where Jason did 5 days of silence, with my family in Lake Tahoe parasailing and celebrating my mom’s 80th, and hanging with his favorite group of friends in Hull, including his adopted brother Dustin.

As Chuck described it, Jason was feeling very strong, happy, and confident right before he passed, which assisted him in his transition. Chuck dropped him off at the train station to go to Hull two days before the accident. I will ask him to describe his experience with this so I can quote him; it was a profound sense that Jason was “ready to do this thing.” Chuck had an impulse to pull him back and take him home, and was surprised by this reaction; he had a premonition, too. However, Jason had parents that totally trusted him and his decisions, and wanted him to be happy with his friends on the south shore.

Two days before Jason left for Hull I had a conversation with him about cleaning his studio to bring levels of mold down even lower (he was very sensitive to it, even with our powerful dehumidifier running constantly) now that we were back from being away most of July. I was going to remove the couch and the rug and get another PC for his bedroom so he would spend less time downstairs, and he was in favor of the changes I described; he wanted to do the work when he returned. I said something like, “just think, this may be the last summer that you will have to deal with any mold issues.” I was referring to this as our understanding that this was most likely going to be the last summer he would live in Ipswich (which he was so so tired of), because he was probably going to college (or travelling) the next year and was probably going to go to California for the summer, or we could possibly be selling the house by the spring. As soon as I said that something switched in Jason and he looked very depressed. I asked him what was wrong and then asked if he wanted to be alone – was this a typical teen mood swing? He said that he was depressed, that he didn’t know why, and he didn’t want me to be there. He looked like he was going to cry. He must have had a premonition.

Jason was very comfortable with the idea of death and the world of spirit, and was intrigued by it, as described in other messages. He apparently had many conversations with his friends about this, and one of them mentioned that looking back Jason may have known that he was going to die soon, although, like me, no one got that consciously at the time. Someday I may hear details about this, and I want to honor confidentiality with his friends.

Another very strange experience was when Jason was finally returning to school after the Christmas holiday break, only to discover that he had head lice and was sent home from school. What is the coincidence of that? Jason didn’t want to go to school, and he was a powerful manifester! I was determined to help Jason keep his hair, and it took 4 hours a day to comb his hair with a fine-tooth comb, and that didn’t include the shampoos and oil treatments and daily cleaning of his sheets and rooms. This went on for 9 days; Chuck came over every other day to help comb. We had trimmed his hair up from the lower-back length it had been, but finally on the 7th day we chopped off his hair to the shortest ponytail possible.

I remember being so burned out from the end-of-year struggle with his special diet and appointments and his moods, that the last thing I thought I could have handled was to wait on him hand and foot through this lice drama. There was something very shamanic about it. Why did the lice pick him of all people? It was as if he was offering his body to these parasitic creatures. In a strange way I was enjoying carefully combing his hair, adoring his head, and hanging with him patiently through all of this. It was a way for us to connect and to show how much I loved him. He really appreciated what we did, salvaging his hair. I am grateful for that time with him. When he was healthy he of course chose not to hang out like that, but I was clear I didn’t want to manifest illness for our connection. It’s just what happened, it was his soul path.

Parasailing with Jason was a joy, a week before he passed. I had wanted to treat him to skydiving on his 18th birthday October 26. I will never get a chance to give him that present, but we came pretty close being 1000 feet over Lake Tahoe together with his younger cousin Mia, who adores Jason. We were sharing the exhilaration and incredible beauty of the experience, yelling at the top of our lungs and high fiving. At one point he leaned back too far and fell through his harness. He was surprised (although he was tied at the upper harness) and I helped him get back into it, laughing about it. It was so weird, as if his body was already getting ready to let loose, and let him fly free. Jason always knew how to fly. He flew out the window of the car August 6. The passing was so peaceful it felt he was soaring as in the parasail.

Jason was very intense about doing his art and music. He was incredibly productive, not just in creating the art but in sharing it with his internet friends (DeviantArt and Facebook) and he spent many late hours with those communications that were very supportive for him (although it often conflicted with needed rest). He was also very intense about having social time, and I discovered after his death of the many peers he had spent so much time helping at school and after school. At some level, he knew he didn’t have much time. He fit a lot in. Jason was extremely productive as well as passionate, and he left behind so much for us to remember him by. Every time I look at his photos and listen to his music and read his writings I feel his energy present. It will take months to get through all of his electronic files; it feels he is right there showing me some new pieces. He most definitely is.

Jason enjoyed the presentation of his photography and music at the Mystical Art and Talent Show last night and the wonderful feedback. He is also very excited about the DVD that his Uncle Al made of his photography and music that is now available with a contribution to the Art of Living. He is smiling and jumping up and down. “Awesome, mom and dad.”

Love eternal,
Michelle