When Jason died, I died. His funeral was my funeral, a celebration of his life and my life. My grieving has been a rebirth. It’s spring time and there is new life everywhere.
The change in season has brought up some renewed grieving for me. April spring break reminds me of the awesome vacations Jason and I would take together to the southwest, getting up early with the excitement of flying in a plane together. He wore his camera like a necklace, and time did not exist to him. It still meant something to me, as I waited patiently on the trail for him to catch up as he captured magical moments on his camera. As I waited, I got the lesson to be in the moment. I’m getting that lesson again as I write this.
Graduation is coming soon, and although it is very sad, I feel Jason will be there in spirit to celebrate with his friends, and in the art show we are doing for him at the local coffee place, Zumi’s. I’m remembering how excited Jason would be when the warm climate came this time of year; he came alive again, wanting to be outdoors, taking long walks with his camera and his friends, enjoying the newness of life. I’m remembering how it felt as a student every spring, feeling the renewal and juiciness of life. I’m remembering how special it was to enjoy this with him last spring and into July, after a challenging winter of illness and make-up homework. I’m feeling the joy he had with his Art of Living course in Canada, his two trips to California with me, Kule, and family, and his excitement to join his friends on the south shore to do hang out and do a rock concert together. I’m feeling that joy right now as I write.
Birth isn’t easy, so I can’t expect rebirth to be, either. I was in labor for 48 hours with Jason; he was in no rush to leave the warm nurturing womb. I pushed for 4 ½ hrs, grabbing a snooze between contractions. It never occurred to me that Jason could be in any danger; the passage was long and painful but very peaceful. I remember how much I let go and just let it happen. I’m feeling that now with my rebirth.
It’s beautiful. It’s painful. It’s inspiring. It’s what it is. I’m allowing myself to flower with all of the other spring buds.
Last year, before Jason passed away, I was preparing for my next steps when he was to take his next steps (college, travel, or exploration). I asked myself “What would I be doing or planning right now if I didn’t have Jason in my life?” I immediately felt a lot of confusion, fear, and grief in response to hearing this question. I didn’t know what I wanted to do; I’m still not clear, now that the opportunity is here. I’m not only grieving not having Jason, but not having had the opportunity to do lots of things in my life, and I’m afraid I won’t get to do them. I’m realizing as I write this how much I want to let go of any attachment, and just be with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing…..anytime.
I’m also feeling the gratitude of all I have done in my life, and all the gifts I have received from so many. I’m taking this opportunity to thank all of those wonderful souls that found me in this lifetime to learn together, to experience together, to celebrate together. I cherish every opportunity to connect deeply with other souls. I also cherish the times, such as lately, that I need time to myself. It’s all good.
I experienced a facilitated rebirthing process recently. It felt so familiar, and I recognized that I have been in it since Jason died. I have been reflecting on my own life, on the “clean up” of material things and of unfinished business, looking at what is really important, and letting my heart guide me more and more. It really is about letting go, and it is freeing.
I am reminded of how blessed I have been to feel Jason with me since he died. Death can be so lonely, if we believe there is a complete loss. I have received the gift of hearing his messages, of now understanding how I can connect with others when I die. I haven’t been afraid of death for some time, and this confirms why. Imagine how much peace there would be in the world if we did not fear death, and if we were in a constant state of rebirth and refreshed perspective on what we receive and give on this earth plane and beyond.
I am here to assist others to connect with the soul of others before and after they or their loved ones depart, so they know that the connection will not be lost. In fact, I believe we gain a connection to the beyond through our departed, when we stay connected in the love we feel for them. It’s overwhelming, and I believe that practicing this before death eases the transition.
I recently received the gift of inspiring a woman to help her sister prepare for her imminent death from cancer. She got in touch with her grief that her sister didn’t have a good life, and how important it was to be in the moment and inspire her sister to enjoy her final moments on earth by sharing beautiful memories together. I’m being called to be available to assist others in this way, and that is assisting my own rebirth.
We are one. There is no separation, in life and after death. The cycle of life is a mobius strip, a continuous loop where we don’t know if we are dying or being born. It’s meant to be felt and accepted, and not figured out with our minds.