Tsunami, 11/10/09

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When Jason left his body it created a powerful energy wave, a tsunami. In its wake there has been chaos, cleansing, renewal, and miracles.

A tsunami has destructive energy that reminds me of the goddess Kali. She destroys that which no longer serves us – the ego, old patterns, fears, and limitations to our evolution. She holds us in divine love through the chaos, giving us courage to ride the storm.

I believe that when someone dies, enormous energy is passed through those connected with that soul, like a tidal wave or an atomic explosion. There is the experience of shock and disbelief. There appears to be major loss and unfairness. So much crashes in on us – feelings, memories, and thoughts that are so intense and hard for our nervous systems to handle. This includes the overwhelming love that sweeps over us. There is also so much that floats to the surface, after the huge waves churn us up. It washes up on the beach, waiting to be cleared. With each burial or burning of debris, there is a clearing of energy, making way for the renewal and building of what is desired. It’s a lot of work. It’s exhausting. It’s grief.

Grief is so complex. It’s not just about missing someone. There is so much that surfaces; it’s an opportunity to see more clearly what is waiting to get healed – the beliefs and fears and limitations to what we want to create in life. The loss is felt on the physical plane, and yet so much was stirred up from the depths of the sea, treasures we might not have found otherwise. We realize we gained in some ways more than we lost. We discover more about ourselves and feel the resurfacing of our own beauty and power. When we love someone so much, that love is returned to us in their death. Even strangers who heard about Jason’s story were moved to feeling some significant personal growth, some healing within themselves. We are all connected.

Grief takes attention, which requires time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you how to grieve and for how long. It’s such a personal experience, and no one can really understand it but you. I do find support in sharing with other parents who’ve lost their children, especially those who are spiritually focused. It is a unique type of loss, and those who have not lost children can’t truly understand, although they may have tremendous compassion. Surround yourself with those who care, even if they don’t understand, and support you to grieve the way you need to. It’s so important to have this retreat time to reflect and process. There is an opportunity to go very deep into yourself to find treasures. It’s not about “moving on”, it’s about “moving in” and really discovering who you are.

I have no problem saying that I will be grieving Jason forever. I feel the pain of it less and less over time, and seeing what I have gained more and more. I feel daily twinges of pain for the physical loss and the loss of missed opportunities on this physical plain, and that is normal for us physical-plane-centered humans. I also feel a great opening to other worlds of connecting with Jason and other guides and spirits, realizing that this physical world is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’ve written about what I have been learning about grief in several other writings about my grieving journey. I’ve watched guilt and regrets come up and I am blessed to have the awareness and tools to release them; I’m on the lookout for those trying to hide. I’ve witness myself in so many beliefs that I was able to ask “Do I really want to believe this?” and then shift to choosing what I want, to create the reality I want. I see so many people stuck in beliefs that bring them down into a depression that is so hard to come out of, because it is anchored by such strong beliefs that they aren’t even aware of. I don’t believe that children shouldn’t die before their parents. I don’t believe I will be devastated by Jason’s death. If I did believe those things, then my experience would be very different, and not what I really want to create in my life.

In the wake of the tsunami, miracles happen. Long-term depression, anxiety, and stuckness of loved ones have cleared; life is too short to sweat the small stuff. People are inspired to live their lives fully; Jason’s senior year class printed T-shirts with “Follow Your Passion – JF” on the back in memory of Jason’s impact on so many. I am personally seeing limitations I was in denial of, and am seeing a clearer path past them to creating what I want in my life. I am a different person, feeling Jason’s influence in me so solidly. I feel Jason cheering me on, telling me to not to worry and go for it, with a Jason-sound and a Jason-hug to go with the energy!

I’m riding the waves and letting them carry me.
Quoting Jason– “It’s definitely more fun than drowning!”

P.S. I just remembered after writing this that I used to have recurring dreams about watching a tidal wave come at me on the beach, with nowhere to go for safety. I have been so intrigued with the tsunami in Thailand, reading personal accounts of the survivors. Interesting…